#20 Dodging Broken Down Pieces Of Toilet Paper That Nearly Clogg The Fucking Toilet…oh, and satellites.

#20 Rigged And Ready by Northstar

“Raccoon eyed and skin whiter then heaven’s best fighter. I’m thinking she needs me, well do you girl? I guess well see. And I know she’s perfect, a hostage in purple. We’ll tie up our arms with my cancer and your charm.”

I love Northstar’s lyrics. Upon first hearing the band I thought of them as early Taking Back Sunday with more meaningful and poetic lyrics. I don’t really go for poetry, or all the confusion that often times accompanies it, but I dig it here for some reason. I don’t mean to say I hate all poetry, or even that all poetry must be vaguely confusing and deep – those are only my strictest of standards for Dr. Seuss. I’ve liked some poetry, but only when it either connects with me – which makes sense considering I’m a narcissist, “Hey, I can see some of me in that, I love it!” – or if it just sounds good and flows well, and unfortunately I judge most art way too harshly so almost nothing ever seems good to me. But when it does seem good, God damn it is fucking good. I wouldn’t say Northstar’s lyrical poetry particularly connects with me on most levels, so it doesn’t have that going for me, but God damn is it so fucking good.

When I went to the bathroom after waking up after ten hours of sleep, which seems to be my maximum amount of sleep I can get now, which is a good thing – I used to be able to sleep on many, many, many occasions, I’m talking multiple times a week, for 12 or more hours, which is ridiculous, but when you don’t have something to get up for, and getting up is often times accompanied with thinking which usually isn’t good thinking when your life consists of not having much to get up for, you tend to convince yourself to just lay back down in bed for a few more hours rather than get up and perhaps accomplish something and maybe get to a point where you actually look forward to waking up and starting your day, and of course all the ‘you’s’ and ‘your’s’ in this are directed not towards you, but rather to me – I noticed (we’re back to the bathroom situation now) that the little stick thingie that you insert into the toilet paper roll so it can hang off the wall was missing. No toilet paper in sight in the bathroom either. A full unopened bag of toilet paper sitting right outside the bathroom, but of course why would anyone put any of that toilet paper in the bathroom?

It’s a bad sign for my family that my first thought of where the missing toilet paper holder stick is was in the toilet, assuming the person was too lazy, or disgusted, to fish it out. This wasn’t the case luckily, but had it been it would have been because they were too lazy, because judging on how out of hand this place gets we can’t be that disgusted by much, apparently ourselves included.

It wasn’t long before I found the stick. It was near the toilet, and it had the cardboard roll from the toilet paper still around it. This made me really angry because as always the God damn person who used up all the toilet paper not only didn’t put the fucking holder stick back in it’s place with replaced toilet paper, but they went out of their way to remove it and not even take the cardboard roll off and recycle it, of course the recycling bin is a whole 9 steps away in the kitchen so I might as well be asking them to scale Mt. Everest. The lease they could do is throw it away in the garbage can in the bathroom. Of course that might be too hard as well considering at least a few times a day I enter the bathroom and find the toilet nearly clogged with toilet paper. It’s only nearly clogged so the person could easily flush it down, but again that would take effort, and God forbid any of that be found in this household, myself included. It’s not like the person took a major dump and nearly clogged the toilet. The water surrounding the toilet paper is pristine, drinkable if I say so myself. And while you may scoff in disgust just think about what they drink in third world countries. I’ll take that crystal clear toilet water any day of the week over a ten foot puddle that doubles as a well. Which gets me to water conservation.

I don’t mind not flushing the toilet in certain situations. I’m one of highest contributors to the if it’s yellow let it mellow movement. But I don’t like seeing a pound of toilet paper just sitting in the toilet when I go in there. And like I said, this isn’t shitty water and the after effect of a monster dump. This is just soggy toilet paper in clear water. What the fuck was that person doing with all that toilet paper? Were they blowing their nose? If they were just throw the toilet paper in the trash. And again, no need to pack your sleeping bag and tent in preparation for the seemingly four day hike to the kitchen. There’s a trash bin in the bathroom. And also why is this person using more toilet paper to blow their nose than John Goodman would need to wipe his ass after a trip to Tijuana? I know people get under the weather and get runny noses, but it doesn’t happen three times a day every day for the past as long as I can remember.

My mother is going senile. I think things get a little messy and it takes her a furlong of toilet paper to dry off her vaginal area after peeing. First of all that’s a disgusting image and I wish I never said it. And secondly, girls wipe off that area after peeing, right? If so that makes all the pussies I’ve eaten out way less satisfying (that sentence is funny because it’s in no way true, seriously, like there’s no truth in that sentence at all).

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About Danniel

http://closertoclarity.com/
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