It’s All A Lie Except For Those God Damn Truths

The boy is exhausted.

He forces the last few inches of water in his bottle down his throat. His body wants him to slow down, but he wants to be hydrated. He likes being hydrated. He hates peeing 15 times a day. Is it all the water, or a small bladder? The boy suspects the latter. He thinks it would make more sense with the rest of his life.

The quantity of water flowing down his throat, one large gulp after the other, mixed with the heaving breathing makes the boy want to puke, but he doesn’t. Instead he reaches down to the floor and picks up a can of tuna. It’s been there for a while, next to cans of Ravioli and Chili and scrap pieces of paper with words written on them that the boy once thought he could turn into something brilliant, but instead provide hiding places for spiders, at least the boy fears, until the boy finally has enough of his filth and throws all the paper away, never minding any meaning the words upon them once had to him.

26 grams of protein. That’s what’s inside the can of tuna. There’s also tuna, but that’s not as important to the boy. He wonders what the 26 grams of protein will do for him. Is 26 grams enough to get a girlfriend? Probably not. The boy doesn’t want a girlfriend. The boy wants a specific girlfriend. He knows he can’t have her. He doesn’t know why, but somehow not knowing why doesn’t stop him from knowing it’s because he’s not good enough for her. He’s never been good enough for any of the Hers. The Hers of the past don’t matter. This Her matters. Maybe some time in the future, hell maybe sometime in the near future, this Her won’t matter. But right now this Her matters a lot to the boy.

The boy isn’t attractive. He isn’t as bad looking as he thinks he is, but regardless the truth is the boy doesn’t look good. He’s short. Not very short, but short enough to be considered short, and enough that most guys are taller than him and most girls want to be with guys taller than him. Being taller would make him more attractive, but still not attractive enough. The girl, the one that matters right now who he met over the internet, once asked him if he was tall, she said it didn’t matter that he wasn’t, but the boy has never stopped thinking that she probably hoped he was. He wonders if she’s with someone tall right now. If she’s with anyone at all he hopes she’s with someone tall and good looking because if she can’t be with him she should be with someone much better looking than him. Even if she could be with him the boy knows that she should still be with someone much better looking than him.

The muscles, the muscles that aren’t on the boy yet and probably never will be, are compensation. It’s like the stereotype of guys with small penises buying manly cars. The boy thinks he should buy a manly car. But he doesn’t want a manly car, not that he has a license, or knows how to drive. He wants to learn. He wants to learn for the girl that matters. He wants to see her. Maybe he can drive up in a mini-van or a Prius and girls will still think he has a small penis. There is nothing a guy can do to make people think he has a big penis. If a guy is too manly he’s overcompensating. If a guy goes the opposite way he’s a pussy and therefore undesirable. If he stays right in the middle no one thinks about him or his penis. There is one way. Be attractive. Being attractive covers up all flaws, and more than that it accentuates every other quality a person has even an ounce of. Only for a time. Looks change. Unfortunately personalities don’t very often. Even knowing this the boy is still way too obsessed with appearance. He wishes he could be as beautiful to girls as certain girls have been to him in the past. He wishes he could make a girl, this girl that matters, feel the wonderful feelings she once gave him. Unfortunately his lack of looks were bundled with a lack of personality. The boy’s personality isn’t horrible, but it doesn’t shine. He hates that he has no good qualities.

The boy knows a lack of confidence only makes it worst. Girls, you can stop telling the boy this. In every situation it has only made the boy feel worse for not being able to give himself confidence.

The tuna is salt and peppery by design of the boy. It liven ups the flavor.

He sits eating it at the same place it started.

It – he was watching a show that is very much of the time. It’s about girls. It also has boys and on some occasions it can be said that it’s also about those boys. On this episode one girl cheated on one boy with another boy who had not been seen on the show before. The boy liked the relationship of this boy and this girl on the show. The girl was quite possibly his favorite girl. The boy was quite possibly his favorite boy. It wasn’t until this episode that he might have figured out why he liked this couple so much. The girl is very attractive, the boy not so much, yet they are together somehow. The boy, the boy not in the show, the past few years has had very beautiful girls like him, or very beautiful girls at least tell him that they like him. He doesn’t know why they said they liked him. He hopes to God they meant it, knowing that evidence suggests at least some of them, perhaps all of them, didn’t mean it. The boy was not enough for the beautiful girls. For whatever reason. The boy says, “Seriously, just say whatever reason first comes to your head and it was probably among the many that made those beautiful girls stop liking me,” the boy says, “if in fact they ever really did like me,” says the boy. On the episode when the beautiful girl cheated on the not attractive guy with some new guy who was attractive it almost made the boy cry. Not the boy in the show, he doesn’t know yet. The boy, this boy in reality, worries so much about some future girlfriend of his doing what the girl did in the show. The boy in the show wasn’t a perfect boyfriend. Far from it some would suggest. But he wasn’t bad to his girlfriend. In the episode he didn’t want to go to a college party with her (she’s in college and he’s 33) so she goes alone and meets this hot guy. And let it be said that the show is claiming him as hot. They didn’t meet and talk and get drunk and then start making out after finding out they both had ever so much in common. They were both Sober (all we saw in the show is the girl take a couple sips from her drink) and had said about 30 total words to each before the girl said, “You’re really hot for a doorman,” to the hot actor playing the doorman, and then they started making out. This wasn’t some guy sweeping her off her feet, being there in a time of need. She made out with this guy because he’s hot. Because he’s fucking hot and her boyfriend isn’t! And the god damn boy almost cries at this. At a TV show he’s watching at 3 in the morning when he should be asleep. And the tears start to come, but don’t, because he can’t get out of his fucking head about not being good enough even though it’s his own fucking fault for not being good enough.

And he knows that.

So the boy ends up listening to music, and he finds some good singers on youtube and he listens to some of their cover songs, and he finds a girl who he really likes and he likes her original stuff better than her covers and he’s impressed by that and he could feign a crush on her if it wasn’t for this girl that matters so much to him right now, so much that he starts doing pushups and then half assed curls with a makeshift weight, and then more pushups and more half assed curls and so on and so forth until he’s breathing heavily and his arms want to fall off and he remembers it doesn’t matter how much he tries to change his looks, he’ll never be attractive and one day he just needs to stop letting it kill him because if he doesn’t it’s going to get in the way of him ever being able to get with any girl that matters. But of course that doesn’t matter anyway. Right now there’s just one girl that matters. And he, the boy, wonders if he matters to her.

And the boy finishes the tuna and starts writing because he’s been up for 24 hours and he needs sleep and to calm down.

And the boy finishes writing and he swears he’s more worked up then when he started.

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About Danniel

http://closertoclarity.com/
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