An Asshole


There’s this girl here who looks very simlar to Kat Dennings, but not quite as made up, which makes her more attractive…to me. I’m on break from helping my mother with work at this theater in Canby, Oregon, a smallish town. I’m sitting in this little café inside a Thriftways, conveniently 13 steps away from the theater – I originally wrote 12 steps, which would be more accurate (not really) but crossed it out because 12 steps sounds awkward for obvious alcohol related reasons.

I saw her yesterday and was very attracted to her butt. Regular readers of my blog (so no one) well then new readers of my blog (so no one) well then I know (still no one) that I’m attracted to girls with curves, Kat Dennings would be an example, so I like bigger butts I suppose – to be clear I’m talking Kim Kardashian, not Rosie O’Donnell. When I saw her face I found her very cute. It wasn’t until a few moments ago however that I realized her resemblance to Kat Dennings. And when I did these thoughts, in the form of a text I was going to send to my friend Christopher, went through my head,

“There’s a girl here that looks like Kat Dennings. She really turns me on. I wish I was an asshole so I could go sweet talk her and then fuck the shit out of her in the bathroom and then leave without even saying ‘Thanks,’ because nice guys are supposed to thank women after random hooks ups, right? I guess nice guys don’t have random hook ups. I guess that’s why I wish I was an asshole sometimes. Don’t tell Jenna I said this. I’m kidding. I only said that so you would tell her. Not that I think you would if I told you not to. I just knew when I said not to tell her that I’d then say this, proceeded by, “I’m secretly/not-so-secretly in love with the fact that Jenna has some kind of interest in my love life.” I really like her. I really like that you like her and even though I’m really jealous when you talk about her it makes me happy to know she makes you that happy and excited. I think, but don’t know, that that’s how relationships are supposed to be. I want that. I don’t want to be the asshole who fucks celebrity look-a-like bagger girls at semi-trendy grocery stores. But I hate so much the pain of waiting for that, and not knowing if I’ll have it, or be able to make some girl feel the way Jenna makes you feel, and I assume you make her feel, and that instead of being patient and hopeful, I’m becoming more and more this guy who no longer wants to give a fuck. I wanna fuck the Kat Dennings look-a-like. But I don’t really, and that kind of sucks. I really wish I could walk over there and start a conversation and make her laugh with my stupid, awkward jokes that I refuse to accept girls actually like even though I can recount numerous, and by that I mean 2…kidding…but seriously, I say seriously like you were the one making jokes, but numerous times where my silly, dorky jokes have made girls laugh, and even like me, although eventually they realize they can do better, and I guess I don’t mind that, because I firmly believe that one day I won’t be the better’d, but rather the better, and that came off cheesy. But I wish I could get Kat Dennings look-a-like’s number, and talk to her, and maybe fall for her, which is stupid because this is Canby, only a half hour away from Portland but I can’t drive, and I don’t know if she could, and even if she could what’s she gonna do, come visit me at my mom’s house? God I’m such a loser. I know you also live at home, Chris, but you’re doing great in college, have a college radio show, and a very attractive girlfriend. You have no idea how fucking seriously jealous of you I am. And you’re way funnier than me, which is nice because hopefully you’ll rub off on me…yada, yada, masturbation joke, jada…I think that’s why I put you down so much in front of the others. It’s true that I try to bring you down to my pathetic level, when I should be trying to climb up to your level, I just can’t though. It’s not that I don’t believe in myself…It’s that I believe so much in you. I know that sounded gay, but some things just need to sound gay. The world is better/funnier that way. It is stupid that I’d even consider me and Kat Dennings look-a-like a possibility. She’s way out of my league, but every girl I like is, and even though she’s not in Portland at least she’s closer than Arizona, or Wisconsin, or Suburban New York, or Texas. I still love Texas girl, but I’m annoyed that I sit and wait while they have fun. I don’t blame them. She just wants to have fun, the other she is very selfish and in the moment, the other she is bat shit crazy but also very sweet (and far too hot…but they all are), and the last she, the Suburban New York She, I don’t blame her because what she did was my fault and I’ll always hate myself for that. I miss her a lot. She was a little crazy, and had a bad past, but she deserved me, she really did. But I let her down, and now we don’t talk. I hope to God, the same God I firmly don’t believe in but always say I hope to God, that she’s happy. No offense, but she deserves it the most. Damn, I fucked up bad. I’m a horrible person. You think I’m a horrible person, right? Come on, I need some validation.”

Okay, only about half of that really went through my head when I wanted to text Christopher about Kat Dennings look-a-like. I didn’t text it to him though. For one it would have been too long. But also I didn’t feel like he’d care that much. I don’t feel like anyone would care that much and I don’t even feel like there’s anyone in my phone who I’d want to share my feelings for Kat Dennings look-a-like with. I don’t feel like I have anyone I can open up to anymore.

This turned out more serious than I thought it would be. Not that it matters. That I care thought…that I care.


About Danniel
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