Tonight I am a boy with ‘woe’, and I live in ‘woe’, and all those who come around me shall be in ‘woe’, and I shall forever be bogged down in ‘woe’. That is of course exaggeration to the fullest extent of its meaning. But tonight has not been a night to remember, but of course the things best remembered are those we want not to remember.
However, despite my affinity of self deprecation and constant flow of negative thoughts I will remain an optimist, but only on the inside – I would like for no one to know I have any confidence in myself, that way when I fail they’ll think I wasn’t really trying.
I have a huge fear of trying and failing. A short while ago, and a long while ago also, I was looking at jobs online and I was reading a lot of the job descriptions thinking, “Holy crap that’s a lot of responsibilities. I can’t do all that. You want me to flip that burger without causing harm to it? I don’t see how that’s humanly possible.” Okay, so it wasn’t exactly flipping burgers that seemed hard, but the constant feeling of feeling like all of the jobs I was reading about I couldn’t do reminded me that that’s just the way I think, and that even if I had to flip burgers I’d find a way to make it feel like an impossible task for me.
My mind works like this: I got taken out of the writing rhythm – by the way ‘rhythm’ is a fucking ridiculously spelled word and should be changed immediately – because some girl I care about sent me something saying things went bad and then I asked her why and then she said they didn’t and then she said they actually did and then she stopped talking to me like she always does because she loves fucking with my head and making me worry, and I couldn’t think about what to write or what I was about to write and then I was going to mention how I got taken out of my rhythm but then I thought it would be stupid to mention that – by the way I still find it stupid – and then I thought maybe it wouldn’t be so stupid if I mentioned that my writing rhythm was having one hand on the keyboard and the other jerking me off – even stupider – and then I thought that would be ridiculous because it would cut my typing time down tremendously and then I thought what if I hired someone to jerk me off while I wrote but that would be ridiculous because writing is very personal to me while whatever else happens to my penis is apparently not, but then I wondered if any rich Hollywood writers had ever hired someone to jerk them off while they write, and if so that’s one job I’m confident in my skills – like how I wrapped that back around? I hope you do because I don’t.