Every word you read I wrote praying to God that you would read, but I swear to God I never meant to make you cry. You hurt me and I wanted you to know it. It was hard hearing about you dating all those guys, one after another never treating you the way I knew you deserved to be treated. I wanted you to know that I still wanted to be with you. That I still wanted the chance to treat you amazingly, and prove to you that the love you dreamed of does exist. That being said, I’d take back every single word I wrote if I could take back those tears I caused to fall down your cheeks.
You think I’m going to disagree with you. You think I’m going to say you’re wrong. Well I do disagree with you, and I do think you’re wrong. You’re wrong in saying that I deserve better than you. You deserve better than me. I know you know this deep down. Every guy who meets you wants to be with you. I know you doubt this because things haven’t worked out with guys, and that’s just because you haven’t met the right one. It takes a lot to love you, and you can blame yourself for that. You’re too beautiful, too smart, too clever. There’s not a second when I’m not intimidated by you, and I would bet it’s the same with the guys you date. Guys inherently want to be the center of attention in the relationship, but with you they can’t be. The spotlight is always on you. People will always wonder, ‘how did that guy get her?’ I don’t know how anyone can have a conversation with you without feeling dumb. You should go to Harvard just to put those silverspoon assholes in their place. The point is that all of this goes against what guys inherently want, so they subconsciously sabotage the situation. That’s not to say that this is going to happen with every guy. You need someone special. You deserve someone special. You’ll find someone special.
I’ve never been in a relationship in my entire life. I’ve never been on a date in my entire life. There’s a reason everyone wants to date you and so few want to date me. You’re fucking amazing in so many ways it’s crazy and I only do one thing well – I’m about to talk about myself because this is about me too. I can make girls feel good about themselves. It’s the only good quality I have and I don’t know how I developed it. I identify all the great things about a girl and then I let that girl know she has those great qualities. Unfortunately this means I can only really be with amazing girls because girls only like me when I compliment them a lot and I only compliment them a lot when they have a lot of great qualities, whether it be their looks, their smarts, their humor, or whatever it is they do so well. I say unfortunately because amazing girls of course have better options than me, which is why I’ve been single my whole life. I got you to like me because I was relentless in my sweetness to you because you gave me so many reasons to be sweet. I know girls will say that’s enough, but I question that often. I’m not good looking. I don’t have money. I don’t have a lot of things girls want in a guy. This isn’t me hating on myself. This is me telling the truth.
So it’s not that I’m too good for you. You’re too good for me and everyone in the world would agree with that. My friends assumed you were fake because of the comments you left on my myspace page so long ago. That isn’t fucked up. What’s fucked up is me always wondering how you could ever like me that much, and then taking it to a new level and actually questioning it, falling asleep most nights wondering and waiting for you to find someone new and leave me. But I don’t think I was just filler for you while you were waiting for someone better. I believe you loved me as much as you said you did. Just another great quality about you. You never gave a fuck how I looked when every day guys with six packs and chiseled jaws would give their left ball to sleep with you. You never gave a fuck that I was a loser who saw no potential in himself. You saw potential in me and that meant…that still means a lot to me.
I’m going to let you let me go. It’s not that I’m tired of fighting. I am tired of you dating a bunch of assholes. I’m going to stop watching you so much. I’m going to stop using facebook so much. It is creepy of me, and not creepy in the way you would call me that always made me blush. I spent more time caring about your life than mine. I was always happy for you when you were happy with another guy but sad for me. Then whenever it ended badly with you and a guy I would be sad too. I really care about you and your happiness, and that’s part of knowing you’re right.
You gave a couple of reasons for this that I don’t agree with but that I have my reasons for not arguing more strongly about. If they mean that much to you it’s not fair that I would try to make this work and put that burden on you. I believed I could make you happier than everyone ever possibly could, but now knowing what you told me I question it. I know your family and your friends mean a lot to you, and my friends are important to me, even though they’ve gave me the same lecture about us you say your friends would give you, and most of my family can go suck on a giant dick for all I care but there are some I love and would hate to have belittle me, so I don’t want to put any stress on the relationships and love you have with your friends and family. I can’t live with myself if I did that. Yes, I’m an insanely jealous guy with the distance between us, and I’d probably still be somewhat jealous even if we were near each other, but I’m not crazy enough to ever want you to love me more than your family. I know how much your family and tradition means to you, and because of that I know I’m no longer the person who can make you the happiest you’ll ever be.
You say you can’t love me the way I want to be loved. You’ve loved me more than I’ve ever expected to be loved, and I know that you’ll love someone the way you never thought you would again someday. Yes, as I said before it’s hard for you to find a good guy. It’s hard for any girl to find a good guy but it’s going to be especially hard for you. The difference is you have your pick of literally every fucking guy on this planet. The only guys who don’t want you are the ones sucking dick, and even they want to be your best friend so they can watch the hottest guys in the world hit on you and then jerk off to the display later in the shower. You’re going to go through a lot of shit heads, and it may take a little while, but it always does for something that great. You’re going to be all over the place and you’re going to meet a lot of guys. You’re going to find a guy way smarter, way hotter, and even more funny than I am. He won’t be sweeter than me, God damn it I maintain no one will ever be sweeter than I can be, but he’ll make up for it in other ways. You’ll be happy. You’ll be happier than you ever thought you’d be. I promise you.
That doesn’t mean I’m giving up on you. I’m going to try my hardest to become the person I want to be, and I’m going to use you to do it because I doubt I’ll ever find greater motivation, and sadly I can’t do it for myself. I know you tell me that part of the problem is that so many things I do I do for you. I don’t know where I’d be without you. I wanted to write more for my myspace blog just so I could receive comments from you because they felt so good. No one had ever told me the things you told me. I knew I wanted to be funny but I didn’t know I was funny. I knew I wanted to write but I didn’t know anyone would like it. I didn’t know I could do it until you. And now there’s no going back. I want to write. I want to make people laugh. I want to become something. I want to become something for you, but that’s not all of it. Even when you do meet that guy who will make you incredibly happy – and I won’t try to ruin that because I only care about your happiness – I still want to continue to write, and try make people laugh, and try to be meaningful, and fucking try to be something, and when I do, because God damn it I’m going to be something, I want you to see, and I hope you know that you played a part in it, and I want you to know you’re the reason I’m happy ten or twenty years from now.