I’ve always been a fan of Michael Showalter…well not always, but millions and millions of years from now there will have only been about 20 years of my life that I wasn’t a Michael Showalter fan, so in the larger scheme of things I’ve basically always been a fan of Michael Showalter. If you don’t know who Michael Showalter is stop reading this. Just stop reading this right now. I’m serious. I’m so freaking serious. I’ve never been more serious in my entire life. Well there was this one time I was more serious. I was at Wendy’s and had ordered their Spicy Chicken McNuggets (not Mc) and the girl handed me six nuggets. I was only supposed to get five nuggets. I said, “What’s the deal? What’s your game, lady? Why did you give me an extra nugget and not charge an extra 19.8 cents which is the average price of a nugget based on your nugget charging system? You must want something from me. Are you black mailing me? After I eat the nugget are you going to confront me and say, ‘Ha, I tricked you into eating an extra nugget for free and now you owe me a favor!’ Are you going to make me go down on you? Because I can’t, I’m taken. Okay, I’m not really taken, that’s just a thing I tell girls to make them like me more. Anyway, what is going on here? I want answers! I’ve never been more serious in my life. Well actually there was this one time…” and then I told her about the time I found a Fruity Pebble in my Cocoa Pebbles and went berserk, but upon reexamination of the Wendy’s situation I decided I was more serious then than I was with the Pebble mishap. But anyway, I’m serious, if you don’t know who Michael Showalter is then avert your eyes from your computer monitor, go to amazon.com, you might fumble around because your eyes are still not looking at the screen, and buy Stella on DVD, you’ll thank me later. Not because you’ll love it, you’ll actually probably not like it because it’s weird, an acquired taste if you will, like my nightly beverage of choice, Capri Sun, but you’ll thank me because you were just going to spend that money on Cocaine anyway. (Stella is a comedy show staring Michael Ian Black, Michael Showalter and David Wain.)
I’m really struggling with how to write this book review – as you could tell – not that it’s really a review, it’s more of me just writing thoughts to preoccupy my time and mind, but what makes it difficult is that Mr. Funny Pants, authored by Michael Showalter, isn’t a book. It’s more like a bunch of pages with words on them binded together. Okay, that might not make sense. So it is technically a book, we can establish that much. You know what, why don’t we just leave it at that.
The book isn’t a story. It’s definitely not a fictional story, although I suppose it’s more fiction than non fiction, but Michael Showalter isn’t telling us about his life, at least in a serious manner. Instead he uses jokes to make me, the reader, laugh. There are some stories. He tells a tragic tale of buying a green futon for him and his girlfriend while in college. What made the story great wasn’t the actual story, but instead how he tells the story. I mean the story alone wasn’t bad, I mean it literally bored me to the point that for excitement I broke a glass coffee table, picked up the sharpest shard and stabbed myself in the eye just like (blanked out name) in this season of (blanked out show title). Oops, sorry for spoiling that show for you. It was (blanked out review) anyway. And while on that subject I might as well admit that (blanked out 3,000 word essay about being molested). Actually, the green futon story alone was good, but the way Showalter told it made it even better.
The book is mostly funny little things though. What do I mean by that you ask? What, you didn’t ask that you say? I’ll answer both of those questions right now. What, the second thing wasn’t even a question you ponder?
What I mean by that I don’t know. Now on to question two. I know you didn’t ask what I mean by that, but I needed a way to segue into what I meant by that as opposed to just naturally saying what I mean by that, or best of all, just not saying that at all in the first place, especially since it turns out I don’t even know what I meant by it.
In one part of the book Showalter puts together a mixtape, featuring such songs as Crash Into Me by The Dave Matthews Band, which he goes on to say about it, “Whenever I hear this song I wanna put on a white baseball cap, turn it backwards, grab a plastic cup, buy a keg, get one of those Lance Armstrong bracelets that say “Meditate,” shave my chest, drench my body in Axe, wear a shark tooth necklace on a leather strap, get a band of thorns tattooed around my upper arm, slap on a cock ring, date-rape my girlfriend, dye the tips of my hair blond, turn my necktie into a belt, vote for Bush, bash fags, and eat Gainers Fuel.”
A couple things about that. Firstly, I couldn’t have picked a worse part of the book to quote that tells you less about who Michael Showalter really is. Secondly, I secretly like that song.
In another part he imagines what an interview with Charlie Rose would be like. If you don’t know who Charlie Rose is, just imagine an unfunny version of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno…haha, lol, I know, unfunny and Jay Leno are redundant – Listen Leno I don’t have a problem with you, that bit on the show where you tell a bad joke then the audience pretends to laugh is hilarious…but seriously, I don’t have a problem with you.
Other parts of the book include him describing a game of scrabble in which he spells the word penissockser, and he talks about cats, and sandwiches, and gives us some book proposals, and I’m listening to Avril Lavigne right now but that has nothing to do with the book, I’m just curious why I’m listening to this song because I haven’t really been a fan of Avril Lavigne in years. What I’m most shocked about is that I once had a huge crush on a girl who is now engaged to the lead singer of Nickelback. I know a lot of people give Nickelback a lot of shit, but I agree with those people.
I just looked up Avril Lavigne’s dating history and it’s the worst thing ever. I really need to end this.
Mr. Funny Pants is funny, but it’s not pants, and I’m not sure if books have genders, but it’s definitely worth reading if you’re into laughing, and if you’re not into laughing then I have this book about the holocaust I could suggest to you. Unless you’re an anti-semite. Then Mr. Funny Pants will do just fine – the joke there being that the humorless anti-semite would laugh at the holocaust book, thus making him not humorless?, but not at the actual funny book…the joke wasn’t that anti-semites would like Mr. Funny Pants, although I suppose it’s technically not illegal for them to.