Construction Paper Would Save My Family Hundreds Of Dollars

I complain about this a lot, but I don’t care, so I hope you’re prepared to hear me complain about it some more. My family uses too God damn much toilet paper.

My outrage was prompted once again when last week my mother came home with two things of 12 pack double roll toilet paper, and two nights later after helping her with work, which somehow included me watching Thor for free, I found myself at the store hearing her proclaim, “We need more toilet paper, we’re almost out.” Actually that’s sort of a lie. I would hope the reader would be thinking, “Well duh that’s a lie, no family could go through 24 double rolls of toilet in two days.” That’s not the part I was lying about. I was lying in the sense that my outrage actually begun the night before that when after just one night of having toilet paper I noticed the toilet paper dispenser empty with nothing but that annoying cardboard cylinder with not a single sheet of toilet paper left on it – I’ll get back to this annoying thing in a second – and when I went to put a fresh roll of toilet paper in the dispenser I noticed the first 12 pack of double roll toilet paper had been completely used, in one single day.

At that moment my first assumption was that the entire family had just been holding in their shits for the past two weeks, and then once the new toilet paper came in they all just went to town in Niagara Falls type fashion on the toilet. And in a clean up job that should have involved a fire hose they instead each used two double rolls of toilet paper. But no, because the next day the second 12 pack went almost as fast. It’s really fascinating actually. If I were in college I would write my thesis paper on my family and toilet paper, no matter what my major was. But off to the empty toilet paper dispenser topic,

  It’s so fucking annoying. Like three to five times a day when I go to the bathroom the dispenser is bare of all but that God damn cardboard cylinder. And then I change it every single time, even though 90% of the time I didn’t even intend to use toilet paper when I entered the bathroom, which is weird because 30% of those times I went in the bathroom to poop. It’s the same thing as those people who leave the empty carton of milk in the fridge, or worse, seven tenths of an ounce of milk. When I see that cardboard cylinder with just two sheets of ragged toilet paper on it, that have apparently been super glued to the cardboard because they never come off without ripping, I want to go crazy. What mother fucker uses a certain amount of toilet paper and then leaves two crappy sheets for the next person, thinking somehow that will be enough for whatever the next person does? Apparently this mother fucker is my family member (well if it’s the step father at least “mother fucker” isn’t a put down) if it’s my step father “mother fucker” was used very ironically, if you catch my drift. In any case, I want these people to stop being so lazy and just replace the God damn toilet paper when it needs to be replaced. Seriously? Seriously!? What does it say about your effort in life if you’re too God damn lazy to replace the toilet paper roll? When I become a boss, which isn’t going to happen because I can’t even get a job, there will be no looking at resumes or interviews, just a lie detector and one question, “Do you replace the toilet paper roll when it’s bare of all sheets and/or down to the final crappy sheets?” If that person says no or says yes but it turns out they’re lying, then I can’t even trust them to have the effort to greet costumers.

I've lost count of all the many times I've dreamed of wiping my ass with a puppy.

So I was looking at the toilet paper when I was at the store with my mother, and it’s surprisingly expensive considering its life purpose is to clean remaining shit from human asses. Toilet paper is ruler in my household, so we go with the decent stuff most of the time. Even though apparently a large portion of my family’s life involves toilet paper we’re still too cheap and poor to spring for the highest quality stuff. The toilet paper my mother got was 24 double rolls for basically ten dollars (basically meaning 1 cent cheaper). I decided to do some basic math.

I’m being generous and saying that my family will only purchase 48 double rolls of toilet paper per weeks, at ten dollars per 24 double rolls. There’s ample evidence to suggest my family goes through more (or a lot more) toilet paper than that in a week, but I’d rather be low on my estimates than high, because the higher I am the more crazy the result may drive me. So that’s 20 dollars a week on toilet paper. There are 52 weeks in a year. I remember that because I just googled it. So $20 times 52 weeks equals 1,040 dollars on toilet paper.

No, that can’t be right. We can’t possibly spend more than 1,000 dollars on toilet paper. That would be insane. That’s insane! 1,000 dollars. We’re technically poor for fuck’s sake. We can’t afford to spend 1,000 dollars on toilet paper.

To add to it I did the math, assuming I use two double rolls of toilet paper a week, which is about twice as much as I really use (remember, double rolls) and in a seven person household of that $1,040 I take up just over 40 dollars of it. So here’s the good news my completely wasteful family, if I wasn’t here you’d be spending way, way, way under $1,000 dollars on toilet paper. I’m talking about $995, possibly $990, that’s something to be proud of.

In case you’re curious, according to these numbers my family uses 2,496 rolls of double roll toilet papers, which is just under 5,000 rolls (4,992) of single roll toilet paper. I realize my house is full of liberals, including myself, but my family really needs to learn how to wipe their asses more conservatively. Just to keep in mind how wasteful my family is, the total amount of toilet paper my family uses could be used to wipe the asses of four third world countries.

About Danniel
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7 Responses to Construction Paper Would Save My Family Hundreds Of Dollars

  1. ninjapoptart says:

    Amen, brother. You should print this out and leave it in the bathroom so they have something interesting to read while they take one of their (apparently) numerous craps.

    • Danniel says:

      I once got annoyed with my friend and my cousin and brothers coming in my room and making a mess and leaving dirty cups and plates in my room so I wrote a list of no-nos and put it on my door. It didn’t go over well.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Maybe it’s not your whole family. Maybe your little sister just regularly takes mega dumps.

  3. Emily says:

    Good gracious! We’re definitely the opposite in my house, but we’re dirt-poor and there are only two of us. How many people are in your family?!

    But maybe! Maybe it isn’t that your family is wasteful. Maybe you just don’t realize that your mom’s sneaking out every night and toilet-papering someone’s house.

  4. I once had to call a meeting with flatmates to discuss the best way to wipe ones bum without using all the paper and making me poor – it felt like i was being pretty lame though. Maybe your family has someone who uses the uber-wasteful ‘wrap about eight to ten squares around your hand and then use that folded super-thick piece to wipe’ technique, that was our problem.

    two square scrunch n’ wipers fo’ life! represent! *throws gang sign”

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