This Is What Happens When I Try To Write About Football

The Super Bowl has been decided and it’s going to be great because Madonna is performing with the New York Who and the Whatsit Patriots doing some kind of opening and closing three hour act for her. The halftime show has never been exciting for any football fan, excluding Prince’s performance, – football fans love short flamboyant jerry curled men, especially the fans in the south – but I have a feeling that that’s part of the reason people like Madonna and Prince and The Black Eyed Peas get to perform at halftime, because it appeals to an audience that otherwise wouldn’t necessarily tune into a football game. What the NFL has managed to do is actually kind of brilliant. Obviously football is the most exciting sport for Americans to watch and it’s played much less frequently than other sports so it has that appeal to it, but now the championship game is this huge event where iconic musicians perform often and new commercials are played where it costs millions for a 30 second spot, so even people who don’t like football watch to see the new commercials or the halftime performance, while I just wanna watch the God damn game and not see a commercial where Danica Patrick hops in a shower and says if I wanna see more to go to and then I go there and she’s not naked at all, not that I necessarily wanted to see her naked because I’m not that attracted to her, but I just wanted to see how far they actually took the commercials online, and it turns out unironically the company who once backed SOPA didn’t take it that far.

One more thing about Madonna (isn’t this supposed to be about football) I’ll get to football in a moment…probably. No one finds her attractive, right? I don’t mean to be mean, and I don’t literally mean nobody, but the whole super skinny and slightly muscular look isn’t appealing on women, right? And this isn’t me trying to sound sexist. This is my eyeballs telling me a fact. I’m convinced that eighty to ninety percent of the people perpetuating the “girls look better skinny” thing are women, not men. Almost every one of the men I know prefers curves and is actually a little turned off by a skinny woman. I get that super models are known as the most beautiful women on the planet, to which I vehemently disagree with, but the thing about super models is they’re skinny because the clothing designers – hate to stereotype, actually I don’t that much, but most clothing designers fall into one of three categories, woman, gay, or trying to have sex with models – want their clothes to appear slimming, so they hire skinny women, but generally the skinny women that get hired will also have pretty faces, so I argue that super models are not beautiful because they’re tall and skinny, but rather because they have beautiful faces, therefore skinny is not attractive, don’t get me wrong, neither is being overweight, and aside form just the aesthetic being too skinny and too fat are both unhealthy so from an evolutionary standpoint it makes sense that they would be unattractive because people would want to breed with the best of the best of the opposite sex, or in today’s era adopt with the best of the best of the same sex, which is cool with me, lots of kids need parents and I haven’t seen any evidence to convince me two moms or two dads would do a worse job than two people of the opposite sex, not to mention usually the kid ends up being “raised” by only one parent (so will football be talked about at all?) I might make a prediction at the end.

For some reason I kind of like both the New England Patriots and the New York Giants. I didn’t like the Ravens for an unexplainable reason, possibly because a lot of people have been liking them lately so I jumped the other way, and I hate the San Francisco 49ers because I’m a big Seahawks fan – although I would like the 49ers if I wasn’t a Seahawks fan and Alex Smith wasn’t on the team, I grew up loving black athletes so white quarterbacks really annoy me for some reason. I’m happy both teams made it to the super bowl, but I really shouldn’t be.

The Patriots have had enough success for awhile, so I don’t really think they need to win, but I just love watching Tom Brady so much, which is weird because I usually root for the underdog. But it’s hard to root for the underdog when watching one of the greatest athletes to ever play the sport, which Brady might be. Even watching Tiger Woods after he had sex with all those women and became my hero…I mean a horrible and despicable man – as a person who still hasn’t had sex finding out he cheated on his wife made me hate him because the idea of sex and who people have it with has now become way too important and meaningful to me and also I’m extremely jealous of his penis – but when watching Woods it’s hard not to want him to return back to glory, just so I can watch one of the best players of all time. There’s just something great about watching someone who could be the best ever, and that’s the feeling I get when I watch Tom Brady or when I would watch Payton Manning and probably that I’ll get in a few years when watching Aaron Rogers (all white by the way) damn, where are all the good black quarterbacks hiding. Could Cam Newton be my great black hope? No, because he beat Oregon in the BCS game so now I hate him forever.

With New York I kind of like them because they’re such a high profile team that everyone overreacts when they lose, and that excites me because I know just how good their defense can be and that they can easily be an elite team in the league, which they proved. But I still hate Eli Manning (another white quarterback) but surprisingly not because he’s white, but rather because on draft day he didn’t want to play for San Diego and bitched and whined about it until he went to New York and San Diego got Philip Rivers, who I also don’t like (white quarterback) but I think the Giants would have been more successful with Rivers, possibly two super bowls before playing for this possible third, but who knows how anything would have ended up, I just think Rivers is a better quarterback but to be fairer to Eli Rivers has played on his share of extremely talented teams and has yet to end up even in a super bowl, but to be somewhat fair to Rivers he’s had to go up against Baltimore’s defense, Pittsburgh’s defense and the power house offense’s of the Colts and Patriots.

Let’s see, what else…oh yeah! For some inexplicable reason I really like the song Like A Prayer by Madonna (what else about football?) how the hell would I know?

I feel like this will be an exciting game played down to the wire with both teams giving it their all, but a couple players aren’t really that into it, they were just incredibly gifted athletically and the sport pays well, but others leave their blood, sweat and tears on the field, and other lesser known players who don’t see much action run out to the field and collect those blood, sweat and tears of the famous players in baggies and sell them on Ebay.

My prediction: Madonna rocks our socks off.

My other prediction: Godaddy continually tricks me into checking out there website where no females are found nude.

My other other prediction: Twitter goes over capacity while everyone simultaneously tweets “Gronk!” and/or searches “Bibi Jones”/“Britney Beth”

My other other other prediction: Brady leads the Patriots down the field where a next to last second field goal wins the game over the Giants, 27 to 24.

The prediction everyone’s been waiting for: All my predictions are wrong, obviously excluding this almost paradoxical one.


About Danniel
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