Scarlett Johansson is one of the most beautiful women in the world (according to a 2010 poll comprised of three billion men’s penises). I would love to, and often do, imagine having passionate sexual intercourse with her and her boobies. But then what? As we lay there (in imagination), sheets and blankets strewn about, sweat dripping down our naked bodies – except for some reason she has long socks on – our hearts pounding solely from the thrill of lust (and a little to do with the cardiovascular exercise sex can provide), what do we do next? What do I talk about with a Scarlett Johansson? Does she condescend down to my stupidity level just to progress a conversation? Perhaps if I were normal the fantasy would end and I’d pull up my pants and dispose of the tissues discreetly in the toilet. But I don’t want the fantasy to end. The sex was just foreplay to emotional connection I so long for to the point of fantasization (?). After the sex is where the real pleasure begins. After the sex is where I pull out of Scarlett Johansson and pull out Riki Lindhome for some conversation and cuddles.
I realize that seems like a put down towards Riki Lindhome, but let me further explain. First of all Riki Lindhome is an extraordinarily adorable girl, however, the physics of a sexual encounter between me and Riki Lindhome just don’t add up. She’s like five foot eleven and I’m like five foot six, so that’s a five inch difference, so my penis wouldn’t even be able to reach her vagina.
But on a more serious side, I love Riki Lindhome’s personality, and for some reason when I love a girl’s personality and I think about her sexually a lot less. It doesn’t mean I don’t think about them sexually at all. Just not so much in the bone the shit out of Scarlett Johansson kind of way. Don’t get me wrong, if after a few dates Riki Lindhome wanted me to bone the shit out of her I totally would, because I’m a gentleman. The point being that because Riki Lindhome has more qualities than just being a nice piece of ass, I get as much, or more, enjoyment from thinking about going on a picnic, or seeing a comedy show, or making fresh raspberry jam with her as I do thinking about having rough sexual intercourse with her.
But this isn’t supposed to be about my defense of why even though I’ve never once jerked off to the thought of Riki Lindhome, and I’ve jerked off to the thought of Scarlett Johansson (insert number that is far too embarrassing to admit) times, I’d much rather go on a date with Riki Lindhome because her personality is far greater than at least 99% of the population on the planet. This is about me informing you of her new podcast, Making It With Riki Lindhome – or is the “With” supposed to be with a lowercase w?
As awkwardly stated in the previous four paragraphs, I very much enjoy Riki Lindhome. You may know her best from her appearance as Ramona Nowitzki on The Big Bang Theory – by the way, googling “Riki Lindhome Big Bang” is thoroughly disappointing – or as the creepy looking girl with black hair who I guess shows her titties in The Last House On The Left – which I saw part of once when going to Nathan’s house and, spoiler alert, after the rape scene I was like, “Yep, I’ve seen enough, and I’ve decided that anyone who seeks this out for entertainment must be killed,” but that was kind of an unfair judgment, and it’s not like I’m against rape scenes in movies, I’m completely for them when done right, I just thought this one was in poor taste – or perhaps you know her from Garfunkel and Oates which she pairs with the talented Kate Micucci to create dirty yet extremely clever songs, such as I Don’t Understand Job – if you don’t click on that link I will never forgive you, and you know what, you’ll never forgive yourself either – but that’s not what I know her best from – She was also in Million Dollar Baby, but I didn’t think that was important enough to point out.
Doug Loves Movies, Comedy Bang Bang (formerly Comedy Death-Ray), The Kevin Pollack Chat Show, One episode of The Adam Carolla Show in which Doug Benson guest hosted, those are all podcasts where I got to experience Riki Lindhome’s funnily cute, and cutely funny personality. And over the past year she has blossomed, much like Mayim Bialik, into one of my favorite celebrities, along with Alison Rosen and Sienna Miller, who seems a little too famous for the list, but oh well – and yes, if you clicked that link, which you’ll hopefully do at some point otherwise be stricken with cancer…for only a day…you’ll know that I stole that blossom Mayim Bialik thing from Garfunkel and Oates, and if you don’t get it, which I can’t blame you for because I had to look it up to get it, Mayim Bialik was the girl who playbed Blossom in the early 90s hit show, the name of which escapes me, might have been Joey, Whoooa!
Suffice to say, wait is it suffice to say? Either way, something to say, I was extremely excited when hearing the news that Riki Lindhome was getting her own podcast on Chris Hardwick’s Nerdist empire…I mean network, just normal, regular, non trying to take over the world company. The non rigid description of the podcast is Riki Lindhome talks to people in the entertainment field about making it in Hollywood, and other stuff of course.
The first episode featured the very likable Jason Ritter, most famous for his role in the Hilary Duff classic Raise Your Voice. He’s also been in a lot of other things, like one of my friends Christopher’s favorites Joan Of Arcadia. Or you could check out the movie Good Dick, which I would be completely fine with if those were the only two words my girlfriend had to describe me. The conversation in the podcast is enjoyable, as Ritter tells of his childhood and how his family’s fame influenced his career choice, and wisened (like got him more wise?) him to study acting and complete college rather than just trying to ride his name into the industry. He talks of ups and downs and bad auditions, all the while Riki Lindhome doing a wonderful job not just as an interviewer but as a participant in the conversation. It felt like I was listening to two friends having a conversation, not one person probing another person for information, which when done lacks enthusiasm and doesn’t allow for there to be a feel to the conversation.
I got my hopes up for this podcast and as of the first episode I have not been let down. I encourage you to give it a listen. If you haven’t given podcasts a try they aren’t as difficult to download as they might sound. It’s the same as downloading music, and it’s put onto your listening device the same way, so there shouldn’t be as huge a disconnect from downloading music and downloading podcasts. As of right now almost all podcasts are free, and you can find one on pretty much any topic you’d like. So give podcasts a try. They’re great for working out, or doing choirs around the house, or just if you want to be entertained. And you’d be surprised at how many celebrities you might love have actually done a podcast.
I would wish Riki Lindhome a substantial amount luck towards her podcasts endeavors, but she has enough talent to where luck won’t have to play a roll. I hope you give Riki Lindhome a chance, and I sincerely hope to God that you clicked on that link to the I Don’t Understand Job song, otherwise there will be massive amounts of hell to pay. Well not really. But still.