#5 It’s What I’ve Become But It’s Not What I Will Stay

#5 Ballgame by Kevin Devine

Hearing this song performed live in an old basement tavern in downtown Portland with only about 25 other people while only ten feet away from Kevin Devine strumming his guitar and singing his soul out was one of the greatest moments of my life (says the man who has never had sex therefore can’t say he’s ever really experienced true greatness) I can’t necessarily argue with that, but seeing this song live was amazing, and I’m lucky to have discovered my love for this song before I heard it live, unlike when I saw Say Anything perform back in 2006 when they were just a band I had heard a few songs from when I would listen to Christopher’s MP3 player, so I wasn’t able to fully enjoy the experience of hearing Admit It, Alive With The Glory Of Love and Belt, all of which were in the top 30 of this countdown (27, 16 and 10, respectively).

“I realize that my shit’s about as small as it could be, but that makes me feel worse for even feeling this bad in the first place.”

That line speaks to me about as much as any line in any creative endeavor ever has, and that includes my own work. Not only because my ass droppings are generally little, but mostly because in terms of quality of life I have things so fucking good, yet I feel so God damn depressed, and I know I should be happier, but being so sad over such small shit makes me feel even worse, quite pathetic.

It is worrying, but I’m young enough to have some hope that it’s not an official pattern, and I don’t yet have to fear of the songs warning being true to me, “And when you realize it’s a pattern and not a phase, it’s what you’ve become and it’s what you will stay, that’s ballgame.” Ballgame meaning the game is over (“And that’s the ballgame, folks”) because once it becomes a pattern what more is there to look forward to? I mean sure I can find more creative ways to keep myself from ever being happy or succeeding, but is that really a life worth looking forward to? No, not for me, and arguably less so for the people in my life. So for me and more importantly the people I care about I hope my previous way of living and even some times current way of thinking was and is just a phase, and not a pattern.

I say way of thinking because it’s not just about where I am in life. Where I am in life is 24, still living at home, no car or license or job or girlfriend and never having had sex (which for some reason is considered a bad thing?) for certain reasons it is, but also I have a supportive family, and friends, and way more people in my life that care about me than I deserve, and food to eat, and a cellular phone I pay for with the little money I make that if I were an adolescent teen I could use to send pictures of my naked penis – or perhaps it in a tuxedo – to women, but I don’t, not because I have class, but because I’m deathly afraid I’ll accidently send it to my mother, but the point is that I’m at a good place in life, well not good in terms of who I am and what I’ve done as a person, but good in what I’m surrounded by, yet I can’t be happy. Part of it is healthy. I hold myself to high standards and unfortunately I’ll probably always think I should be doing better in life even if I’m doing greater things than I could have ever imagined. That isn’t necessarily the healthy part, but it’s nice not to be content with just being good. Although it would be nice if rather than dying to be great and being shit I could not care and just be okay. Or is that better? I guess that’d be better. I guess that’s not who I am because I don’t wanna be just okay, I want to be great, and I believe one day I will be. Although maybe I just wanna set myself up for failure because I like being sad? I don’t think I like being sad. I don’t think I really have a choice. I still like being hopeful though.

I’m writing this at the library. (Why is that relevant?) Well aside from it being way too crowded, much like the bus, with people that I feel sorry for/scare me, much like the bus, I’m also writing a lot. I wrote what you’re reading of this so far, plus a short skit, another longer skit thingy, and transcribed/edited another short skit all in just over two hours – had I been at home in that time span I would have listened to two podcasts and masturbated one and a half times. I wanted to try this out because while helping my mother with work over in Canby a couple weekends ago I had a lot of spare time in between show times for Sherlock Holmes and there weren’t any movies I really wanted to watch in the 8 auditorium theater so instead I went over to a coffee shop 33 feet away from the theater and sat with coffee and wrote and I seemed to get some stuff done, so I decided to leave my house and write somewhere else, although not coffee shops because it seems cliché, I don’t have anything near me but seven Starbucks, and I don’t really have money to buy coffee everyday, plus I didn’t want people to see me writing, especially in a coffee shop, so I decided on the Library since I live a 104 seconds walk away. Unfortunately because a large portion of the world still doesn’t have a computer/internet access the library is crowded with people, 20% of which are using the computer, 65% of which are waiting to use the computer, 10% of which are reading the newspaper, 4% of which look lost, 1% of which are looking for books, 100% of which I feel are staring at me casting judgment when I’m not looking, and 0% of which are hot girls looking to hook up with a 24 year old virgin who has zero sexual experience and is writing at the library but not on a novel or screenplay.

I kind of love the library though. I really love this song.


About Danniel

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