#18 “Just To Disappoint You Know I Always Forget”

#18 Everything’s Too Cold…But You’re So Hot

I didn’t anticipate this song to make it this high up the list because I don’t listen to it that often anymore. There was a point a few years ago where I used to listen to it several times a day, and then I just kind of stopped listening to it so much. When I was compiling this list I knew it had to make the list because at that point in time when I was listening to it several times a day it was clearly my favorite song of the moment, a moment that spanned over several months. Any song that remains that important to me over many weeks I can guarantee you is on this list. And what I mean by ‘that important’ is that I had to listen to it. I couldn’t go many days without listening to it. There are well over 17 songs on this list that I would rather be listening to at this moment than this song. But there aren’t 17 songs on this list that held as big a hold over me as this song did for many weeks in a row.

My God damn cat chewed through my God damn earbud chord while I was sleeping last night. They were my last fully working pair of earbuds, which is important because I’m fully broke and can’t buy new ones so now my only pair of working head phones is my headset that I use to record the podcast with, but they’re too bulky to use while sleeping, which sucks because I often listen to my ipod while trying to sleep, and they have a microphone sticking out of them so they’d be really awkward to wear when going out, which sucks because every single time I leave my house I always take my ipod.

I didn’t get angry. I was saddened. I didn’t cry. I should have cried because it will affect my life a lot more than things I’ve cried over previously in my life, like stupid tv shows or movies. Or I guess I should just stop crying over stupid things. I only cry over stupid things. When most of my family dies I won’t cry. It’s a sad fact that I won’t cry, not sad enough to cry over of course. I think more than not really feeling bonded to much of my family it’s just because I don’t deal well with death. I just push it to the side and don’t ever try to deal with it. When my mother dies I imagine I’ll cry. I don’t know what else I’ll be able to do. You know how people say they don’t know how they’ll be able to live without someone? It’s almost always melodramatic or an extreme exaggeration. Well I don’t know how I’ll be able to live without my mother. I imagine within a matter of days I’ll be out on the street and starved to death, my pants filled with pee and poo, later to be eaten by raccoons, which I don’t mind.

What’s to get angry about? My cat doesn’t know what its doing. It thinks it’s a play thing. It thinks all food is meant for it and everything else in the world is its play thing. It’s human in that way. Many of us feel all animals were put here for our enjoyment. I’m not a vegetarian, but I constantly think about how odd it is that we eat animals. It’s not that odd of course, because other animals eat animals, but they are living things, and us being the ultimate conscious living things you’d think we’d maybe have some guilt about eating these things that we know can feel. Do we really think cats and dogs are somehow more emotionally attuned than deer, cows, and chicken – apparently the plural of deer is deer and not deers, learn something new every day. Okay, maybe chicken, and maybe even cows, but if Bambi has taught me anything it’s that deer cry when their mothers get shot. Maybe cats and other domestic animals are more emotionally aware than other animals, but if so I don’t think it’s by much, and it might just be because they’re trained to be. Maybe cows and chickens and pigs don’t seem so lovable because they’ve been raised on farms for so long that it’s now built into them that they’re going to die so why even bother caring about anything. Or maybe we’ve just been eating cows, and chickens and pigs for so long that we’ve built it into ourselves to not believe that they could ever be capable of having real thoughts and emotions.

Really it’s my fault for leaving my earbuds and ipod on my bed while I sleep. I wasn’t even listening to it when I fell asleep. Still I like it near me because if I wake up and can’t get back to sleep it’s right there for me to listen to. If my kitty chews through my headset headphones, which I stupidly leave on my bed often but have a much thicker chord, I’ll go crazy. For one I need them for the podcast. But more importantly they’re the only headphones I have left and I need headphones because when I’m emotionally wrecked I need to listen to music very, very loudly and I can’t do that when other people are home unless I have headphones.

What do cats hate? My cats hate fruit for some reason, especially lemons and oranges. From now on I’m smothering all my headphones in lemon juice. Although that presents the fear of me chewing through the chord in my sleep.

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About Danniel

http://closertoclarity.com/
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