I can’t fucking sleep. I gave it my all, but I can’t do it. Way earlier in the night I said, “Fuck it” and decided to do some pushups in the dark in my underwear while writing an email to someone, and then I brushed my teeth because I had forgotten (forgotten in this instance means didn’t want to) earlier in the night and then I collapsed in bed for an hour and still haven’t been able to fall asleep. This is complete bullshit.
I’ve been thinking of her of course. I’m almost always thinking of her. Even when I masturbate I’m thinking of her. Not in the way you may think. She’s extremely sexy, but for some reason masturbating to thoughts of her just seem wrong. Instead I look at other women. Other women who aren’t her. And I wish she were with me so I wouldn’t waste so much time masturbating which I only partially do for pleasure, while I mostly do it out of boredom and to stop thinking, which doesn’t quite work as well as it once did.
I’m listening to The Icarus Account right now. The same The Icarus Account that left a comment on one of my blog posts because I had one of their songs at like 98th on my list. Pretty cool moment. Had the list been made now they’d have more songs on the list. They’re easily in my top ten favorite bands. Okay, I’d have to think that further through to make that declaration. But I can say that they’ll easily be in my top ten favorite bands soon. So many of their songs touch home with me. Well not home as literal home. But home as in the home that is the soul housed within my body. Not that I necessarily believe in souls. The song Anchors Away particularly hits the metaphorical home with me,
“Every time I miss you I’m afraid that you’ve found someone else. That every thought I’ve spent on you is another moment here that I’ve lost. You don’t have time to talk, am I a memory that you’ve forgot? And what scares me most is how I’ve fall, I’ve fall, I’ve fallen for you. Hook line and sinker to every part of my heart.”
We’ve gone weeks, even months without talking before, but she always eventually talks to me again, but this time it feels different. Okay, that’s a complete lie. It feels exactly the same. But it’s still a shitty feeling. And it’s still a feeling of not knowing if she’ll ever talk to me again. It’s weird because I feel so close to her, but if she was going out with someone I don’t think she’d ever feel the need to talk to me. I don’t think it’s as cold as it sounds. I think she knows that we can’t just be friends. Or maybe it is just her not wanting to break my heart with that news? Or maybe she just found a guy who makes her happy and she forgot all about me? If it’s the first case I’d rather have the broken heart. If it’s the second then I’m happy for her.
I don’t feel like writing this has gotten me any closer to sleep. And now I’m hungry. I can’t wait to make breakfast in the morning, whenever morning might come for me. Now it feels like one of those nights where once I finally get to sleep I might sleep for ten or twelve hours, which is not something I’d like to do.
I guess I’m just gonna write until I fall asleep. Not write this. I’m done writing this.