Bedtime Thoughts 17 Free My Willy Five: Your Face, Meet My Sperm….Whale. Also I’m Going To Jizz On Your Face.

I’ve gone back to feeling like a huge loser. Sometimes when a girl likes me I don’t feel so much like a loser. Particularly when a girl I like likes me because when I like a girl that girl is amazing and if an amazing girl likes me that means I can’t be that huge of a loser because if I was she wouldn’t like me. But then I start thinking (this is bad) and I wonder if perhaps she doesn’t realize how much of a loser I actually am? And then I want to work hard and start getting my life together before she realizes how amazing she is and how much better than me she can do. Although it’s less about her realizing that she can do better and more about me becoming the man she really deserves, instead of the man I am now, which I’m pretty sure no woman deserves the punishment of (harsh) I know, worse than torture for her (I meant on yourself) oh.

People often wonder why I’m so down on myself. Part of the reason is because I grew up hating arrogant people. Another reason is because I like being modest. Perhaps ashamedly because the more modest a person is often times the more compliments the person will receive, and as a person who doesn’t receive many compliments I’d like all the compliments I can get – think about it, do you really ever care to give a compliment to a person who spends most of their time complimenting their self? Although, and this goes against what I just said about being modest to receive more compliments, I’m also modest because I don’t really know how to handle compliments, partially because I don’t get many, but also because often times I don’t really think I deserve them, which leads me to the main reason I’m so down on myself. I always believe I can do better.

This is a form of narcissism. I don’t want to be perfect. I know there’s no such thing as being perfect. I just want to be the best. I won’t allow myself to be satisfied. And it’s not like that’s a thing I tell myself to try and get the most out of me. It’s an ingrained function in my brain that I have yet to learn how to control. Everything I do I always think I can do better. I can’t think of one thing I’ve ever done my best on. I’m proud of a few things I’ve done, but at the same time I fully think I could have done much better.

This is a horrible way of thinking. I’ll never be satisfied with myself because the whole concept behind it is that I can always do better. I don’t know where someone with as much loathing for their self as me got it in their head that they could actually attain greatness, but somehow that’s how my mind works.

I of course have to accept some limitations. I’m stuck with my penis. I can’t sit and mediate for hours focusing all my will power on growing my penis, trust me, I spent the better part of Junior year algebra trying that. And even though, or rather I say because, I grew up loving sports and girls I only grew to about five foot six inches, which sucks for sports because size is very important in most sports, like the sport of sex, which involves first getting a girl, which becomes harder when no girl wants to date a guy shorter than them. But like I said, I’ve accepted these limitations, and in no way blame them, or the God I don’t believe in, for the reason I’m still a virgin at 23.

What the hell am I writing about? It’s five in the morning and I’m supposed to wake up not too long from now and get shit ready for tomorrow.

My friend is moving to Seattle, which isn’t terribly far from here and we don’t hang out that much anyway so it’s really not that huge of a deal but we have to make a big deal out of it because he’s the first one of us in our little nerd group to move on with life. I’m kind of happy it’s Seattle he’s moving to. I look forward to going up there with David and possibly Quy and dragging Chris’s ass up there a couple times a year. I love that city. Not the love that two soulmates would have for each other. But the love a sailor returning from months at sea has for a hooker.

They’ve got sea water up there, so you can ride the fairy boats and often see seals and on rare occasions Killer Whales, also known as Orcas, also known as Willy from Free Willy and Free Willy Two: Didn’t We Already Free Willy Before? and Free Willy Three: Jesus Christ How Does This Whale Keep Getting In These Situations? and Free Willy Four: Okay, I’m Pretty Sure This Whale Has A Death Wish (this blog post took an odd turn). Apparently as the city grew the water got more polluted and the whales don’t show up so often anymore. I would have freaking flipped out if I saw a whale when I was on the fairy boat. I don’t know why, but they just have some weird hold over me.

That looks like a kid who won't get laid until he's 23...or beyond.

I went to Sea World in Orlando when I was like five and we went to see the Killer Whales and I have a picture, which I’ll upload if I can remember, of me next to the tank with the whale behind me and it has always stuck in my head. I had a dream about being in a large body of water with a bunch of whales a couple nights ago. It was freaky. There were so many whales and I was just swimming around with them, which would totally freak me out. I’m scared of big bodies of water. I think it might be because the first nightmare I can remember was of being eaten by a shark. I was on an ice rink and the shark broke through the ice and ate me. It freaked me out so much that I had to go ask my mother if I could sleep with her – insert joke where I either pretend as if this happened just last week or where I pretend I meant sleep in a sexual way, either way I’m too lazy to make the actual joke but you get the jist.

So it’d just be fucking awesome to see a whale in the wild. You know, until now I didn’t even realize that I liked whales the way I apparently do. And guess what, you just made that discovery with me. Well actually I made it now as I lie in bed at 5:09 in the morning on Friday March 19th 2011 and you made it at insert whatever time and day you’re reading this at. Pretty cool to learn something new about myself. Also pretty cool to be kind of sad when I started writing this and now kind of be in a more jovial mood. I can go to bed relatively happy. See, this is why I fucking love writing so much. And especially like this. Well actually like anything because no matter what when I get into a groove it takes my mind off things. But when I write like this and just let it flow and go wherever the fuck it would like to take me it often strays toward the pleasant, and by the end I’m in a better mood.

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About Danniel

http://closertoclarity.com/
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5 Responses to Bedtime Thoughts 17 Free My Willy Five: Your Face, Meet My Sperm….Whale. Also I’m Going To Jizz On Your Face.

  1. kiwikar says:

    One thing to say to this (especially about the first part): I know exactly how you feel. I am not such a great person, pretty average I’d say and quite nerdy for a girl.
    And I am pretty sure you will find a girl who will like you exactly as you are and at the same time this will just make you the person you always wanted to be. I don’t know if that makes sense.. 😀

  2. ninjapoptart says:

    Modesty is an amazing thing. I’ve known a lot of arrogant people (high school is teeming with them) and I’ve wanted to stab every one of them in the face. But (get ready for an “after-school special” bit of advice) you shouldn’t feel like you’re not worth enough for some girl. If she likes you, she has a reason and that’s really all there is to it. If, for whatever reason, she decides she doesn’t like you, fuck it, she wasn’t actually worth it. Don’t get down on yourself, Quentin (your name, right? The “Danniel” always throws me off but I stand by my first instinct that your name is, in fact, Quentin). Okay, I’m off the soap box for now. Toodles.

    Jk, I just wanted an excuse to say “toodles.” I was also/still am afraid of large bodies of water. I have an inexplicable fear of giant squid, even though I know they live at the bottom of the ocean and I’m pretty sure I’ll never have cause enough to go that deep down. Oh, and murky water (alligators and abnormally large fish freak me out). And I guess clear water because of that one creepy picture of someone standing in waist-deep ocean water that was so clear, you could see all the sharks in the area. WAIST-DEEP WATER. Fuck that, I’ll get a pool and put anti-gator gates up. Never mind the fact that I live in Arizona.

    • Danniel says:

      Yes, my name is Quentin, I’m not sure how you remembered that, let alone first learned it, I guess I’ve mentioned it a few times in my posts, but either way I’m impressed you remembered and even more impressed you spelled it correctly.

      That sentence, “Okay, I’m off the soap box for now. Toodles.” made me feel like I was in the 1920s for some reason.

      I keep it modest so when the day comes that I am the shit I don’t get carried away.

      • ninjapoptart says:

        Yeah, you’ve mentioned it elsewhere and I remember it because it reminded me of Quentin Tarantino and it’s a memorable name.

        That’s a good reason for modesty. I think when you are the shit, you should just publish a book with all your blog posts, it’d be a bestseller.

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