So apparently Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are no more, after only 72 days of every one saying they don’t give a fuck, all the while giving enough of a fuck to constantly let everyone know that they don’t give a fuck. I like to point out how people will constantly hate other people for liking things like Jersey Shore or Kim Kardashian and things of that nature that are generally shit on by the likes of bloggers and comedians and late night television shows, but I firmly believe that the reason these things are popular is not because of the people that like them, but rather because of the people that hate them, Justin Bieber aside, he’s just a phenomenon – holy shit I accidentally spelled phenomenon right without even trying. Granted I don’t hang out with a lot of people who would love Jersey Shore or Kim Kardashian, but generally 90% of anything I hear is negative towards those things. Shows like Jersey Shore wouldn’t exist if the people who claim to hate Jersey Shore just didn’t talk about it. It’s not the idiots who love the show that keep it alive. It’s the people who constantly bring it up just to shit on it that keep it relevant. But whatever you do don’t ever stop hating on Kim Kardashian, because I want her around until her ass is sagging down to the floor where it can mingle with my old ass sagging balls.
I have a problem with liking celebrity girls other people hate. Generally I may seem very pessimistic, but I like to give celebrities the benefit of the doubt (coincidentally these celebrities getting the benefit of the doubt are all hot women) complete coincidence. Okay, maybe not. But in my defense I once tried to tell people that Paris Hilton isn’t as dumb as people assume, this was years ago, and I have never been attracted to her – too tall and skinny. Unfortunately that came back to bite me in the ass. I saw way too many interviews with her hoping she’d give me anything to hold on to, something that would show she has some semblance of personality other than “that’s hot,” but turns out not so much, no offense Paris Hilton. I don’t like to make fun of celebrities that don’t deserve it, but she let me down.
Kim Kardashian was the next celebrity that I was hoping had something more behind all that juicy booty, but so far I haven’t seen much, and a lot of her antics proved against my hopes, such as rushing into a marriage with this nobody basketball player – the fact that he’s not a famous basketball player kind of gave me hope that she really did like him, but the fact that he shares the same name as her mom made me deeply concerned – only having the marriage to end in less than three months, giving everyone more reason to believe that it was just a publicity stunt to get her name in the news more and apparently get paid 10 million dollars for it, which is actually really admirable, because most regular people in love won’t get married for anything less than 15 million, let alone pay for their own wedding.
However, I still secretly think that in a real relationship she wouldn’t have that terrible of a personality. Maybe this is wishful thinking because to me she’s one of the most attractive people in the world. Not just because she has a big butt. But because she has curves and isn’t stick thin. The huge butt just pushes her over the top. Although the big butt can be over done. I don’t trust these people who are super into Nicky Minaj. Would I sleep with her? If I was the kind of guy who slept with random chicks than sure, she’s not terrible looking, but mostly it would just be for novelty. Also I’d be really into spooning, and her butt isn’t ideal for that.
In honor, if that’s the right word, of Kim and Kris’s breakup I’m posting Ray J’s song One Wish. For those of you who don’t know how Ray J is relevant to this – first of all if you don’t know go ahead and just kill yourself because obviously your life must be horribly shitty for not caring about celebrity news (sarcasm) also envy, I’m horribly jealous of people who actually have their own life to care about – Ray J was one of Kim’s ex boyfriends who she had a very famous sex tape with, I mean apparently has a sex tape with, I can’t really vouch for that because it’s not like I’ve seen it 47 times.
I really hate Ray J. For one he has a bigger and blacker penis than me, or at least longer, but from an ostensible view point that’s all people care about. Also, in this sextape, that again I haven’t seen 47 times but have heard a lot about from a real close friend of mine who definitely isn’t me but who’s name I can’t tell you because I can’t make one up off the top of my head at the moment, but in this sextape Ray J constantly makes eye contact with the camera, which is a real douchy thing to do. He cares more about his appearance in this sextape then he does about making love to Kim Kardashian – by the way, I’m super proud of myself for writing about this without stopping to go watch the sextape…for the first time of course, not the 48th.
That was going to be the last line of this post, but then I realized that it might make you assume that that was my breaking point and immediately after praising myself for not giving into the desire to watch the sex tape God of course made it his utmost desire to make me watch the sex tape. At this point I can neither deny nor confirm whether I watched the sex tape immediately after writing this. All I can say is that one of those scenarios sounds considerably better than the other.