This song means a little bit of something to me. I should be more specific, and so I shall, although it might take us down a dark path I think I wrote a little about around six or eight months ago when the occurrence initially took place.
I often talk about that girl I used to love. I talk about her so much that many of you probably think I still love her (he does) and who can blame me? (I can). Well it was off and on with us, sort of (long distance thingie, confused on actual specifications), and then we had made an agreement that when she finished high school – she wasn’t under 18, she had been held back a year because her credits didn’t transfer when she came back over from her home country – and got settled in with college and a job I could move down there, or at least that was my understanding. Apparently her understanding was that she’d tell me that to get my hopes up, but then she’d meet a guy with a dick closer in proximity to her and she’d start dating him without even telling me. Well thank God for Facebook because after a week of not talking to her and her not returning my texts I found out about the situation, and I remember it exactly.
She had posted some lovey dovey song and wrote about how good she was feeling and how she couldn’t stop smiling thinking about her new crush. At first my heart was in such denial that I actually thought she was talking about me. Then reality set in and I realized it wasn’t me she was talking about (damn you reality!). It was on a school morning. I had just gotten out of the shower, which is generally the happiest moment of my day. I started laughing. I seriously started laughing. I laughed all the way to school. Smiling and laughing like a complete doofus, because that’s how I felt. I felt stupid, but rather than get down on myself like I always do I just started laughing at how stupid I was (because that’s not getting down on one’s self?). I knew later I would get sad, and I of course did, but in that moment all I wanted to do was laugh. I wanted to go to school, come back home, then tell my friend about how it happened again, and then have us all laugh at how stupid I could be.
This probably sounds sad, me laughing at myself and all, but really it’s me taking control of the situation. I can handle laughing at myself, even if it’s because I did something extremely stupid. What I can’t handle is being sad. I don’t condone, or even like, people who go through life acting stupid and then laughing it off, but every once in a while I need it. I didn’t want to stay home from school, lying in bed, listening to sad music trying my hardest not to cry. I just wanted to pretend I was a stupid character in a sitcom who never learns from his mistakes, because essentially that’s what I was, and apparently what I still am.
I eventually talked to her again, like I always do. I’m no good at expelling people from my life. I develop a genuine care for people, and once it’s there it’s very hard to get rid of. Hell, I even get sad when some bloggers I follow stop blogging, which a couple of have and I’m hoping they someday come back. Despite that there are just a few people in my life who I can’t imagine living a life without knowing. She is one of them. I now realize we won’t be together, even though I still not-so-secretly want to be with her. And I try my hardest to move on, and imagine being with someone else, which I think I’ve gotten better at. But even though I can’t be with her, I still want to know what goes on with her. I don’t harbor many grudges, except towards all women for keeping me a virgin for so long (joke). I want her to be happy. It’s still hard for me to say I want her to be happy with another guy, but I think once it happens I’ll be okay with it. I mean once it happens and I have ten years to get used to it and I force three bottles of Xanax down my throat I’ll be okay with it. But nonetheless I love her and I admire the work she does in the field or art/writing, and I hope that someday if we can’t be together we can find a way to be friends.
So we got to talking and she has deep seeded emotional problems that I’m not going to get into that cause her to do the things she does, unless she lied to me and really she’s a robot design by that Jason kid I beat up a few times in elementary school back when I was an asshole and his way of getting back at me is creating a girl for me to fall for but her only protocol is to do nothing but lure me in and then continually break my heart – touché Jason. And she explained to me how she liked me better than the guy she was with but the distance compounded with her desire to constantly be needed by a new guy made her not be able to resist dating this guy. As time goes on I feel less and less like she really liked me and this makes me sad, even now as I write this I felt a pang in my heart thinking about it, but it sort of helps me try and get over her.
She then went on to say, what I think she thought would make me feel better, that this guy reminded her a lot of me. This of course made me feel horrible. For one I thought I was special. The thought of me not being special, which I realize it the truth, has very much to do with why I’m depressed so often. So in that moment I was like, ‘fuck, she found a younger, hotter, closer, version of me.’ I even made the joke to her, “Great, so he’s me but younger and hotter.” To which she respond with lol or lmao which I took to mean, ‘yep.’
If you’ve listened to the song you’ve might have figured out why I’m telling you what I have told you. Despite all she’s done to me I still believe her when she says things like she still wants to be with me deep down, so “he’s like a less cute version of you, but he’ll have to do,” made me smile, for just a moment, then I realized they’re just song lyrics, and I was jealous, because I wanted to be the “he’ll have to do,” and that’s just sad.