I’ve been dreaming a lot lately, so of course while at David’s new apartment on early Friday night with nothing to do we decided to pick something out of the free selection of Amazon shows that David gets with his Amazon Prime membership, and while I did suggest a PBS Nova science documentary, it was completely his decision to choose the dream episode – not only was this choice apt because I had been dreaming a lot lately, but I was extremely tired from having been up since two that morning so what better to take my mind off sleeping than a documentary about sleeping.
In short the documentary alludes to the importance of dreaming being to help us work out life, which leads us to analyzing them, in my opinion, way too often, but even though I think many dreams are just weird without any real importance behind them, I still like to find the deeper meaning in them. So when I dream about giving my step dad a peck on the lips it’s not because I find him sexually attractive, but rather because I want to thank him for being an actual father to me, unlike my biological sperm donor who I haven’t seen since I was two but am somehow friends with on Facebook. And when I dream about going on a gay date with my gay male friend it’s not because I would like to be in relationship with him, but rather because I had spent the previous day with him and his boyfriend watching them be happy together and I so desperately want to be in a loving relationship…with a woman. (Wow, that’s a lot of gay dreams) It’s only two (Only two that you’ve told everyone about) And unless they get a peak in my diary they’ll only ever know about the two – this is actually pretty much my diary.
I started talking to Annabelle again. She’s the one that got me over Her (her being Dyana of course). Annabelle isn’t Her in the slightest, but they share some qualities, like the quality associated with pretty much every girl who I’ve ever liked or who has ever liked me even just vaguely, that quality being that she’s thousands of miles away from me. After Her I told myself that I would never wait for someone and do the long distance thing, and I think I’ll hold true to that, with the exception of Annabelle. There’s something incredibly amazing about Annabelle, but that’s not what this is about, and you’re lucky it’s not because if it was it would go on for pages and pages and pages and (they get the point) I don’t think they do, so let me just finish…and pages and pages and pages. There we go (well done wasting their time).
I’ve never dreamed about someone so much in such a short amount of time. Even with Her I almost never dreamed about Her, and I thought about Her constantly, probably more than I think about Annabelle, only because I was younger and it was my first love so I didn’t really know how to handle it, plus I had no idea what I was doing with my life so I had nothing to keep me focused, whereas now I have nothing going on with my life but at least I know what I would like to accomplish, so even though I think about Annabelle a lot, I also spend much of my time thinking about what I need to accomplish, and then of course get depressed because accomplishing it seems so difficult, and then masturbate the pain away, then feel guilty, then accomplish a small portion of what I wanted to get done in the day, then feel a little better and award myself with more masturbation, then feel shamed again, then lie in bed trying to sleep while I think about Annabelle, and then dream of Annabelle pretty God damn oftenly (oftenly?) why not?
The dreams aren’t good though. I’ve never had such a horrible time while dreaming about someone so beautiful. Well normally I don’t dream about beautiful women in general (or women at all, see second paragraph). I said dreams don’t always mean something because usually my dreams are completely random and so far away form anything going on in my life, but when I dream about Annabelle it’s always about Annabelle ignoring me.
Last night we were in some school type of thing which consisted of me trying to get Martin Mull to stop grabbing Annabelle’s ass, winning a huge box of candy for Annabelle then Annabelle saying thanks and running off to go I guess flirt with some guy named (it actually gets good here) Jackoff In The Box, who kind of looked like a younger more attractive version of Johnny Depp, who I mentioned in something I wrote yesterday, so that might have been why he looked that way (or once again the dream has a gay tilt to it?)
With Her I always had trust issues. Whether they were warranted is debatable. Whether on three occasions she stopped talking to me without even letting me know that she was going to, and two of which times she was interested in other guys, one of which time she started dating the guy less than a week after we had planned to see each other soon, is also debatable. But the people who debate for it not happening that way are factually incorrect. Not that I harbor any grudges of course (of course).
This definitely has a lingering effect. Annabelle is beautiful with an even more beautiful personality. She could have pretty much any guy she wants, and she gets a lot of offers, so I don’t know why she’d ever wait for me. Also like Her, Annabelle has been hurt in the past, so on multiple occasions they have both told me that it has nothing to do with me, it’s just they have trust issues. A while ago Annabelle told me this saying she wasn’t ready to be with anybody. I’m not sure how long after that, but about a month or two, I was feeling really down and called Annabelle, to my surprise she picked up, and within minutes we were somehow talking about this guy she really liked and how upset she was because he apparently did stuff with this girl she hates.
To that I told Annabelle, “You’re beautiful and amazing and if that guy doesn’t see it he’s clearly retarded in the most offensive way possible, and don’t worry about it because you’re going to find an amazing guy and be super happy.”
What I was really thinking, “What the fuck, I thought you weren’t ready to be with anybody and now you’re going after this guy, do you realize how this makes me feel? Why can’t you women be honest?” No offense women, guys aren’t honest either. “It’s not that you’re not ready to be in a relationship again, it’s that you don’t want to be in a relationship with me? If you just told me that I could handle it. That’s what Eva told me and the day after I felt fine, because she told me the truth, not some bullshit about not being ready. Just tell me the truth. I hate when people lie because eventually I find out the truth and then I want to kill myself. And don’t even get me started about how you just mentioned that he’s the sweetest guy you now,” which when she told me I was probably the closest to wanting to die that I’ve ever been, “you do realize that you used to say I was so special because of how sweet I was. I’m not fucking good looking, I don’t have money, or a good job or any other thing women find appealing. All I had was that I was sweet and now this guy took that away from me. This is the closest I have ever been to wanting to kill myself, and I’m fucking afraid of death, so that’s saying something. Despite how angry I am and how much I hate myself I do really hope you find the perfect guy and you’re happy. I love you, and I guess I’ll just have to keep trying to prove it to you.”
I don’t know what is going to happen with me and Annabelle. This is my last try, not just with things involving distance, but with relationships at all. I’m too young and inexperienced for this shit. I’m tired of going to sleep worrying if someone likes me, or if they’re going to randomly stop talking to me. And even though I tell myself that I’ll just be one of those guys who fools around with chicks never looking to settle down I know that’s not who I can be, and even if it was I wouldn’t be happy. I’m just doomed to chase down happiness. I almost called it false happiness because it’s so unlikely, but it’s not false happiness, it’s just hard to get to. I don’t believe things are meant to be or not meant to be. I believe Annabelle brings me happiness when I’m talking to her, and despite how unlikely it seems now I’m going to try and work for it. Maybe it’s not meant to be? Not only is she far away but she’s way out of my league. Well I’m going to make it meant to be. Just because things can’t happen now doesn’t mean they won’t ever happen. And I’m not going to just let time pass. I’m going to stay focused on what I want and I’m going to get it. And what I want is her. Not her as in Her, but her as in Annabelle (Told you that whole Her thing was confusing) I just don’t like saying Dyana (but you have no problems saying Annabelle?) It’s a name I’m going to be saying a lot.