So tonight I was watching some pornography. It’s not something I like to admit, but I am in fact a man, so I must watch it on occasion or else my penis will fall off (almost confident that’s not true). There’s this one homemade video I’ve ran across more than a few times over the past couple of years. It’s only about a minute long and not much goes on other than a little oral sex but it’s one of my favorite videos ever. Not just porn videos, but videos of any kind, and that includes videos of dogs chasing their tails. The reason I love it so much is because the girl is so darn adorable.
I know what you’re thinking at this point, “I want some pizza. Should I get Dominos or Pizza Hut? What about Little Caesars? I haven’t had them in a while? Or maybe I should go out and get some gourmet pizza? Give myself a treat for cleaning today. Wait, I didn’t clean today.” And to that I say go with Little Caesars, it’s surprisingly good. And since that’s out of the way you can now wonder why I would find this girl in this homemade porn video so adorable.
Listen, I have nothing against girls who post videos of themselves doing sexual acts on the internet. In fact I admire them because if you think about it they’re 90% of the reason the internet even still exists. I don’t necessarily find it appealing as a quality I’d look for in a girl, and I certainly wouldn’t want there to be any sextapes of a girl I was dating on the internet, but I’m thoroughly convinced 90% of all the homemade sex tapes on the internet have been put up their without the girls consent. I know this because more than half the time the girl either says, “Why are you recording this?” or “I’ll kill you if you put this on the internet.” And I strongly doubt they were doing it for show, or possibly as reverse psychology thinking, “I’ll tell him not to put it on the internet and then he’ll do it just to show me who’s boss and then I’ll get to have people watch me have sex without thinking I’m a whore because they’ll think I didn’t want the tape on the internet.” That’s flawed thinking for so many reasons. Here’s the main reason,
No matter what the situation whenever a guy sees a girl having sex with someone who isn’t them they automatically think she’s a whore. It’s a terribly flawed assumption, but even I do it. It’s a gut reaction like when I see two gay guys kissing and am immediately grossed out. I love gay guys, and I want them to have all the rights everyone else does, and I think they should be able to make out in public all they want, but I can’t help being disgusted when I see it. Just like whenever I see a girl in a homemade porn video I think, “Man she’s a whore.” And later think, “Wait, why is she a whore? People have sex. In fact she’s probably having sex with her boyfriend which isn’t whorish at all.” But there’s this weird pornstar math that goes on in men’s heads. Pornstars are essentially whores, they’re getting paid to have sex. So I think when guys see a girl having sex on video it equates them to pornstars which we view as a whorish profession, but anyway.
I don’t think this girl I find adorable is a whore, or has sex with a bunch of guys. In the video she specifically said, “What are you doing?” (alluding to the camera in her assumed boyfriend’s hands) To which he responded, “Taking pictures.” He then essentially forced his penis back into the girl’s mouth, which I did not find very gentlemanly. A few seconds later the girl got more suspicious, asked to see the camera and very shortly after the video ends, but was not deleted otherwise it would have not ended up on the internet and I would not be typing this right now.
After viewing this video I was first left with the thought of the girl being so damn cute. Annoyingly cute in fact. After running across the video earlier today I exclaimed, “God damn it, why does she have to be so damn cute?” Then I got angry. Not at her being cute, but at there being a video of her going down on this guy on the internet. First of all if I ever run into her in real life it’d be almost impossible for me to date her because I’d always have the image of her sucking some guy off in my head every time we got intimate (not to mention she’d have to agree to the date and she can do much better). I mean I can live with the idea of the girl I’m with having been with other guys, but to actually have a realistic imagine burned in my head would be very hard to deal with. I think I could do it…as long as the guy didn’t have a bigger penis than me. I kid of course. But honestly if I had to I could do it. For the right girl I could do anything. But to get back on note, the real thing that angered me is that incredibly cute girl was with a fucking douche bag.
What the fuck? What the God damn fuck is wrong with a guy when he thinks it’s okay to post of a video of his girlfriend or exgirlfriend sucking him off on the internet? I don’t care if my future girlfriend cheats on me with my fucking dad who I haven’t seen since I was two and writes, “his dick is bigger than yours,” in his jizz on my baby blanket that I still sleep with every night, I still wouldn’t put a video of her sucking me off on the internet to get back at her (What the fuck is wrong with you that you would think of that scenario?) what the fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with me!? Yes, maybe that scenario is a little fucked, and could only come from the mind of somebody who is clearly in need of help, but at least I’m not a fucking douche bag who would try to ruin the life of a girl he once supposedly loved.