Some people know Patton Oswalt as that one dude who was on that one sitcom with that guy who was in that mall cop movie, or as the voice of that rat who cooks, or as that guy who probably should have been nominated for an Oscar in his work in the film Young Adult, or as a very funny and smart standup comedian, or as Downton Abbey’s biggest enthusiast on Twitter, but not me, nope, I just know him as the guy who watches clips of Walter Payton – or possibly it could have been some other old great runningback – on Youtube before he writes because it inspires him to see someone be the very best at what they do and that will help him be a better writer. I also know him as all the other things I listed above, but if I was writing his obituary, and God willing someday far in the future I will be, I’d lead with the Walter Payton clips tidbit.
This past week he sat in with Adam Carolla, Bald Bryan and Alison Rosen – Alison is quickly becoming one of my favorite people in the world which is actually depressing because she’s one of the few, at least somewhat, celebrity girls that I could actually see myself dating, not like a Marisa Miller type where it’d just be unbelievably pleasant to have sexual intercourse with her but we probably wouldn’t have much to talk about when we cuddle after the passionate sex, and not just because I’d be unable to make audible sense with my face firmly pressed against her bosoms, but because we probably don’t have much in common, but I feel like Alison Rosen’s personality is pretty amazing, too bad there’s such a big age difference between us, oh and also she lives in LA and has no idea I exists and is way out of my league and has a boyfriend, who I hope things go amazing with because she seems like a great person so I want her to be happy – and Patton was there for the entirety of the Adam Carolla Podcast episode, which is nice and rarely happens, but it was lucky, or possibly because of a greater being at hand, – hopefully I’m implying that God is a huge Adam Carolla and Patton Oswalt fan and really likes hearing them together – that Patton was able to be on the show for the whole hour and a half because in general he’s a funny guy, but even though him and Adam don’t see eye to eye on a lot of bigger issues in the world they get along really amazingly, comedically.
Some of the things they talked about were Demi Moore getting rushed to the hospital and Adam shares his theory on her having to work harder on her looks because she’s not a conventional beauty in Hollywood, which I’m not so sure I agree with. I was in the Oswalt and Bald Bryan camp of her being pretty damn beautiful, especially when she was younger. And let’s not even get into how many times I’ve masturbated to her in one particularly sexy movie of hers (G.I Jane?) the readers didn’t need to know that.
They also talked about Patton Oswalt yelling at a lady who was filming a standup bit he was working on for an upcoming special. Although I don’t necessarily agree with some of the things he allegedly said to her, like making fun of her weight, – although if he’s run across this a lot and it’s not stopping he’s probably taking it to new extremes in hopes that maybe that would be enough to stop people from doing it – I do agree with his argument that the bits he’s working on are for his job, and if people record them and put them online, especially when they’re in very early developing stages, it affects his career in a negative way, and you’re not allowed to go mess with someone at their job, but for some reason people think it’s okay to mess with comedians and celebrities while they’re trying to work and make money to support their selves and their families.
They also got into the news of rapper 50 Cent making a bet and saying that if the Giants lose the Super Bowl that he would tweet a picture of his penis. It’s not like the Giants are a favorite, in fact I believe they’re the underdog, so there’s a decent chance 50 Cent is going to lose this bet, and I’m betting – not with the wager of showing my penis – that he knows that and this is all just some ploy for him to have an excuse to show the world his huge penis, assuming he has a huge penis, and considering he made this appearingly bad bet it’s safe to assume he has a huge penis…oh, and then there’s the black thing, which lead into a very funny thing Patton Oswalt said – by the way, if I had a huge penis I’d always make excuses to show it off: “I don’t have one single mole on my entire body, I’ll prove it,” pants come flying off, “well what do you know, there is a mole there, I should probably have that checked out.” They were talking about large black penises and Adam Carolla brought up Dennis Haysbert’s penis (he was the president in 24 and is in the Allstate insurance commercials) because he saw it when they showered in the same area after a celebrity baseball game and apparently Haysbert has a huge penis, in which Patton accused Haysbert’s penis of being racist for perpetuating a ugly racist stereotype, and hearing that made me lol out loud with laughter.
On You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes his buddy TJ Miller came on to discuss a recent feud with Dane Cook in which Dane Cook bumped people to go on stage for the first time in awhile (very common practice in standup comedy, the comedians who have done their time and are more famous can cut in line and go up earlier on open mic nights) and he wasn’t doing so well and started insulting some people in the crowd and TJ Miller went on Twitter and ranted about it and Dane Cook felt like by TJ doing that it was bad for the freedom of speech in comedy but TJ feels like Dane can do whatever he wants on stage but he shouldn’t insult the audience who wasn’t even their to see him and paid money to be their that night and also if Dane Cook is for freedom of speech than he (TJ) should be able to say whatever he wants on Twitter, especially to his own followers.
I thought I turned a corner on Dane Cook and he wasn’t that bad of a guy and was just getting a bad rap for being so famous – to be clear I didn’t turn a corner on his comedy, just his personality – but this makes Cook seem like an asshole. Dane can say whatever he wants on stage and insult all the people he wants. I don’t think it’s the smartest or best way to go about doing comedy, and I’m guessing he did it because he hasn’t bombed much in a very long time so has forgotten the best way for him to deal with it, but if that’s what he did then it’s fine, but also people should have the freedom to criticize him for doing it, which I’m doing right now. And just to be clear I’m not a TJ Miller fan. I came into this not expecting to side with his argument, but not necessarily expecting Dane Cook to be in the right either. Both of their comedy styles don’t really appeal to me, but from what I’m hearing from both sides TJ’s way of looking at comedy seems like a much healthier one, especially for the fans.