I Haven’t Went To The Bathroom Yet

I had a charming little semblance of a day, yeah?

The cloudless winter days are the coldest. That isn’t a factual statement by any means, it’s just something I’ve noticed in my life. I have my theory, and I did a little google research to back me up, and found nothing that my feeble mind could grasp, so I can only assume my theory is right (Hear that children? Whenever you can’t find the answer you want just assure you were right in the first place) I’d be a happier man if I lived by that rule (remember to edit out the joke “I mean I am happy, I’m just not a man”). But basically I took what I know about global warming – and if you don’t believe in global warming this theory probably won’t make sense to you, but hell, if you don’t believe in global warming most simple things don’t make sense you to, ha! take that you non green dudes and dudettes – and with global warming the more smog the more heat that is trapped on Earth, thus warming it and melting big ice chunks that could be put to better use in my martinis – I don’t drink martinis and do martinis generally come with ice? – and it throws off the seasonal balance thus ruining the Earth, and also for good measure let’s say it was behind 9/11 as well. So my theory is more clouds more crap to hold the heat in the atmosphere and that’s why in the winter it’s warmer on cloudy days than sunny days.

My room is horrible. When it’s cold it’s fucking freezing and when it’s hot I’m literally – not literally literally, but you know – in hell. But on days like today, where it’s cold and sunny it’s somehow decent. The sun heats my room and for some reason it’s spared from the cold, so after I shower I’m able to sit around in my towel for an hour before I garner enough effort to put underpants on, and I only did that because I wanted to leave my room for sustenance. The few days previous to this when waking up I could barely get out from under my covers because it was so cold, and I slept in full regalia, which I hate doing. I’m usually a boxers man, because I like to have some freedom but I don’t want things going too crazy down there. But in this cold I’ve got on sweat pants, two shirts, a beanie and two cock socks. Not because my penis is cold, but because my fingers get cold and I lost my mittens.

On the most recent episode of the podcast my pod mate buddy Christopher brought up an interesting point that you – but especially you – should hear. He loves music. You know the way you love sex? No, you don’t? Well you love sex a lot. And he loves sex a lot. And all you literal fuckers who have sex love sex so much and you love it almost as much as you throw it in the face of us literal assholes (literal?) who have never had sex. Well that’s how much he loves music. Only actually probably not as much. But anyway, he hates 99% of the music he hears. As do I. And a lot of people hate a lot of music. But still they love the music they like. But it’s just weird that people say they love music even though most of the music in the world they probably don’t like. Unless you’re one of those asshole snobs who just goes through life loving everything with your fucking stupid smile brightening everyone’s day and generally making this Earth a happier place…wait, why am I angry at them? (Because their happiness is jealousy invoking) oh yeah. Fuck them. Literally fuck them straight into the hell that is my bedroom in the summer. Not literally of course.

Anyway the bathroom is calling, and a shorter way to say that would have been nature is calling but not necessarily because nature is calling is shorter than the bathroom is calling because then I would have of course made mention of Jim Carrey’s hit film Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, which my memory recalls little of so I don’t know why I’d bring it up, but rather because had I said nature is calling with the subsequence Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls mention it still would have been a lot shorter than all of this which I have just written, so jokes on me because I really need to pee, and for some reason I validate that as an acceptable reason to end this blog even though I’m not going to post this until after I get back from the bathroom, and if you like bathrooms listen to the Closer To Clarity podcast, where we talked about pee for a moment or two, so that segue worked better than I would have imagined when starting it.

A Link to the Pastcast…I mean Podcast.


About Danniel

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