Thoughts On Survivor: Season 24 Episode 1

If you’re reading this then you’re probably a huge or somewhat mediocre survivor fan – not in between, only one of the two – so I’m just gonna start with what everyone is thinking after the first episode.

Why the hell are the guys so much hotter than the women? Every year they have a couple buff guys, but this year they have Matt, Michael and Jay who are genuinely attractive. Look, I can work out for hours and hours every single day in hopes of getting a six pack, pecs and killer biceps dude, but my face will still be fucked forever (not literally). These guys have amazing faces. Listen Colton, I know you’re super stereotypically gay, but at the beginning of the episode where you said you were better looking than the other guys you lost all gay credibility with me, and then you immediately gained it back and more throughout the rest of the episode where you were extremely gay, and not in a bad way, I was rooting for you to get the idol so you could play it and Matt’s dumb, but incredibly good looking, ass would be blindsided. Speaking of which, I’d like to blindside him if you know what I mean…I mean I’d like to run him over with a truck.

He just seems like an asshole, and judging on the preview for next episode Colton looks like he’s about to turn into an asshole too, so on the men’s tribe I don’t know who I’m left to root for. I usually root for the black guy, I don’t know if it’s white guilt or because all my idols growing up were black, but that’s what I tend to do, but Bill, the black guy, seems to be aligned with the three douche, but incredibly hot, bags (that doesn’t even make sense).

Tarzan and Troyzan annoy the crap out of me, so I can’t see myself ever rooting for them. The small person – some people refer to them as midgets, but I’m trying to be respectful so I’m not going to use the word midget – so the midget (that lasted long), I mean the small person seems favorable, but even he’s better looking than me, and I can’t play the, “Well women aren’t attracted to me because I’m kind of short,” card with him. I think he has a good chance of winning this game unless people realize he has a good chance of winning this game because he’s a short person. Kind of sucks for him because unless he plays an amazing game he’ll just be the guy who won because he’s a short person, but I have a feeling the million dollars will help out with that…that is if he wins, but he won’t because I’m rooting for…wait for it…wait for it…go check your twitter feed…so has Dane Cook tweeted anything interesting lately?…don’t lie, I know you follow him…and wait for it…

Finally, a nice doughy guy I can root for without feeling jealous of...although that smile of his is very friendly. Damn him!

Jonas! Now just because I’m rooting for Jonas on the male tribe doesn’t mean he’s going to win, but let me remind you of this, if you listen to the survivor podcast The Tribe they do a survivor pool where you pick who you think will win and answer questions like who you think will get voted and earn points and it’s fun and the podcast is good, and my overall pick to win it all was Kourtney. Yes, Kourtney, the girl who broke her wrist on the first episode and had to leave the game. So I think I’m due, and my new pick of Jonas will do much better. And by that I mean he won’t get voted out until the third week. I don’t really like him, I just think he’s less of a douche then the rest of the male tribe, so on that side I’m definitely rooting for him and Leif, the small person, and maybe Colton but I’m afraid he’s going to turn into a bitch, and not the lovable, “look how skinny Paris Hilton’s arms are. I’ve had bigger things in my butt. Oh look at me being such a bitch,” kind of way, but the, “Imma rip that weave out and shove it up your butt, Skank,” kind of way. But we’ll just have to wait and see.

Actually I didn’t really pick Jonas as my overall pick. I picked Kat from the female tribe. I’m not at all afraid that the men will dominate the challenges and the women will be voted out one by one. I mean given the chance I think that would definitely happen, unless the challenges end up being strictly non-physical. But even endurance-wise I’m not sure this female tribe could beat the men, and they usually save the endurance challenges until the tribe merge anyway. But I’m not worried about it because I’m completely confident – maybe too confident now that I think about it, which is why I choose never to think about things – that the tribes will be shuffled either after the second or fourth episode, or maybe third and they’ll have lonely island (or exile island as it’s better known) but it is lonely. So if that happens it’s going to depend on how the two big alliances get split up on who is going to last, unless crazy shit goes down, which I don’t think it will for some reason. No good reason at all.

I just think Kat seems likable enough. It was when she was in the middle of the argument between Alicia and Christina – who I’m surprisingly very attracted too, no offense Alicia, your boobs are nice and I look forward to them poping out many times during the season, Christina just edges you out a bit for no logical reason at all – that I saw the potential in Kat winning it all. Just seems vaguely athletic, but not enough to be considered a threat, and she’s attractive, but not too attractive for anyone to be jealous over, unlike Jay, Michael and Matt, who I would never vote for, unless they do that thing were they make their pecs bounce up and down and it hypnotizes me.

As for the rest of the girl tribe…well I was too busy being hypnotized by Michael, Matt and Jay’s pecs to notice there was a girl tribe. Alicia or Christina is going to go early. Probably Christina because she doesn’t have the alliance on her side, so a tribe switch would benefit her perhaps most, especially since she did engage the fire trade with the guys so they might have some good will for her, but I could also see Alicia going early because she can’t keep her opinions to herself and people tend not to like people who don’t keep their mouth shut and keep causing problems for the tribe.

About the chicken fiasco, I’m on the girl’s side on this one. I don’t care if a half hearted deal was made to share the chickens before the chickens were caught. That douche Michael stole a ton of their shit at the beginning so honesty in this game is thrown out the window. I do think the guys would have shared the chicken, if for no other reason than feeling guilty about stealing their stuff. I don’t know if it was brought up but not showed, but I was surprised that the girls didn’t bring up the guys stealing the axe when defending why they didn’t hold true to sharing the chicken. As soon as the guys took the girls stuff trust was thrown out the window, and as long as it’s girls and guys it’s going to stay that way, as shown when the guys took immediate immunity instead of continuing the challenge after Kourtney had to quit.

Where’s the pride, guys! As a man, albeit not a very manly one, I’m ashamed – however it was the smart decision seeing as this is a challenged based on numbers and the fewer numbers the faster a team can potentially finish the challenge, so I don’t know if it would have went 9 on 8 or if the guys would have had to drop someone, and I do feel like if the places were swapped the girls would have took immunity too. I know it’s smart to take the easy way, but don’t people want to earn anything anymore? (Probably not in a game for a million dollars, minus taxes.)

The twist of having the two tribes live together has worked out nicely thus far. We’ve seen Colton team up with the girls and get a hidden immunity idol from them, and the whole chicken fiasco, and girls needing fire, and I think it will get even more interesting when the tribe mix up, which I believe will come soon, happens, because most of the women will want to still be with the women and the same goes for the men, so I can see a lot of paranoia around camp with everyone being so close and it being so easy for people to make deals with the other tribe.

It's Kat - I gotta go pee too badly so I can't think of a good caption.

My predictions for next week are that there is a reward challenge which the guys win hands down and then in a surprise the females win the immunity challenge and the guys end up voting out Jonas, yes, Jonas, because by me rooting for him I’ve put a huge target on his back. In the preview for next week it shows Colton showing a couple of the guys the idol in a, “you can’t fuck with me,” kind of way, which is why I said I fear he’s going to get bitchy, and showing it takes away his ability to blindside the tribe and be able to win at tribal with eight votes to one, now the other males can just split the vote if they so decide to, which I’m betting they do, because at this point I don’t see anyone going against the big alliance, which is bad for Jonas, because they’re not going to vote out Leif, the small person, this early – I only keep bringing up him being a small person because at this point in the game it relates a lot to what I think will happen concerning him, which sucks – and they’re probably going to aim to keep the tribe strong, so the only hope for Jonas is that he’s smart and maybe they want to keep him around for puzzles.

So until next time, keep on surviving (cheesy) huh? Oh, I didn’t even mean it that way, I just mean the world is crazy and you could get killed a million different ways, so that’s something to think about while you go to bed tonight (sweet ending).


About Danniel
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