#59 You Know How I Do by Taking Back Sunday

This is one of my favorite titles for a song solely for the fact that I love saying it. Like my mom will walk into the kitchen seeing me make food and be like, ‘Why are you making a peanut butter and syrup sandwich with waffles?” And my simple response will be, “You know how I do.” And it’s the end all be all of discussions. Anytime someone questions what you’re doing just be like, ‘you know how I do.’ Although it doesn’t work so well when the police are questioning why you were jerking off in the theater while watching Yogi Bear in 3D.

It was Peewee Herman who got in trouble for jerking off in a movie theater (Paul Reubens actually) I guess it would have been extra weird if he had went dressed as Peewee Herman. I argue it would have been so surreal to the point that everyone would have simultaneously thought they were just imagining it, even after he finished his business, I can only hope into a bucket of popcorn.

I was doing some light investigating into this Peewee Herman matter – by light I mean I read less than 20 words of three different articles – and from what I can gather it turns out he was jerking it in an adult movie theater. You can’t jerk off in an adult movie theater? What is the world coming to? Or perhaps the better question is what isn’t the world cuming to? (Lame joke). I don’t want Peewee Herman (it’s Paul Reubens) arrested for jerking off in an adult movie theater. I want the people in the theater who aren’t jerking off arrested. I know it sounds in jest, but I’m semi-serious.

I use porn for two things and only two things. The obvious of the things is as a tool for helping achieve success in the field of masturbation. The even more obvious of things is to shame my penis. Kind of like how a mother shames her kid by talking about how great of students her nieces and nephews are. Or did your mothers not do that?

The point is that I don’t trust people who enjoy porn as they would enjoy any other kind of entertainment, excluding stripping which I include as extra soft core pornography. Why in the world would I want to watch something that’s going to arouse me sexually when I’m in a situation that I can’t relieve myself of that arousal? I can only assume that with strippers every guy imagines that one day one of them with be attracted to them and sleep with them, or at least jerk them off in the alleyway. I hope to God they don’t go knowing they’re going to spend a couple hours throwing their money at these girls who have no intent but to get as much money as they can out of them and then the guys will go home and jerk off to the image compiled in their brain from an hour ago of them throwing money at these girls. But enough about porn and strippers and salad (salad?) I was thinking about salad for some reason (tossing salad) no, the slightly less unappealing salad.

“So sick, so sick of being tired, and oh so tired of being sick. We’re both such magnificent liars, so crush me baby I’m all ears.”

I love that second sentence. I love it so much I almost thought about putting this song ten spots ahead on the list just now. I love it so much that I can’t even think what to say about it. I just love the arrogance of him telling the assumed her to say whatever she wants and he’ll listen to each and every word knowing it doesn’t mean a thing. I want to get in an intense argument with a girl someday just so I can smugly say, ‘We’re both such magnificent liars, so crush me baby I’m all ears.’ And then she’ll slap me, causing my head to tilt the left, as she slapped me with her left hand, and then I’ll straighten my head and stare into her beautiful eyes, and then I’ll kiss her softly, and she’ll pull back and slap me, again with the left hand, her dominant hand, and I’ll leave my head bowed to the side, in shame, until she grabs it with both hands and turns it to face her, and we stare, trapped in a second which lasts an eternity, and then she kisses me deeply as I slowly walk her to the bed and lie her down on it, and as I slowly slide my hand up her leg and into her skirt she bites down on her lip, and then the director yells cut, and thus ends the first episode of my Soap Opera ‘We Are All Lusting Fools’.

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About Danniel

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4 Responses to #59 You Know How I Do by Taking Back Sunday

  1. ninjapoptart says:

    Waffles sound good right now. After all the mentionings (that’s not a word? I thought it was but my spellchecker is telling me otherwise. Damn.) of jerking off in theaters and strippers and Peewee Herman, the only thing I can focus on is the fact that you mentioned waffles and peanut butter and now that’s all I can think about. Thanks.

    • Danniel says:

      Waffles and peanut butter are so good together, but I always make too much and put too much peanut butter and can never finish them but I hate throwing things away so I just let them sit around for like three hours and then finish ’em and they’re all soggy and it’s not very appealing, but nothing ever is as much as you’d like it to be – and to wrap this all around – not even jerking off.

  2. This is the 2nd TBS post that’s lead to you talking about… “male habits.” Is there some link there?

    • Danniel says:

      I have two hypothesizes:

      1) I started listening to Taking Back Sunday when I was about 14 or 15 which some might say were the prime years of my “male habits”, so perhaps whenever I listen to them subconsciously I’m reverting back to those years.

      2) A good 80% of my posts lead to me talking about my “male habits”, and Taking Back Sunday gets no special treatment.

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