There are nude photos of Greg Oden on the internet! If you don’t know who Greg Oden is, he’s a seven foot tall black man who plays professional basketball for the Portland Trail Blazers. He’s seven foot and he’s black, so that equals unimaginably monster penis. I haven’t seen it though. I’m not gay, but as you know I have a weird obsession with penises. I don’t like them or anything, in fact quite the opposite. My obsession comes from the fact that I’m jealous of so many penises. My brain equates large penis with great sex (that only makes you sound gayer) not great sex for me, I mean for the girl having sex with the penis (she’s having sex with the person, the penis is just the tool) she’s essentially fucking the penis. When I do have sex I want it to be great for the girl, especially assuming the first girl I’ll have sex with I’ll love, so I’ll want the sex to be more than perfect for her, which is going to be hard because I don’t have a big penis, that doesn’t mean I have a small penis, but let’s be honest, it probably does mean I have a small penis. Anyway the penis obsession comes from a jealously stand point, not an I-want-that-penis-in-me stand point. But even though I am curious about peoples penis size – because if it’s smaller than mine I can be happy and if it’s larger than mine I can be jealous and somehow I want to be jealous? – I refuse to look at Greg Oden’s naked pictures because he didn’t intend for them to become public. However had he been posing in playgirl magazine I wouldn’t mind sneaking a peak and it would have been convenient since I have a subscription.
I feel really bad for Greg Oden because he was the number one pick in the NBA draft three seasons ago and since then he has had two season ending injuries, including one that kept him out for what would have been his entire rookie season, and so many people have been calling him a flop of a number one pick, and the fact that Kevin Durant (the number two pick) has been playing great has made Oden’s stats look worst than they really are. And now Oden has to deal with these naked pictures coming out on the internet. I just feel so bad for the guy. Although I’m sure if I looked at the pictures I would come to find that he doesn’t have much to feel bad about.
Apparently Oden took these nude photos of himself on his cell phone a year and a half ago and sent them to a girl he thought he could trust, but things didn’t end up working with the girl and now the photos are on the internet, for all to see, all you lucky bastards to see but me because for some strange reason I’d feel bad about it.
When I first heard the news I didn’t think much about it because he’s a young guy and every third guy on myspace has a picture where he’s almost completely naked and if the camera were pointed 15 degrees lower you’d be able to see their junk. I have a sneaking suspicion that if myspace were to allow nude photos half the guys on there, including the chubby fellows, would have nude photos displayed. I don’t know a single guy who hasn’t sent a nude photo of himself to a girl, well except for all my friends I know, but my friends are prudes. Aside from my friends, guy’s are shameless. There’s this girl on my myspace and she posted this link and it led to a picture of a nude guy who apparently wanted to know what she thought of all his splendid glory. I saw that photo because she didn’t say what the link led to, it just said OMG, which never leads to anything good. And also the guy was obviously trying to do that thing where you get your penis a little worked up, get some blood flowing to it, so it’s not completely flaccid but it’s not at full attention either, but he worked it up a little too much so it actually made it look like a small erection, not that I was examining it or anything. I really wasn’t. I only looked at the picture for a quarter of a second but with penises my mind can do the math quick and I knew what he was up to.
I’ve never taken any nude pictures of myself for many reasons. One of which is I live by the supply and demand concept, and no one is demanding a nude picture of me so I’m not going to supply it. Once people start demanding my attitude may change. Also I look bad in all pictures, so I would probably look amazingly terrible in a nude picture. And the biggest reason I haven’t taken any nude pictures is also the smallest reason, that being my penis of course. So no nude pictures of me exist. I don’t have a sex tape either. Of course for that I would have to have sex, and that seems less likely than nude pictures of me ending up on the internet, which means sex tape on the internet is pretty much impossible, which is good?
I may have no nude pictures, but I have done one thing that I suppose is a little weird and I probably shouldn’t mention. I was watching my basketball tapes on the video camera and I had it hooked up to TV – this was probably when I was 17 – so I thought, ‘hmm, I wonder what my penis would look like on TV?’ I’m sure we’ve all been curious. So I turned the camera on my naked penis (as opposed to a clothed penis) they know what I mean, and I looked at my penis on my TV. I didn’t record it. That would have been weird (because what you did wasn’t weird at all) no more weird than anything else I do. It was hard – wait, don’t assume I’m saying my penis was hard (nobody would have assumed that if you just kept writing the sentence instead of adding this part) some people might have – to not masturbate while watching myself on screen masturbating. But I pretty much do it every night anyway except with a mirror instead (for God’s sake that’s a joke people).