#7 “I Hope My Heart Goes First”

#7 We Are Beautiful We Are Doomed by Los Campesinos

This picture really got to me for some reason. I don’t know what I mean by “really got to me.” I didn’t laugh a lot. I laughed out loud. Well a chuckle I mean. Which actually is pretty rare for me. I thought I was a person who laughed a lot, but I recently realized I only laugh a lot when I’m with my friends, which isn’t that often. Other than that I don’t really laugh that often. I listen to a lot of comedy podcasts and watch a lot of comedy shows that are really funny, but it’s very rare that I’ll let out an audible laugh. If something really gets to me I’ll smile and think, “That was fucking funny.” However, if I’m in a good mood I will find myself laughing more than regular, even at stupid things – actually especially at stupid things. It’s probably not that when I’m with my friends we’re saying funnier things than the people in these podcasts and TV shows I listen to and watch. It’s just that I’m in a better mood when I’m with my friends, so I laugh more.

I didn’t come here to talk about laughing. I actually came here with very little to talk about. Two days ago when I first thought about writing about this picture I was under the impression that I wouldn’t be able to write more than a paragraph or two. I’m now completely confident that there will at least be three paragraphs. But probably no more than three and a half. I don’t think there can be such a thing as half a paragraph.

Later in the day after seeing this picture for the first time I realized why it got to me so much. I feel like on a Valentines Day, or perhaps just any random day of the year, I’d be with a girl I’m madly in love with and I’d wake up, cook her favorite breakfast for her, pick her fresh flowers, cover her body in kisses – not Hershey’s – make the sweetest of love to her, and then whisper into her ear, “Darling, you’ve made me happier than any man has ever been, there’s no one sweeter, no one more beautiful, no one I’d rather talk to until the end of time than you. God could try for all eternity and never be able to recreate any soul as beautiful as yours. I love you.” Then she’d lightly smile, reach over to the desk, and hand me a card upon which when I open am met with the picture drawn by Demetri Martin.

Stolen from whosay.com/DemetriMartin

Okay, that’s not completely what I think will one day happen, it’s kind of what I think already happened, not word for word of course. I just feel like I’m always more in love than the other person, which I can’t really blame the other person for. So the picture to me represents the way girls I’ve been in love with feel about me, which is a weird feeling. Barely in love means you like a person a whole lot, but somehow it sounds a lot worse than if someone just liked you. I’m barely in love with you sounds like at any moment things could just fall apart disastrously. And in my situations that turns out to be the case more often than not.

That’s all for today. I just really felt a connection with this picture, especially with what I’ve been going through. Thanks for the picture Demetri Martin – who’s comedy styling’s I enjoy. I love it…but just barely.

…..

After I wrote the above I decided that it should go with this song, but I also want to write a little about the song directly, and I should probably explain why I wanted to put all that with this song.

I wrote about how I always feel like I’m more in love than the other person is with me – which probably isn’t true in all occasions, it just connects more strongly to me when I’m the one not feeling the love returned – and it immediately reminded me of the lyrics in this song, “I taught myself the only way to vaguely get along in love is to like the other slightly less than you get in return. I keep feeling like I’m being undercut,” which only resonates with me in that in my experiences the person who is more in love ironically is the one who ends up being less happy. I suppose if everything goes hunky dory then maybe the person more in love ends up being more happy, but in my experiences everything never goes hunky dory, but I suppose one day it will, but when it does I imagine, or rather I hope, that she’ll be just as in love with me as I am with her.

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About Danniel

http://closertoclarity.com/
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