I want this year to be big, I really do. I know with the way I talk some times and my actions, almost all the time, it would be easier to surmise that I don’t want to be happy or successful ever, but despite all the negativity and laziness I really believe that I want to be happy and even successful at the things I enjoy doing. After this year without a doubt I will still be a loser, and I am forced to be content with that because that is the hole I dug myself into, but if all, or at least most, goes right it will be the beginning of greater things to come, and a good base to build the person I want to become off of. I believe this will be the year I finally make the big changes in myself and I will start to work harder. Of course I say that every year. And of course that too I say every year.
I spoke of being a loser at the end of this year, even if all goes right I’ll be a loser, and I’m content with that because I’m content with being patient, which is not easy, not for me and it appears not for most people. There are a lot of things I blame for the shitty place I am in life, most of which are of course my fault, but maybe the biggest thing I need to work on is patience. Even as I write this I’m annoyed at the idea of it not being done right now and not knowing when I’m going to finish writing this, if ever – I’ve started a decent number of writing pieces that I never finished, many of which due to my impatience of taking my time to make it the way I want, others of which because I decided to nap.
My slogan for the year is, “I’m trying to be patient.” It barely beat out, “A man should be measured by the size of his heart: not by the size of his penis,” which is less of a slogan and more of an ego boosting mantra to be repeated seven times daily each morning while standing naked in front of the mirror.
I don’t even really know how to describe my experience with patience. I struggle with the idea of taking a long time to get something done, but not like taking two hours to do the dishes, but with something that is supposed to take a long time to do, like writing a TV show spec script – a spec script is writing a script on speculation of getting paid or a job based off it later rather than being paid to write the script beforehand. A TV show script should take weeks, maybe even months, maybe even years if the person is starting from the very beginning of an idea, so is it really even a problem with patience in the time it takes to write a script that is annoying to me? Or is it more a problem with the realistic hard work and time it takes to finish a script? Or are those both the same thing? These questions aren’t meant to be answered I think. Or are they?
I guess what I’m trying to do in my everyday life is realize that there are going to be days and times when it feels like I’m doing nothing because I’m going to have nothing to show for it in that moment, but if I take all those little moments that feel so meaningless and string them together over days and weeks and even years and decades they can build to something very meaningful. I mean I do realize that, and I think most people do, but it’s still hard to apply that notion. It’s very hard not to live in the moment. I mean for me, and maybe you as well, but I don’t want to speak for you, but for me I like to spend the first half of my day doing nothing and the second half of my day hating myself for spending the first half of my day doing nothing while still doing nothing (apparently “in the moment living’ means doing nothing) for me it does. Other people will eat half a cake when they’re supposed to be on a diet and feel bad afterwards, or go out and party all weekend and feel bad on Monday when they get to school not at all prepared for the test, or sleep with a really hot stripper when they’re engaged and then later feel absolutely horrible and want to die…when they realize the stripper had herpes. But my living in the moment is apparently lying around on my mildly firm, yet indecently hairy, literal butt and listen to podcasts or watch TV show commentaries or masturbate, or masturbate again or masturbate for a third time or try to masturbate for a fourth time but have to stop because it’s too sore…I’m kidding of course…it doesn’t get sore until like the seventh time in a span of 29 hours…I mean I assume.
I don’t yet know how I’m going to be better this year. I’ve tried to be better a lot over the past few years because I’ve been very depressed and annoyed with myself over the past few years. I usually do good for a little while, but I always revert back to my old self, a fourteenth century prostitute with an attitude…I mean a lazy…um, well, I guess just a lazy guy. Seems like there should be more words to describe me, but I think lazy is the only accurate one (some say adding guy to it may even be a stretch) ouchies.
I was thinking of making a schedule and sticking to it. Do I have reason to think I would stick to it? I don’t know, but I’ve never really tried it before. I’ve told myself I’d do certain things every day or five times a week or whatever, but I never had a specific time to do things. I always kind of thought it was silly that people needed to have a schedule and that they can’t really work or that I was better than needing to have a schedule for myself. But turns out I’m not better than that, and needing a schedule isn’t a bad thing, and from what I’ve heard with people it can help. Demetri Martin went as far as having a reward system for whenever he did something productive, and I think even an unreward system for when he did bad things, like stealing an old lady’s purse, or at least I like to imagine – what’s a word for unreward? (Punishment?) nah, I’ll just keep unreward. I don’t think I’ll go as far as a reward/unreward system, but I’ve thought about it. Maybe if I write everyday for a week, clean my room, and only masturbate when absolutely necessary I’ll allow myself to steal a purse from an old lady (that joke was already used) and when was that? (like two sentences ago, “unreward system for when he did bad things, like stealing an old lady’s purse”) that’s completely different. He punishes himself for stealing purses, but my reward is getting to steal a purse. Completely different jokes, yet somehow same jail sentence.
Ever notice how my blog posts always end poorly?