Why Is Julianne Hough Fucking Ryan Seacrest?

Sure they call it ‘dating’ but let’s just call it what everyone is thinking, Ryan Seacrest is fucking Julianna Hough. Put down those Bibles you religious zealots, even you can’t deny anymore. There is no God.

Don’t get me wrong, I by no means hate Ryan Seacrest. Okay, I fucking hate that man. But unlike others I refuse to make fun of his short height, mostly because I have no grounds to stand on because I would need about six inches of grounds to stand on to actually be taller than him.

Before we get to talking about Julianne Hough performing falacio on Ryan Seacrest – don’t act like she’s not doing that because the Seacrest gets what the Seacrest wants and trust me he wants lots and lots of oral sex, and who can blame him, he works like 40 jobs, he doesn’t have time for sex, he saves so much time if he can work while getting head – lets first talk about why I hate Mr. Seacrest.

"I'm with douche"?

It all stems from my hatred of American Idol and him getting millions of dollars for doing nothing. And don’t you dare act like he does that job so much better than Brain Dunkleman could have. And don’t get me started on Brian Dunkleman. He got to fuck the pleasantly pleasant in every way Teresa Strasser. How dare him. But I mostly just hate seeing Ryan Seacrest’s face everywhere (then take all those posters down from your wall) it’s cheaper than wall paper. I just don’t think he’s interesting and it sucks that a man as uninteresting as him gets so much money and assumedly so much pussy, pussy like Julianne Hough’s vagina. She’s way out of his league. She should be fucking Johnny Depp, that black guy from Community and that incredibly hot guy from Gossip Girl my friend Trishelle never shuts up about, not Ryan Seacrest. And Seacrest should be fucking every hot waitress in a thirty mile radius that wants to make it big, not one of the hottest 20 year olds to be on TV in the last decade.

So Julianne Hough was on Ellen, you know the daytime talk show with that lovely lesbian who’s dating Lindsay from my favorite show Arrested Development, and Hough opened up – I imagine at this point any guy reading this just felt a little jolt in their penis after I mentioned the word lesbian shortly followed by ‘Hough opened up’ but no, let me finish – about her relationship with Ryan Douche Bag. I really have no reason to be this mean to Seacrest, so I shouldn’t call him Ryan Douche Bag, instead I’ll just call him Douche Bag, that way it will be mysterious and you won’t know who I’m really talking about, even though you already know it’s Ryan Seacrest, and just to be sure I’ll tell you again, Douche Bag equals Ryan Seacrest. I’m sorry if you’re reading this Ryan Seacrest, I don’t really think you’re a douche bag, I’m just selling out and being snarky because I think its funny (insert sad face) but if you aren’t reading this Ryan Seacrest then I really do mean it when I call you a douche bag. I’m kidding. I’m going to stop being so mean to people I really don’t know anything about. I get that it can be funny but that’s really not the person I wan to be. So my apologies to you Mr. Seacrest. That being said I’m not going back and taking out any of the mean things I’ve said previous to this, mostly because other than calling Seacrest a douche bag they’re probably really the way I feel.

Not Julianne Hough

Anyway Hough told Ellen that “Oh my gosh. He’s phenomenal.” I can only assume she’s referring to Ryan Seacrest, but I won’t do that hardcore Woodward and Bernstein type investigating to figure it out. She could actually be talking about Mark Felt, but I guess we’ll never know. She went on to say, “He’s really romantic. He’s not even in town and I got in my car and there are flowers everything.”

Wait, wait, wait, whoa, he’s not in town and he’s giving her flowers? Guys only give flowers for two reasons. One is that they want to get laid. But he’s out of town so that can’t be it. The other reason is that the guy is already getting laid, but not by his girlfriend, so the flowers are apparently a guy’s way of making their self feel less like a douche bag. I’m not saying Seacrest is cheating on her, but if he is I’m just going to go ahead and put it out there that you have a kind place to stay with understanding ears, Julianne.

Oh my God, Christina Aguilera is getting a divorce? Why was I not informed? This is bigger news than the Ryan Seacrest fucking Julianne Hough thing. I need to start preparing my case for Christian Aguilera pinpointing why I’m the perfect man for her, which is going to be very hard because I’m nowhere near the perfect man for her. I’m not sure you guys are aware how much Aguilera turns me on. Luckily I’m confident I won’t like her personality and wouldn’t want to be with her anyway, so having exactly less than zero chance of being with her is no disappointment. But my mother used to love her singing, so even though she was in that very dirty video for the song dirty I still think she would be a girl I could bring home and my mother would be proud, which is actually a huge turn off.

On second thought if I was Julianne Hough I could see myself doing Ryan Seacrest.