So this is this (not wise to use ‘this’ twice in the first four words) thing I’m going to try out doing where every night (or probably just tonight and never again) I’m going to write down the things I want to do tomorrow and comment on whether or not I did them the next day. This is not a place where I will comment on how cute I find Rachel McAdams. I repeat, there will be no complimenting of Rachel McAdams magnificent adorableness here.

Daily Goals for 1/16/14

1) Wake up at 10 AM – This will be hard because it’s about 3 in the morning now and my eyelids struggle to fight off gravity with anything less than ten hours of sleep. But I’m hopeful because tomorrow is podcast day and I have some things I’d like to do in the morning before I head over to Christopher’s house, like,

2) Exercise – I have pretty low visual self esteem (you see things poorly?) no, well only when those things are me, but I mean the visual aesthetic of me is not so appealing, so I’d like to improve that by working out more regularly and possibly acquiring these things I’ve heard foretold in legends as muscles and body tone. Unfortunately if I wake up late tomorrow I’ll have to forgo an early workout to make sure I,

3) Pick and study a good topic for The Sarcast – The Sarcast is the aforementioned podcast I do with Christopher where we each pick a topic every week and discuss them, and most week’s my topic is lackluster because I wait until the last minute to choose it (often times I have a topic, study it, then decide it’s not a good one and pick a new topic just before it’s too late). I owe it to the fan(s) of the podcast to be better with my topic selection and presentation, so that’s somewhat of a big goal of mine this year.

4) Write, God damn it, write – I have a lot of things I want to write, but I can never muster up the energy to actually write them, partially because I’m drained after constantly reminding myself that I’m a horrible writer, but mostly because I really am just a horrible writer (part of writing is just writing, whether good or bad words must be written, so by that logic I’ve been a terrible writer recently). I need to just sit down and start writing. I do miss writing. I don’t have a girlfriend so it gave my fingers something to do. And speaking of my fingers,

5) Don’t masturbate multiple times – This shouldn’t be too hard to do as long as I don’t accidentally happen upon any pictures of Rachel McAdams and her spectacular…no, I said this wasn’t the place for that. Moving on. Some days I masturbate too much. Other days I don’t masturbate at all (by ‘other days’ you mean ‘leap days’, right?). Okay, so it’s rare that I don’t masturbate at all, but I’m not addicted, which I realize is something an addict would say, and I realize that because I’ve looked up “most commonly said things by addicts” so I could avoid saying them (yet you still said it), I know, odd, but I once spent a total of eight or nine days up in Seattle visiting a friend and then my Aunt and I didn’t masturbate once that entire time, or even felt like I needed or wanted to, and I don’t think an addict could do that, plus my Aunt is super hot…I’m kidding. No offense in case she’s reading this, although I’ve kind of painted myself in a corner where now either way she’ll feel uncomfortable. So this is a good place to end.

Sweet dreams…I mean for me, because I’m going to sleep (kind of pathetic for a person to wish their self sweet dreams) you the reader can have sweet dreams as well, in fact I hope you do.

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A Tale of Two Spiders (except not really at all)

            In the bathroom after my shower this morning I saw an ugly spider high up on the wall. It was one of those yellow ones, that’s about as best as I can describe it. Maybe those yellow ones are better looking spiders in the spider community, honestly I’m not quite sure what makes one spider attractive to another spider, but nonetheless out of all the yellow spiders I’ve seen I wouldn’t classify this yellow spider as one of the more attractive yellow spiders, not that in the moment I’ve ever classified any yellow spiders as an attractive spider yellow or not, but in retrospect some yellow spiders were obviously more attractive than other yellow spiders and now that I think about it the bigger ones were generally more attractive which is weird, not because I think size shouldn’t matter, at least I hope it doesn’t in human species, but because I find spiders disgusting so why can I so easily remember some spiders more attractive than others?

            I killed that spider. I’m not proud of myself (even though I should be because I didn’t flea screaming like a madman) because I don’t like killing even the smallest of creatures (the smallest being ants) but I also don’t like looking at spiders, and because of that I give myself permission to kill them instead of trying to guide them outdoors.

            Upon killing the spider I stated, “Quentin 1, Spiders 0.” It wasn’t exactly the best eulogy, but I wasn’t exactly prepared, so it’s the best I could do off the top of my head. Moments later I walk into my room and do this and that and then see a big spider on my floor. I’m about to continue doing this and that when it hits me, “Oh my god there’s a huge fucking spider on my floor.” Well played, Spiders.

            It really took me off guard because it was just standing there (it’s weird to say a spider is just standing there but that’s what it’s doing right, just standing? I mean it has eight legs so some could argue it’s especially standing, four times standing as much as humans stand). Easily this spider makes its way into the top five biggest spiders I’ve seen in my room. I’m not sure if it places on the podium, there’s a clear number one and after that it gets kind of murky, but this one has a good shot at being in the top three.

            It was sad how little of a fight it put up. It was sadder how long it took me to figure out how to kill it. It was sort of up against a corner, so I couldn’t quite put my shoe on and have a good stomping angle. There was too much risk of missing and sending it scurrying off (or in) to who knows where never to be heard from again until its baby hatch within my brain. I definitely wasn’t going to squish it with my hand, because, well, just ew forever (I’m a 26 year old man). I decided to grab a wet towel from the bathroom and throw it at the spider and then stomp on it like there was a spider underneath the towel. Wait, that’s exactly what was under the towel…or so I hoped.

            It all worked out for the best…I found out two hours later when I finally worked up the courage to remove the towel to retrieve the body (which required me putting on gloves and calling my two cats into the room for extra protection). I carefully lifted the corpse with a fly swatter and bestowed upon it the greatest burial an insect (spiders aren’t insects?) can ask for. I flushed it down the toilet. And that’s the story of how I stopped the Government from shutting down.

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Thoughts on Game of Thrones – The Rains of Castamere

So the big episode has finally happened – seems odd to say when there have already been some big episodes thus far in the 3 seasons. It was the scene that show creators David Benioff and D.B Weiss said inspired them to adapt George R.R. Martin’s fantasy epic into a TV show. I can’t blame them, most book readers say it was the most impactful chapter in any of the five books thus far. Robb was never a perspective character, and I didn’t particularly like Cat very much, but after I read the chapter I had to put down the book for a while to ponder, “What the fuck just happened?”

            The obvious impact this has is that the North is ostensibly no longer a threat to the Lannisters. But for me the biggest thing was that the Stark kids no longer have any parents. Since near the beginning, mostly because of Bran, I’ve been longing for the moment of the Stark kids – Bran, Arya, Sansa and what the hell let’s throw in Rickon – getting reconnected with their mother, but now that seems very unlikely – I say mostly because of Bran because when he woke up from his coma his father was in King’s Landing soon to be beheaded and his mother was off trying to find Bran’s almost killer, so after his trauma he woke up with the two most comforting people in his life away from him. I still look forward to all the Stark kids at least getting their reunion, assuming Martin doesn’t feel the need to kill off any more, but I feel it won’t be as impactful as a child’s reunion with their mother.

            On the violence of The Red Wedding: I didn’t think they went too far. Some people saying the stabbing of Talisa was overboard, but I personally think the stabbings in the stomach was just to remind any dense watchers that there were four important people dying (Ned Jr. who would have been Robb’s heir to Winterfell), and also the killing of the unborn baby makes us, or at least me, hate the Lannisters more (Tyrion aside, and although I know everybody now loves Jamie, admittedly his pairing with Brienne is nothing short of charming, and he had nothing to do with the Red Wedding, I still want Jaime to pay more for what he did to Bran, and I hope that payment comes in the form of Bran wargging into Hodor and beating the shit out of Jamie just short of the point of death, perhaps he loses the use of his legs, or maybe just one since he’s lost a hand already, and then Brienne carries him on her back off to Tarth where they live happily ever after, should such a thing exist in Westeros).

            Obviously the lesser part of the episode was the stuff with Jon, Ygritte and Bran, but I really loved this part in the book, and I prefer the way it went down with Jon and Ygritte in the show, even though it makes Jon look like a total asshole for leaving Ygritte behind, especially because the wildlings kill whoever they want and Ygritte made it pretty clear she was siding with Jon so I really don’t see why they wouldn’t decide to kill her too, even though I know they won’t in the show. I want to know how people feel about Jon and Ygritte’s romance. I love it in the show and I loved it in the book – I nearly cried from joy, and sadness from not experiencing moments similar to that of which I’m about to mention in my real life, at the Jon and Ygritte cave scene, and not because oath swearing Jon was getting some good luck kissed by fire sex, but because I felt Ygritte did really want to run off with him. But maybe it’s just because I watched the first two seasons before I read the books and I am absolutely super attracted to Rose Leslie? Who knows?

            I hope it doesn’t get lost on people that Bran just saved Jon’s life through Summer (Bran’s Direwolf). It’s hard for the show to get Bran’s story across, and this was a big moment they had to take advantage of if they were going to save Bran from completely being written off by the fans of the show. I think for the most part they got it right. He wargged into Summer and killed some Wildings, he accidentally wargged into Hodor and Jojen informed everyone that no one else can do that meaning Bran is extra special, and Bran even made the smart choice, almost as if he knew the Red Wedding was coming (Oh my God, Bran’s working for the Lannisters!!!), and decided to separate himself from Rickon, since were Robb to die (Oh my God he did die!!!) Bran and Rickon would be the last Stark men of Winterfell. It sucks that Bran’s biggest episode thus far, or at least the episode he’s seemed most competent in, was the same episode we had a game (of thrones…hehehe, I’m lame) changing massacre, but hopefully at least a few people took notice of Bran and will be more interested in his storyline, especially since now that Jon is back on the south side of the wall, and Sam and Gilly (who get few moments but I find them charming) are nearing the wall ostensibly taking the secret path Sam knows about to get back on the safer side of the wall, so if Bran, Jojen and Meera do get over the wall they’ll be our only eyes to seeing what’s going on in the land of the White Walkers.

            The Dany stuff was nice. I liked getting to see Jorah, Grey Worm and Daario fight. And we got to see Jorah realize that Dany has taken some kind of liking to Daario, whether it’s emotionally based or she just wants a nice piece of that Second Sons booty we’re yet to know, so we’ve got a nice little cast of characters over there with Dany, Jorah, Daario, Grey Worm and Barristan Selmy and I’m interested to see the take the show does with the characters relationships.

            Just to end things, big props to The Hound and his love of Pigs feet, ‘cause had he not made that stop to dine on some swine (a bit trite?) he and Ayra might have arrived to The Twins early and Ayra might have been in that room for the massacre, and if the fans got this upset over Robb, Cat and Talisa, imagine the reaction if we lost the beloved Ayra Stark. Twitter would have no choice but to implode into itself, while David Benioff, D.B. Weiss and George R.R. Martin would immediately have to enroll in the Witness Protection Program.

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Thoughts On a Brutal Survivor Episode

I’m a few hours removed but I still find tonight’s (or last night’s) episode of Survivor the most heart wrenching episode of Survivor I’ve ever seen, and this is coming from someone who wasn’t even a fan of Brenda – I think I never liked her because in Nicaragua I oddly took a liking to Chase and she was playing him. Even before she was voted out I had a hard time watching the episode. I don’t mind when one player is put in a position to give up something good so everyone else gains, but the way they went about doing it tonight was extra brutal. Brenda had to (and ostensibly HAD TO) give up not only time with her dad but also getting to spend time with her sister and for her biggest ally, Dawn, to not get to spend time with her husband and best friend. Plus the food. The family was emphasized, but the game is both physical and mental, and without food to fuel the physical side it can and will affect the mental side, as we saw with Erik at the beginning of the episode.

            I know it’s just a game and the Survivor producers want to keep things interesting, but this went too far, and not just because it put whoever won the challenge and earned the reward in a tough position where whatever choice they make would be more negative than positive, but also it put too much strategic emphasis on just one player in the game.

            What I mean by that is that whoever wins the challenge, in this case Brenda, now has everyone thinking about her and her position in the game, and by no fault of her own. All she did was win a challenge so she could spend time with her father. This wasn’t like Malcolm becoming a target because he tried to start a Bro-Alliance, or Reynold because he’s good at challenges. This was unfair pressure and focus that Survivor put on Brenda – which they have every right to do, they’re trying to make an entertaining show, not a completely fair game, and as much as we’d like to believe it a fair game does not always make an entertaining show.

            The winner is in a lose-lose spot because if Brenda had chosen to take the reward for herself and Dawn the other four Survivors would have took a Utilitarian stance and recognized that she didn’t choose the greatest good for the greatest amount of people, but instead took the selfish route, and now Cochran’s goal of voting her out becomes much easier. If she gives up the reward to the other four members now she seems to be a saint, but to smart players, like Cochran, she becomes very likable in the game, and at this point likability is a dangerous quality to have, and we saw how that worked out for her.

            I don’t blame Cochran for voting her out. I think he made the right choice. She was gunning for him next week – which was her big mistake, she should have tried to get him out this week, all she needed was Dawn and Erik to blindside him assuming Cochran and Sherri attempt to blindside Brenda this week and Eddie’s vote is a throwaway to Erik, so 2 votes Brenda, 3 votes Cochran and we have a much different game – so you can’t say Cochran would have been smart to wait an extra week to try and get her out, even if it would have been the nice thing to do. Plus, as far as we know Cochran and Brenda were never that close. It’s Dawn who’s taking the brunt of the blame. Not only were they much closer, but during the immunity challenge Dawn made it as clear as she could, without actually making a deal, that she had no intentions of voting out Brenda, which clearly comforted Brenda enough to eventually throw the challenge – and yes, this was absolutely a thrown challenge, unlike Phillip’s weeks back.

            I completely stole this thought from Stephen Fishbach while listening to the Robb Has a Podcast Survivor Know-It-Alls, but I agree with him that Brenda should have bowed out of the challenge as soon as Dawn made it clear she wanted to win, or at least Brenda should have made it clear that she was letting Dawn win – although I’m actually leaning towards Brenda just trying to outright win it, since at this point I’d put immunity at a higher priority than good graces, and if you disagree refer back to the hugs Brenda was getting from the Survivors after she gave them the Family Reward and then check what happened at the end of the episode to her again. The reasoning behind Brenda needing to make it clear that she’s letting Dawn win is because it’s one more bond between Brenda and Dawn. Brenda was the one (not really by the fault of her own) who took Dawn’s time away from her husband, so if Brenda let’s Dawn win immunity now when Cochran approaches Dawn about blindsiding Brenda it becomes a more difficult decision. Also, a thing I don’t think most people are thinking about, Dawn was the only other survivor other than Brenda who got screwed after the reward challenge, but unlike Brenda, she didn’t get any credit for it, she even mentions it in the episode. Perhaps that’s still in Dawn’s mind when she’s thinking about whether to blindside Brenda or not. Even though she’s the closest person to Brenda on the island, Dawn is the one person who actually doesn’t owe Brenda any good will after the reward challenge. Maybe, just maybe, if she knew Brenda let her win the immunity that causes just enough guilt to keep Dawn from flipping for at least one week.

            I personally don’t blame any of the survivors for the choices they made on last night’s episode. It’s a game, and yes I think we forget that for them, for these 39 days, or however long they each last in the game, it’s also their life, they’re spending almost every single moment with these people and it’s nearly impossible for any non robot not to form bonds with each other, so the love they have towards each other, or the hatred they have towards each other, is amplified, because unlike in real life where we hate a coworker or enjoy flirting with Mr. Tightpants at the gym, we go home and don’t have to have sleepless, cold, hungry nights next to that person. It’s impossible for most people to only play Survivor as a game without the emotional element, and in the last few seasons we’ve been seeing that the emotional element might be the biggest element of the game. Russell Hantz played by far the best game in his Samoa season, and played the best game in Hero’s Vs Villains as well, but the Jury decided that didn’t make up for the social element. In South Pacific there have been many accounts, including the winner Sophie’s, that had Brandon Hantz made it to the end he would have won. That’s insane to the mind. In that same season Coach basically Boston Rob’d a group of much smarter people than Rob did Redemption Island style and didn’t get the win because people didn’t like his personality. I love that the game includes a social element, but I don’t like that now the Juries seem to prefer a person who does nothing over someone who backstabbed people. So if Cochran and Dawn make it to the end – and it seems impossible that at least one of them isn’t there – it’s very interesting to see how the Jury responds to the way they’ve been playing the game.

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Thoughts On The Season 2 Finale of Girls

When the season 2 finale of Girls ended I was confused with my emotions. All of the girls (minus Jessa) had ostensibly happy endings. Hannah gets rescued by a shirtless, door breaking-down Adam, Marnie gets to have brown babies and watch Charlie die, and Shoshanna gets to fuck her way through New York City, making Doorman one of the more desirable jobs in town. Based on the season 1 finale of Girls (and basically every other episode of the show) a happy ending should not have been expected.

At this point last year we were watching Charlie play it off as a joke when he wanted to go fuck Marnie in the bathroom at the wedding – leading her to later make out with Bobby Moynihan’s character, who I was disappointed to not have him be her failed ‘relationship’ this year instead of Booth Jonathan – Shoshanna was losing her virginity to a 33 (or possibly 32 at the time) year old guy who was a manager at Café Grumpy – not necessarily an ideal way for someone, especially someone obsessed with the show Sex and the City, to lose their virginity – and Hannah was sitting on the beach eating a piece of cake after her boyfriend was hit by a car who rightfully was mad at her after he changed his closed off ways in order to be more available to her in the relationship, only to have her distance herself by finding someone to live with her instead of him. The only Girl who had a happy ending was the newly married Jessa, but we saw how that ended up this season, which is further evidence for proof of the subsequent statement. Season 2 of Girls did not have any happy endings…except for Shoshanna’s.

The Jessa having a happy ending only to find out next season the marriage is crap argument isn’t a great one to prove these endings weren’t really happy. The better argument is that these endings were simple, for the most part, and at most times Girls has not been a simple show.

While listening to the Firewall and Iceberg podcast, Dan Fienberg made the argument that Lena Dunham purposely gave the characters pseudo happy endings, and that no one involved with the show thinks these are actually happy endings and their intentions aren’t for people to think they were actually happy endings. He argued that they were things we wanted to see (Adam coming to Hannah’s rescue, Marnie professing her love for a guy who for years gave her leaps and bounds more love than she gave him) but upon further inspection we’re to think, “Wait, is this really what’s best for the characters?”

For Hannah no.

Hannah and Adam

Adam coming to her rescue is not what’s best for her. And it’s not because Adam is bad for her. It’s because she’s just going to use him until she feels better, so she doesn’t have to solve her problems by herself. I was so happy when her dad refused to help her, and then when Laird basically said she was a horrible person and she uses people. I thought it was interesting that Hannah called her dad for help, went to Laird to cut her hair, called Jessa for help, and eventually called Adam, but the only person who went to help her of their own accord was Marnie – although certainly most of it had to do with Marnie wanting to flaunt her relationship with newly successful Charlie in Hannah’s face, but the mom that Marnie is would have seen Hannah in her situation and tried to help, or at least forced her to take her pills – but Hannah hid from her, because Marnie was looking to help her, she’s always (or most of the time) wanted to help Hannah, but Hannah can’t allow that because then she wouldn’t be using Marnie.

Adam’s not going to be able to help Hannah finish her book, or prevent being sued, or possibly even make her take her pills. Adam might even make her OCD subside to the point where she doesn’t think she needs to take her pills, but once he’s gone and she alienates everyone else out of her life again it’s just going to reappear.

As for Adam, he’s not happy with Natalie, and I don’t know if he ever will be, and it’s not just because they’re not compatible sexually. And as for the possible raping situation, everyone is coming at Adam for being this horrible guy, and whether you believe it really was rape or not, I haven’t heard anyone talk about Natalie’s role in it. I know why her character responded to it the way she did, because it’s better for the show that way, and I think it’s also realistic. But if we’re going to take Adam’s character’s actions and talk about it as a real life situation let’s talk about Natalie’s character’s actions too. I don’t think what Adam did was rape, but I don’t think what he did was okay for him to do either. I think how Natalie went along with it was normal, but she should have spoken up louder that she didn’t like it. If she would have yelled at him and physically pushed him off that would have been okay too. I’m not coming at this from a point of she didn’t do enough to stop Adam from doing what he did, but rather I’m coming at this from the admittedly uncomfortable standpoint of people in that situation should do more to be forceful in stopping what ended up happening. I understand why her character allowed it, and why a girl in her place in real life would allow it, and allowing it doesn’t make what Adam did less worse or more worse, I’m just saying that we should make it aware that if someone is in that situation it’s okay for them to be more adamant about not wanting to have sex.

And why is Natalie still with Adam? Like every other character in this Girls world Natalie has made a bad decision. Adam wanted out. I’m of the belief that he consciously wanted to show Natalie the real him when he made her get on all fours. Whether it was because he saw Hannah and the love he has for her came sweeping back up, or it was just self esteem issues and he didn’t think he could be himself around Natalie, he wanted to get out of that relationship because he was uncomfortable, but instead of just saying his feelings he acted out on them, and for whatever reason, possibly low self esteem issues her self, Natalie couldn’t hear him and we find them having mismatched sex once again.

I believe Adam loves Hannah because he was able to be his self around her and she still wanted to be with him. I think Hannah just wants to use Adam. If she doesn’t run into him on the way home from the doctor and find out he’s dating someone else she doesn’t call him that night and thousands of girls don’t get the “happy ending” they cried over for season two.

Marnie and Charlie

Charlie and Marnie’s relationship in the first four episodes of Season 1 was the emotional connection I needed that allowed me to eventually fall in love with the show as a whole, so I couldn’t help but feel happy seeing them together, all the while wondering if Marnie really did appreciate Charlie for Charlie, or appreciated Charlie for wealthy surrounded by hot assistants Charlie?

I wonder if this really could be a happy ending though? Marnie definitely doesn’t deserve Charlie, and there’s good reason to believe she only wants him because other girls want him and guys don’t seem to want her, but when they broke up she wanted him to be different, and now he is different. The only question is, is he really different, or is it just his wallet and sex appeal that are different?

Maybe he is really different? Maybe the money and the attention the money and shirts with rips in the collar are giving him really have upped his confidence and given him a more dominant personality? Somehow I don’t think so. Maybe sexually – I wish during that seen where he was eating out Marnie and he wouldn’t tell her how many girls he’s been with in big bold letters the number 47 popped up on the screen and then Charlie winked at the camera.

Also Charlie came to all this success in spite of Marnie. Whether it was done to win her back or just to prove her wrong and make something of himself now that he has her how will that affect his drive? Will he go back to smothering her with love? I think she’ll be okay with that…as long as his pockets stay deep and she thinks she has what other girls want. If he goes back to coffee table art and songs about shoes with bongo playing Ray I could see her going out in search of the city’s next Booth Jonathan.

I’m really interested in seeing what happens with this relationship. Because it’s most likely Marnie will ruin things, but it’s possible Charlie could keep going on a successful course and maybe he’ll grow out of her smothering love in an odd twist of roles in their relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised if the show did this.

Ray and Shoshanna

Of all the Girls Shoshanna has the most realistically happy ending. The only problem is this season Ray has been more of a prominent character in the show than Shoshanna, so it’s his story we should be paying more attention to, and his definitely wasn’t happy. I know the show is called Girls, so ostensibly it’s about Hannah, Marnie, Jessa and Shoshanna, but really – and you can’t argue this with me, it’s fact – this season the show has really been about Hannah, Marnie, Hannah again, Ray and Frank.

I can’t blame Shoshanna for breaking up with Ray. I know we all loved Ray and Shoshanna as a quirky couple, and I’m still going to go ahead with my kickstarter to fund a sitcom of Ray, Shoshanna and Marnie living together, with Shoshanna trying to hide her lovers from Ray in a Three’s Company-esque manner, while Marnie works on her Rap covers song career.

The relationship was doomed from the start. Shoshanna grew up on Sex and the City, so there was no way she was going to just fall in love and be with one guy her whole life, let alone a guy like Ray. She never wanted that anyway. In season one she was willing to lose her virginity to that guy she went to camp with or whatever. It was him who didn’t want to go through with it. Hell, we should have known that Shoshanna wasn’t going to settle with Ray when she allowed herself to sleep with Ray. She didn’t fall for him. They had one cute night when she was tripping balls, which led her to kick him in the balls – that’s why I get pay the big bucks to write this…wait, no I don’t – but ultimately she just wanted to get rid of her virginity. But as tends to happen her and Ray ended up falling for each other. I think Ray was genuinely fascinated with her – also she’s super attractive and he knows he can’t do better than that – but Shoshanna just had a connection to him because he was the guy she lost her virginity to, and he cared about her. But he was never the kind of guy she wanted to be with. The kind of guy she wants to be with is an attractive doorman. But just for a night. Then Charlie the next night. Then a tall blond guy in a bar the next night, and so on and so forth, which I don’t think is bad for her considering her age and that she has not so much life experience. Which is why her ending was the happiest of all. Hopefully her exploring her sexually will help her learn things about herself.

The one thing I was pissed about was her not telling Ray the truth and that she did more than hold hands with the doorman – if my girlfriend told me she held hands with a doorman I would do more than laugh at her adorableness, in fact I’d probably be more confused and curious than if she said she slept with the doorman. I understand a defense of her not telling him the truth. What good does it do him? He’s happier not knowing. It’s just going to make him feel bad. That could make him pull a Charlie, the equivalent of which I assume is Ray becoming the CEO of Café Grumpy which takes over Starbuck’s place as the biggest coffee chain in the nation. Also, as we know the world of Girls is very small. There is not a single way that Ray doesn’t find out that Shoshanna is having a very fun time with very many very attractive men. This is a world where Hannah barely leaves her apartment but happens to run into Adam while he’s on a date, and Ray gets invited to Jessa’s wedding because…he met her that one time when Hannah drank the opium tea?

I hope Lena Dunham doesn’t pull an Adam season 2 with Ray in season 3, meaning Adam wasn’t in this season very much because him and Hannah weren’t seeing each other for much of the season, and now that Ray and Shoshanna aren’t dating it will be hard for the writers to fit Ray (my favorite character) into many scenes until they want to build on Shoshanna’s story, which isn’t a priority. It could become a priority. I love and hate this show because there really is no character hierarchy. The order of important screen time in season one was Hannah, Marnie, Adam, Jessa, Charlie, Shoshanna then Ray and in season two it was Hannah, Marnie, Hannah Again (I wasn’t joking about that earlier), Ray, Charlie, Adam, Jessa then Shoshanna (I’d be very interested in knowing what other people think the order is). The only thing we know is Hannah is the center of the show. We can assume that of the secondary characters Marnie will probably have the most to do over the season. But other than that we don’t know how many episodes each character besides Hannah will even be in. I would love if next season we have an episode without Hannah. Not because I hate Hannah – well I do hate Hannah but I think she’s a great character – but so Lena Dunham can say, “Oh, you think I’m always making the character based on me the center of everything, well I’m the fucking boss and I can do whatever I want, so here’s a Marnie, Charlie and Shoshanna go to Amsterdam episode that only focuses on that trip, so suck on that cunts.”

Thus concludes this post.

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It’s All A Lie Except For Those God Damn Truths

The boy is exhausted.

He forces the last few inches of water in his bottle down his throat. His body wants him to slow down, but he wants to be hydrated. He likes being hydrated. He hates peeing 15 times a day. Is it all the water, or a small bladder? The boy suspects the latter. He thinks it would make more sense with the rest of his life.

The quantity of water flowing down his throat, one large gulp after the other, mixed with the heaving breathing makes the boy want to puke, but he doesn’t. Instead he reaches down to the floor and picks up a can of tuna. It’s been there for a while, next to cans of Ravioli and Chili and scrap pieces of paper with words written on them that the boy once thought he could turn into something brilliant, but instead provide hiding places for spiders, at least the boy fears, until the boy finally has enough of his filth and throws all the paper away, never minding any meaning the words upon them once had to him.

26 grams of protein. That’s what’s inside the can of tuna. There’s also tuna, but that’s not as important to the boy. He wonders what the 26 grams of protein will do for him. Is 26 grams enough to get a girlfriend? Probably not. The boy doesn’t want a girlfriend. The boy wants a specific girlfriend. He knows he can’t have her. He doesn’t know why, but somehow not knowing why doesn’t stop him from knowing it’s because he’s not good enough for her. He’s never been good enough for any of the Hers. The Hers of the past don’t matter. This Her matters. Maybe some time in the future, hell maybe sometime in the near future, this Her won’t matter. But right now this Her matters a lot to the boy.

The boy isn’t attractive. He isn’t as bad looking as he thinks he is, but regardless the truth is the boy doesn’t look good. He’s short. Not very short, but short enough to be considered short, and enough that most guys are taller than him and most girls want to be with guys taller than him. Being taller would make him more attractive, but still not attractive enough. The girl, the one that matters right now who he met over the internet, once asked him if he was tall, she said it didn’t matter that he wasn’t, but the boy has never stopped thinking that she probably hoped he was. He wonders if she’s with someone tall right now. If she’s with anyone at all he hopes she’s with someone tall and good looking because if she can’t be with him she should be with someone much better looking than him. Even if she could be with him the boy knows that she should still be with someone much better looking than him.

The muscles, the muscles that aren’t on the boy yet and probably never will be, are compensation. It’s like the stereotype of guys with small penises buying manly cars. The boy thinks he should buy a manly car. But he doesn’t want a manly car, not that he has a license, or knows how to drive. He wants to learn. He wants to learn for the girl that matters. He wants to see her. Maybe he can drive up in a mini-van or a Prius and girls will still think he has a small penis. There is nothing a guy can do to make people think he has a big penis. If a guy is too manly he’s overcompensating. If a guy goes the opposite way he’s a pussy and therefore undesirable. If he stays right in the middle no one thinks about him or his penis. There is one way. Be attractive. Being attractive covers up all flaws, and more than that it accentuates every other quality a person has even an ounce of. Only for a time. Looks change. Unfortunately personalities don’t very often. Even knowing this the boy is still way too obsessed with appearance. He wishes he could be as beautiful to girls as certain girls have been to him in the past. He wishes he could make a girl, this girl that matters, feel the wonderful feelings she once gave him. Unfortunately his lack of looks were bundled with a lack of personality. The boy’s personality isn’t horrible, but it doesn’t shine. He hates that he has no good qualities.

The boy knows a lack of confidence only makes it worst. Girls, you can stop telling the boy this. In every situation it has only made the boy feel worse for not being able to give himself confidence.

The tuna is salt and peppery by design of the boy. It liven ups the flavor.

He sits eating it at the same place it started.

It – he was watching a show that is very much of the time. It’s about girls. It also has boys and on some occasions it can be said that it’s also about those boys. On this episode one girl cheated on one boy with another boy who had not been seen on the show before. The boy liked the relationship of this boy and this girl on the show. The girl was quite possibly his favorite girl. The boy was quite possibly his favorite boy. It wasn’t until this episode that he might have figured out why he liked this couple so much. The girl is very attractive, the boy not so much, yet they are together somehow. The boy, the boy not in the show, the past few years has had very beautiful girls like him, or very beautiful girls at least tell him that they like him. He doesn’t know why they said they liked him. He hopes to God they meant it, knowing that evidence suggests at least some of them, perhaps all of them, didn’t mean it. The boy was not enough for the beautiful girls. For whatever reason. The boy says, “Seriously, just say whatever reason first comes to your head and it was probably among the many that made those beautiful girls stop liking me,” the boy says, “if in fact they ever really did like me,” says the boy. On the episode when the beautiful girl cheated on the not attractive guy with some new guy who was attractive it almost made the boy cry. Not the boy in the show, he doesn’t know yet. The boy, this boy in reality, worries so much about some future girlfriend of his doing what the girl did in the show. The boy in the show wasn’t a perfect boyfriend. Far from it some would suggest. But he wasn’t bad to his girlfriend. In the episode he didn’t want to go to a college party with her (she’s in college and he’s 33) so she goes alone and meets this hot guy. And let it be said that the show is claiming him as hot. They didn’t meet and talk and get drunk and then start making out after finding out they both had ever so much in common. They were both Sober (all we saw in the show is the girl take a couple sips from her drink) and had said about 30 total words to each before the girl said, “You’re really hot for a doorman,” to the hot actor playing the doorman, and then they started making out. This wasn’t some guy sweeping her off her feet, being there in a time of need. She made out with this guy because he’s hot. Because he’s fucking hot and her boyfriend isn’t! And the god damn boy almost cries at this. At a TV show he’s watching at 3 in the morning when he should be asleep. And the tears start to come, but don’t, because he can’t get out of his fucking head about not being good enough even though it’s his own fucking fault for not being good enough.

And he knows that.

So the boy ends up listening to music, and he finds some good singers on youtube and he listens to some of their cover songs, and he finds a girl who he really likes and he likes her original stuff better than her covers and he’s impressed by that and he could feign a crush on her if it wasn’t for this girl that matters so much to him right now, so much that he starts doing pushups and then half assed curls with a makeshift weight, and then more pushups and more half assed curls and so on and so forth until he’s breathing heavily and his arms want to fall off and he remembers it doesn’t matter how much he tries to change his looks, he’ll never be attractive and one day he just needs to stop letting it kill him because if he doesn’t it’s going to get in the way of him ever being able to get with any girl that matters. But of course that doesn’t matter anyway. Right now there’s just one girl that matters. And he, the boy, wonders if he matters to her.

And the boy finishes the tuna and starts writing because he’s been up for 24 hours and he needs sleep and to calm down.

And the boy finishes writing and he swears he’s more worked up then when he started.

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Best Animated Short According to Some Guy

This is the only Oscar category this year that I have any right of having an opinion on, and in less time than it’d take to watch just one of the Best Picture nominees you could watch all five of these animated shorts. Depending on the speed of your internet connection it’d take roughly 45 minutes, but thanks to two of the nominees it’d be well worth it.

Fresh Guacamole by PES

Runtime: 1:42

Although enjoyable and quick, it has no story. It’s just a video of someone making guacamole out of non-food items. I imagine it took a lot of editing, so it has that going for it, but I can’t imagine it will win.

The Longest Daycare by David Silverman

Runtime: 5:00

This short had an inside shot at being my favorite considering it revolves around my favorite Simpson’s family member, Maggie. Marge drops Maggie off at the Ayn Rand Daycare Center and Maggie meets a caterpillar who she must protect before it goes through the faster metamorphosis process ever and a butterfly killing psycho toddler smashes it. The story moves along nicely with some laughs along the way and ends satisfyingly, but ultimately the competition this year is too good for it to have a chance.

Adam and Dog by Minkyu Lee

Runtime: 15:00

Speaking of competition, from the predictions I’ve read most people consider this to be one of the two possible winners of this Oscar. Maybe they’re right, but I will be disappointed if this wins. The story is about a Dog who befriends a naked man, but unfortunately for the dog the naked man finds a naked woman – who we can assume is Eve – and the naked man wants the dog to leave him alone so he and the girl can do what naked men and naked women tend to do. The story ends bleak, but also enjoyable. Adam and Dog had my favorite animation of the bunch, but it took too long and did too little for me to care about anything in the story except the dog, who the story is about, but the emotions I assume it meant to convey just didn’t arise in me.

Head Over Heels by Timothy Reckart and Fodhla Cronin O’Rielly

Runtime: 10:25

The story is very interesting. An old man and an oldish woman who have grown apart live in a house together. The interesting part is that one lives on the floor and the other lives on the ceiling. I’m still not certain which one lives where – or how it works, but I’ll ignore the laws of science for now – but the couple manage to make it work. The old man decides to try and rekindle their love by fixing a pair of her old shoes, but she’s persistent to open his gift. The house, which was spiraling through the air, then lands somewhere, with the woman’s part of the house now the floor. She leaves the house to go look around the area and as the old man tries to follow her he discovers that if he leaves the house he’ll float off into the sky. The short is claymation, which isn’t my favorite animation form at all, but the ending is super adorable, which is why I won’t mind if it wins.

Paperman by John Kahrs

Runtime: 6:33

This is my favorite short, and also the frontrunner to win. Like The Longest Daycare, Paperman was seen by a lot of people because it was originally released as a short before the movie Wreck It Ralph – Longest Daycare was played before Ice Age 4 or whatever, I believe. The job I help my mother out with occasionally actually required me to make sure Paperman was playing before Wreck It Ralph at the theaters I was assigned, so I watched Paperman about five times in the theater. Normally I would have just sat through it with earbuds in listening to a podcast or music, but after watching it the first time I enjoyed it so much that I wanted to watch it four more times.

Paperman is about a man holding some papers who sees a woman at a train station. One of the papers is blown out of his hands and hits the woman’s face. The man grabs the piece of paper off her and laughs when he notices her lipstick left her lips impression on the paper. When he looks back to the girl she’s on the train and ostensibly out of his life forever. When he gets to work and is given a large stack of papers from his boss – to do what with I’m not sure – he looks out his window and through an open window in the building across the street sees the same girl. He tries to get her attention but can’t, so instead does what any sane man would do. He starts making paper airplanes out of the stack of papers next to him and tries to fly them over to her. After failing over and over again he’s left with one paper, the one with the girl’s lipstick impression on it. So he reluctantly makes it into a paper airplane and what happens next is magical.

The animation is great, the story is wonderful, the music fits it perfectly, and I believe it should win the Oscar for Best Animated Short.

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