A Tale of Two Spiders (except not really at all)

            In the bathroom after my shower this morning I saw an ugly spider high up on the wall. It was one of those yellow ones, that’s about as best as I can describe it. Maybe those yellow ones are better looking spiders in the spider community, honestly I’m not quite sure what makes one spider attractive to another spider, but nonetheless out of all the yellow spiders I’ve seen I wouldn’t classify this yellow spider as one of the more attractive yellow spiders, not that in the moment I’ve ever classified any yellow spiders as an attractive spider yellow or not, but in retrospect some yellow spiders were obviously more attractive than other yellow spiders and now that I think about it the bigger ones were generally more attractive which is weird, not because I think size shouldn’t matter, at least I hope it doesn’t in human species, but because I find spiders disgusting so why can I so easily remember some spiders more attractive than others?

            I killed that spider. I’m not proud of myself (even though I should be because I didn’t flea screaming like a madman) because I don’t like killing even the smallest of creatures (the smallest being ants) but I also don’t like looking at spiders, and because of that I give myself permission to kill them instead of trying to guide them outdoors.

            Upon killing the spider I stated, “Quentin 1, Spiders 0.” It wasn’t exactly the best eulogy, but I wasn’t exactly prepared, so it’s the best I could do off the top of my head. Moments later I walk into my room and do this and that and then see a big spider on my floor. I’m about to continue doing this and that when it hits me, “Oh my god there’s a huge fucking spider on my floor.” Well played, Spiders.

            It really took me off guard because it was just standing there (it’s weird to say a spider is just standing there but that’s what it’s doing right, just standing? I mean it has eight legs so some could argue it’s especially standing, four times standing as much as humans stand). Easily this spider makes its way into the top five biggest spiders I’ve seen in my room. I’m not sure if it places on the podium, there’s a clear number one and after that it gets kind of murky, but this one has a good shot at being in the top three.

            It was sad how little of a fight it put up. It was sadder how long it took me to figure out how to kill it. It was sort of up against a corner, so I couldn’t quite put my shoe on and have a good stomping angle. There was too much risk of missing and sending it scurrying off (or in) to who knows where never to be heard from again until its baby hatch within my brain. I definitely wasn’t going to squish it with my hand, because, well, just ew forever (I’m a 26 year old man). I decided to grab a wet towel from the bathroom and throw it at the spider and then stomp on it like there was a spider underneath the towel. Wait, that’s exactly what was under the towel…or so I hoped.

            It all worked out for the best…I found out two hours later when I finally worked up the courage to remove the towel to retrieve the body (which required me putting on gloves and calling my two cats into the room for extra protection). I carefully lifted the corpse with a fly swatter and bestowed upon it the greatest burial an insect (spiders aren’t insects?) can ask for. I flushed it down the toilet. And that’s the story of how I stopped the Government from shutting down.


About Danniel

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3 Responses to A Tale of Two Spiders (except not really at all)

  1. Kristi says:

    Bahahahaha! Love it! Would it have been a banana spider, by any chance? They are all over the place here in florida. I don’t have a fear of spiders, per se, but this particular breed’s size is sort of intimidating…..because it borderline classifies as an animal, right? I mean, I just don’t want to hear anything pop when I kill it. That’s my cut-off. If I can hear a pop, it needs to be shot, rather than smooshed. My grandma had one of these yellow badboys in her window when I was younger. We all freaked out, but she knocked it out of the window with her bare hand, walked over and stomped it out with her stocking feet, then threw it in the trash can like a BOSS. slfdhvdv;ueqfv;u.

    • Danniel says:

      It sounds like these banana spiders you speak of are probably bigger than what I’m talking about by a decent margin. Sure I could easily find out by Googling banana spiders, but I’d prefer not to have that image in my head, plus these fellas definitely squish and don’t pop (at least the ones I’ve encountered so far). The story of your grandma has inspired me to be more of a man. No, I still won’t be killing any spiders without the proper protection (from a creature the size of my small toe), but maybe I’ll learn something about cars. That’s manly, right?

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