#46 The Cuddle Whore

#46 Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional

As soon as I knew this song was making my list I knew exactly what the first sentence I would write about it would be. However I was wrong because the thing you just read ended up being the real first sentence, but I’d like to think this first little paragraph is just a preamble, and the real piece doesn’t start until the next paragraph. Just a few moments ago I went through my head how I wanted to start this and where it might lead, and despite this being an extremely happy, good times song, I warn you this might take a dark turn, but will end with a surprisingly uplifting sentence – uplifting and surprising both only to myself.

I haven’t had my Hands Down moment yet. If you don’t know the song or haven’t listened to it by Hands Down moment I’m referring to the lyrics “Hands down this is the greatest day I can ever remember.” Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of great days. All those times frolicking around in Roslyn Lake, whether with family or friends, were fantastic. It was undoubtedly my favorite place on the planet. But it wasn’t kissing someone I really cared after having a perfect day with her.

The turn for the macabre comes here when I have to once again think about having only kissed three girls in my entire 23 years of life. And that’s not making out with three girls, that’s just kissing. One took place when I was like 7, another at 17 and another a few months back. A one time occurrence with each girl and all with girls I have and had exactly no feelings for. It’s devastating to think about. Not once in my entire life have I ever kissed someone I really cared about. I of course mean other than my mother, but I don’t count kisses on the cheek, so she doesn’t count because we haven’t kissed on the lips in years – that’s a cheap joke that doesn’t make sense given what I had previously stated.

It’s weird, but at the same time makes so much sense, that I crave for this thing that I’ve never had. I’ve never made out with any one, I’ve never had sex, I have however cuddled twice, one time each with two different girls, and it was spectacular.

The cuddle thing makes me think. If it wasn’t for the memories I harbor with this other girl, one of the times I cuddled I guess would be my pussy version of my Hands Down moment. It was very unexpected. Both of the times I cuddled actually were. The first time was with a girl I hadn’t really talked to in a long time and we were never really that close but somehow over the internet she had developed a minor crush on me, so that was very weird. And the second time, to be honest, I had more so expected sex.

She was a girl I cared about a lot, and still do, and it was only the second time we had ever met because she lives in a different city and neither of us drive. The reason I thought we might have sex is because I figured we might both end up drunk (which happened), she had told me before she was really into me sexually (hard to believe but true, at least allegedly), and according to multiple sources – one source being her telling me stories of her past – she was, how do I put this delicately, a major whore. Okay, she wasn’t a major whore or anything, she just had a lot of sex, some occasions just happened to be one night stands, not that that’s whorish or anything.

There are certain traits that women I’m into seem to have in common. One of the odder ones is smoking. The last four girls I have really been into have all been smokers, cigarettes, not weed, although three of the four of them actually do smoke weed rather consistently. But much more on topic, three of these last four girls have all been rather promiscuous, to put it gently – the fourth was a virgin until I fucked up by telling her I couldn’t be with her because I was still hung up on that girl I used to love/ do love, and then to hurt me she went and had sex with some guy her asshole friend set her up with, and it worked, hurt me a lot, still does suck thinking about that, but I deserved it so it’s all good.

It’s weird thinking about that, that many of the girls I’ve liked a lot have had their share of boys who aren’t me do sexual things to them. As a person who has done very few sexual things, roughly about zero but it’s hard to keep exact track, it sucks to think about, but I’m not insane enough, or perhaps too insane, to let it be a deal breaker. I’m assuming I don’t seek out girls who have had their vagina filled with enough penises to fill the state of Rhode Island (cheap joke, nothing more). I’m not going to lie and say the large amount of sexual partners doesn’t bother me, I guess I just figure I can live with it if I really care about the person that much. I don’t know why I’m still talking about this.

So of course me and the girl didn’t have sex that night. I didn’t mind. In a weird, some might call homosexual, kind of way I liked it. I wouldn’t have minded having sex with her at all because she’s absolutely beautiful and I care about her a lot so I know I wouldn’t regret it, but at the same time it would have been weird having sex with someone I was pretty sure I wouldn’t end up with. Well I just mean losing my virginity that way. Once I lose my virginity it’s hookers and coke until the cash runs out. There is some truth to that. In my first cuddle situation I could have easily pressed the issue with this very attractive girl and probably gotten some sex, or at least a blow job I assume. But I settled for the cuddle and just cracked stupid jokes the whole time. I don’t think the me who had had sex before would have necessarily went for sex in that situation, but I think he would have at least really considered it.

The cuddling was amazing. It was surreal even though I had done it once before. I guess it’s the greatest physical feeling I’ve ever had. I was thinking what’s worse, wanting what you’ve never had or wanting what you’ve already had knowing how great it is? I’ve never had the making out and sex, but I’ve had the cuddling. So which do I want more? The making out and sex because it seems so great but I’ve never had it? Or the cuddling which I know how great it is? But I guess that’s not really what I want at all.

The more I think about it even if I had made out with that second cuddle girl, and had sex with her, and cuddled afterwards, I still don’t think it would be my Hands Down moment. Sure I cared about her, but it was after I had fell for that other girl. Everything I’ve wanted to do I’ve wanted to do so badly with that girl I loved/love.

It’s so fucking ridiculous that I fell for some girl I’ve never met in real life because all the greatest moments of my life sound so fucking stupidly like nothing, but I don’t really care. So what if my favorite moments are being crunched up in the corner of my bunkbed because it was the only place I got decent reception as I talked to her late at night while she was a thousand miles away in her parents garage, and seeing her for the first time in motion on her webcam and feeling so ludicrously stupid because I had no idea what to say because her beauty was completely stunning, and her posting this picture on her Facebook of a paper she had typed on her old friends typewriter that said a bunch of stuff and then on the bottom she typed I heart quentin and I felt that she was finally becoming less embarrassed about liking someone far away.

Those aren’t Hands Down moments right? They’re so fucking pathetic compared to what everyone else has. So fucking small in the larger scheme of things. But I love them. They’re special to me. They’re mine alone, and I know that. I know that when she thinks about her absolute favorite moments she’s had they don’t involve me. That’s okay. Everything is all relative, and relatively speaking my favorite moments are small, but I don’t care because there’s not a thing on this planet that could make the happiness they bring me look relatively small.

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About Danniel

http://closertoclarity.com/
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6 Responses to #46 The Cuddle Whore

  1. ninjapoptart says:

    Those are probably some of the best Hands Down moments someone can have and I’m sure there are a lot of people who have never had anything close to it. You need to meet up with this girl, get married, and not have kids because kids suck the life and joy out of everything around them, so you should just get a dog with her instead.

    • Danniel says:

      Aw, that was really sweet…until you got to the part about kids. I don’t share the exact feelings about kids that you have, but I agree for the most part that they suck, and also I think far too many people have having kids at far too young an age. Assuming I find the right girl to have kids with I’d want to have kids, but not for a long while.

  2. First of all, I love Dashboard and I love that song.
    Secondly, what you wrote really touched me. It hard to explain how that made me feel.

    And, when you said “hose aren’t Hands Down moments right? They’re so fucking pathetic compared to what everyone else has. So fucking small in the larger scheme of things. But I love them. They’re special to me. They’re mine alone, and I know that. I know that when she thinks about her absolute favorite moments she’s had they don’t involve me.” That really touched me because I feel that way each and every single day.
    People always say that they think I am in love with my exes but its just that I am the type of person who falls in love with memories.
    Little memories like when me and an ex were laying in bed, he was playing guitar and then we started doing The Itsy Bitsy spider. Yeah, it sounds dumb but that was a perfect memory for me.

    We all have memories that we never want to forget or that we never want to remember.
    Annnnd I have no idea where I am going with this so I will just say that I love what you wrote (:

    • Danniel says:

      Aw, your comment reminds me why I try to write the way I do, and not really aim for being entertaining but just write whatever comes to my mind no matter how cheesy or dorky or loserish it may sound.

      I realize not a lot of people read my writing so when I get comments they mean a lot to me. I still go back and read comments I received when I first started blogging on myspace, and I have specific ones that are my favorite. I can tell this is going to be one of those ones where I read the first sentence of it three years from now and be like, “Oh yeah, this comment. It was so fucking sweet.” It really put a nice big smile on my face. Like it’s hard to explain how much I really loved the comment. And probably embarrassing to say how much I love it. I’ve read it probably like 8 times now. Anyway thank you.

  3. Pingback: I Can Only Think Of 46 Other Times When I’ve Been More Disappointed In A Pornstar « CloserToClarity

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