This song is meaningful to me in that its title reminds me of that girl I used to love. I’m not entirely sure why it reminds me of her, but on a completely unrelated topic her birthday happens to be on February 15th. I had been listening to this song for about a year before I realized the commonality. What’s weirder is that certain lines of the song like, “I’m sorry for the phone call and needing you,” had made me think of her before the titled had forever entrenched my mind with memories of her every time I hear the song.
Originally this post was going to be all about her, and the crazy things I had planned on doing for her birthday, which I never got to do because every time her birthday came around we were always in a not entirely talking to each other mode, but I’m desperately trying to not make her such a big part of my life, which so far I’ve desperately failed at doing, which is no fault of her (there should be a ‘which’ count going).
At one point I was going to write her a message on Facebook, which (4) has become our only form of communication, or rather my way of talking to her no longer expecting her to respond, explaining to her that I’m sorry for everything I did and harboring the grudges I’ve continued to harbor for so long, and then I was going to stop writing about her and making the dumb jokes I do about what happened between us, which (5) aren’t entirely jokes, which (6) I’m sure you and her – if she ever read any of this – are fully aware weren’t entirely jokes concerning the way I felt and feel about the situation.
I’ve toggled back and forth many times between writing her that note and then forever not writing about her, but I can’t do the latter ever I think. It’s just a part of me. Maybe one day I can get rid of all the grudges I have. In fact I’m pretty sure if I were to be with another girl I love I could throw all that behind me. I could stop blaming myself for ruining my chances with who I once considered to be the finest female specimen to ever walk this planet, Riki Lindhome excluded.
Akin to that thought, I was listening to the Adam Carolla show today and this girl was on (Donna Antebi) and they were talking about men who cheat and I was thinking about how I really don’t think I could be one of those guys. Of course I’m young and with age and spite I’m sure I’ll change, hopefully not. But it’s not really a principal thing for me. I don’t not want to cheat because it’s bad and it will hurt the person who I assumedly love or at least loved – although that certainly helps me not want to cheat even more – but when I’m with a girl I really don’t think about being with other girls and wishing I could have a night with Scarlett Johansson or whatever starlet’s hot at the moment, granted I’ve never really “been” with a girl. I’m sure I’d be taking the quickest lay I could find out of the house with all the constant nagging and talk of Oprah the wife is doing, right fellas? I’m kidding.
When I was in at my emotional fullest with that girl I loved and fully expected us to one day get married I didn’t think about all the girls I wouldn’t get to sleep with even though I was so very young and had never had sex. I prepared to go through this life having only slept with one girl. Unfortunately now I’m starting to worry if I’ll even get to the one. It’s not that I don’t want to be one of those guys who tells all his buddies about all the notches on his bedpost and crazy sexual stories he has. It’s that I’m not one of those guys. Conversely I wouldn’t even take pride in the fact that I was loyal and only with one girl. I don’t care about that. I just have this chip in my brain that makes me want to find the one girl I can love most and then spend my entire life creating beautiful memories with her – I’m pretty sure the chip in my brain was just a metaphor, but also the chip is designed to make me think that. It sucks in a lot of ways because I am very afraid of getting in a relationship with a person and then having it end. I’m not a ‘plenty of other fish in the sea’ type person. I’m a ‘leave me alone for a week on the floor with a bottle of Jager and Bright Eyes playing’ kind of guy, which (7) brings me back to the song.
I was going to talk about Valentine’s Day but I guess I had other things going through my mind. I do want to make mention that one thing I like about it is it’s a third day of the year (with Christmas and Birthdays) where all those douche bag boyfriends have to at least attempt to do something to make their girlfriend happy. I would much prefer if those douche bags would do things like that on regular occasions, but of course then they’d lose their oh-so-important douche bag status. Or even better, perhaps those girls could dump their douche bag boyfriends and realize they can do so much better. There are few things in this world more sad than when a sweet girl is with an asshole guy. I’ve seen it a lot and the joke reason behind it is he’s got a huge cock, and the not so funny reason behind it is daddy issues.
Lastly, I forgot to mention a couple paragraphs up, but when I like a girl, like really like a girl and it’s pretty obvious that she likes me back, my masturbation numbers go way down. I’ll go whole weeks without jerking off, which (8) is the equivalent of Charlie Sheen going two weeks without coke and a hooker (cheap joke). There are two reasonings behind this. One is that I use masturbation as a distraction from stress and depression. But when I’m in like with a girl I’m happy so there’s not much need for it. And two, and this is more along the lines of what I was saying about myself earlier, when I really like a girl other girls just don’t seem so appealing anymore, even sexually. Although semi-recently things have gotten complicated with me liking multiple girls and not knowing which (9) one I really like best. And it sucks even worse because it’s still hard to think about being with any of them because I of course still love that girl I used to love.