#33 Heaven Here by Dashboard Confessional
The year was 2006. The month was June or July. The day was somewhere between the 1st and the 31st and Monday and Sunday. The month could have actually been August. None of these specifics matter in any way to the story. Nor is it even a story. I had just graduated high school with a 2.06 GPA. My community college GPA was considerably higher than that, so ironic in a sense that I was nowhere near graduating college. Again, this information isn’t pertinent to the story. Again, this isn’t a story.
I threw my shit in the back of Tony’s trunk. That isn’t gay slang, but it should be. I don’t remember what kind of car it was, but he was Asian (and might even still be), and Honda jumps to the forefront of my head. Also it wasn’t literal shit I threw in his trunk. It was a few of my belongings. The belongings that I would be bringing on our short trip. Our short trip to a city. Sin city (Seattle isn’t known as sin city) but technically there is sin there, right?
I hopped in the passengers seat. Not really in it, but more so gently sat my ass upon it. We went to pick up Christopher. Yes, the very same Christopher I have mentioned numerous times before. The one that doesn’t go by Christopher ever, but just the shortened Chris, although once in high school he joked about always wanting to go by Topher until Topher Grace from That 70s Show (and ruining Venom) fame became a star, and in Christopher’s true hipster fashion (except for he’s not a hipster) he now declared that Topher was too popular and therefore only those who sell their soul to the devil would go by such a cliché title.
After we acquired Christopher’s presence we had to get the girls in the car. And once Christopher lifted his balls (the girls) into the vehicle we were off to get Ivy and that other chick (Sara). I can’t recall why Tony had invited them to what was supposed to be our boy’s alone time (having boy’s alone time was never the plan). Maybe it’s because we had two extra tickets? Maybe it’s because he enjoys their friendship and company? Or maybe he just wanted to bone the bejesus out of them (that wasn’t the case…at least it was never stated out loud). They weren’t even familiar with the band, but even though me and Ivy have never had a conversation without me awkwardly thinking about the time she sat in front of me in English class freshmen year and on many occasions I could see her thong, and this would be the day Sara would learn to hate my guts, I still really enjoyed the fact that they came along, just for the oddity of it all – a little more than four years after this trip took place where my sarcastic attitude was not taken lightly by Sara I saw her at a party where upon leaving she gave me the rest of her sour skittles which were totally awesome so she’ll forever be entrenched in my heart for that act alone.
When we got to Seattle my breath was taken away. I remember thinking, “Damn, I wish I had remembered to pack my inhaler.” As I wrote that line I remember thinking, “damn, I wish my jokes weren’t so hacky.” We drove to the motel and unpacked our shit. Later that night Tony and Christopher would be sharing more than just a bed, while despite all my hopes and prayers Ivy and Sara did nothing but sleep in their shared bed, while I stayed up an hour or two later than everyone lying on the floor watching Sports Center or ESPNnews on repeat, I can’t remember which. Oh, the whole Tony and Christopher sharing more than just a bed thing meant they also shared a blanket.
The day we arrived in Seattle Sara and Ivy went shopping. Tony, Christopher and I actually made them do it to further propagate the stereotype of women loving to shop. Meanwhile Christopher, I and Tony ate steak, smoked cigars and philandered on our women. Actually we just sat in line waiting for the concert so we could be up close. During this time one of the funniest moments of my life occurred. You’ll hate this moment. First of all I set the expectations way too high by saying it’s one of the funniest moments of my life, and with you reading this we can safely assume that you know me and some of my life and are aware that my life is made up of nothing but funny and depressing moments, the depressing of which are almost funnier than the funny moments. But now I’m telling you that you won’t find it that funny. You might not even find it funny at all. So I’m setting the expectations low now. But even with setting them low you’ll still be vastly disappointed. I can’t wait for you to hear it just to be disappointed.
So we were sitting there up against the wall of the building, and I think Tony was napping, and Christopher and I were just talking or something when all of the sudden three pretty God damn fucking hot as hell girls dressed to the 8s – that’s slightly lower than dressed to the 9s, right? – start walking down the sidewalk. They continue to walk pass us and as they do one of them sees this action figure character on that ground and says, “Hey look, it’s Skeletor from He-Man.”
Now before I continue writing let’s wait for the sound of crickets to die down.
First of all it may not have been Skeletor, in fact I think it was a more obscure character from He-Man, but nonetheless even if that incredibly hot chick could indentify a Skeletor action figure while walking down the sidewalk that’s pretty fucking random. It’s gotta be a nerd’s ultimate dream. And let’s not forget to mention that she wasn’t alone or even with two way less attractive chicks. She was with two other super hotties. Wasn’t she worried about being judged by her friends for knowing this silly cartoon character?
So maybe in the realm of comedy it’s not that funny. But as a thing happening in life what are the fucking chances of ever seeing a chick as hot as that chick being able to identify that character while walking down the sidewalk? The chances are impossible. It’s not ever going to happen. The chances of the daughter of a lawyer who helped get an obviously guilty ex-football player turned actor off the hook for murder releasing a sex tape and then getting her own reality show and being worth more than $50 million a year is more likely than that….actually that’s pretty impossible too.
So ultimately we saw Dashboard Confessional in concert and it was awesome and they played this song and it was awesome and if Christopher didn’t have a girl friend I would mention how it was super crowded so the whole time Ivy’s butt was pressed up against Christopher and that was awesome, except he has a girlfriend now and I don’t think she wants to hear about that and frankly even that is awesome and this whole life thing is just awesome…except for being so God damn far from every one I’ve ever wanted to be with. That’s not awesome. But the masturbating I’m going to do after posting this, now that’s going to be…disgusting. But disgusting can be awesome, right? Actually I’ll probably just nap. And napping is definitely awesome.