#62 Ode To Divorce by Regina Spektor

Regina Spektor sings so beautifully, so uniquely.

I was watching football today and a commercial came on for some website, mymarriagematters.org, and its whole purpose is to get another website, ashleymadison.com, taken off the internet or something. I don’t think they can legally get it taken down from the internet, I mean they have videos of some girl who didn’t get enough love from her daddy sucking off a donkey…or so I’ve been told – I’m not into bestiality and not only that, but I’m not into finding out if I might be into bestiality, I have no desire to see anything disgusting, whether it be a human having sex with an animal, a guy getting hit by a train, or two girls doing something with a cup.

So ashleymadison.com is this site that specializes in helping married people have an affair. Their slogan is taken right out of what I must assume is 75% of every married man’s mind, and that is, “Life is short. Have an affair.” It’s akin to the saying, ‘you only get one life to live, so make the most of it.’ So you only get one chance to cheat, unless you get caught of course, then I’m pretty sure you’ll get a second chance with a new person. Here’s a novel idea, you only get one chance to live a life being completely faithful, why not try that? Because in a world of perverts that’s just not fun.

Regina Spektor...probably not a user of ashleymadison.com

Noel Biderman is the dude who I guess runs and created this site. He doesn’t think his site is the problem and therefore shouldn’t be blamed when husbands and wives sign up on the site to help find someone they can have an affair with. I agree with him in a sense. Having almost technically been cheated on – I wasn’t technically in a relationship, whatever ‘technically’ means, so I guess I wasn’t technically cheated on, just sort of technically lied to and technically stabbed in the back – I’m certainly not for people stepping out of their marriages, unless it’s something agreed upon with the wife and husband as in John Sally’s, the ex NBA champion, marriage. Apparently his wife says it’s okay for him to sleep with other women, some of which are porn stars, one specific porn star I may have masturbated to at least three dozen times and not being a fan of John Sally’s I’m not excited that he slept with her so now I can’t masturbate to her because I’ll just think about him, and thinking about a seven foot tall black guy isn’t high on the list of things I want to jerk off to.

All this site does is help people cheat on each other, but it’s still the choice of the wife or the husband to sign up for the site and then go as far as meeting the person and having shameful, hell raising, intercourse with them – by the way apparently much of the site is anonymous so my greatest hope and dream is that one day two people will talk to each other, neither with a profile picture, or even better a profile picture of someone similar but overall better looking then them, and then when they eventually meet up at a hotel and see each other for the first time it turns out they’re actually husband and wife and then they confusingly try to get in an argument about who’s cheating on who. That being said, what the site is doing is like if a parent tells his kid over and over again that candy is bad, and then says, ‘here’s a candy bar for being such a good listener’ (except for the fact that if you think about it it’s not anything like that, it’s like a parent telling his kid candy is great and then selling him a candy bar at a monthly rate).

The website knows what its doing is wrong, and we should all hate the site for being an enabler, but really the people who are to blame are the cheating husbands and wives. Sure maybe many of them wouldn’t be cheating if the site wasn’t there to help, but does a person really want to be in a marriage with a person who if given the chance to cheat discreetly would? I know I don’t, which is why when I get married I’m going to set up many scenarios for my wife to cheat on me. The most brilliant of which involves me getting stranded on a desert island for four years while my wife sits at home crying night after night until some handsome fella I hired comes strolling into town to console her, and eventually lure her into moving on, and by the time I come back she’s in a happy relationship with him and I’m a broken man trying to readapt to this world I’ve been away from for so long. It’s sad because I lost a loving wife, spent four years basically decaying on an island, and now my best friend is a volleyball, but if that’s what it takes to find out my wife is a cheater than so be it.

Aforementioned pornstar...or Sarah Palin. I forget which.

I don’t think ashleymadison should be shut down, because it’s the internet and all that crap should be allowed to be allowed on the internet (allowed to be allowed?) yes, I said it and don’t regret it. Ultimately the site would go away without any costumers, but that’s not the case. According to one site, which I would cite if I was a reporter or even just a decent non-lazy writer, said that ashleymadison.com has more than three and a half million users. Jesus fucking Christ. That doesn’t even count all the people who don’t need no stinkin’ website to help them cheat. Another site notes that most of the users are rich white males. Well that’s no surprise. The man always be thinking he can get away with stuff. Of the total users 68% of them are males. I have two theories behind this. One is that women are two dumb to figure out how to use the internet – that theory’s wrong of course and not a great joke because I think most of the people who read this are women, so my deepest apologies, plus I have no room to talk because I put two instead of too. And two, women don’t need the help of the internet to cheat. They can just wear some skimpy dress, walk in a bar, shake that tushie and they’ll have guys fly to them like bees to honey – although if my understanding is correct bees don’t really care that much about the honey, they’re much more excited by the process of making it.

All that being said I think this mymarriagematters.org crap is a bunch of, well, crap. I think it’s another one of those right-wing religious based things where they need to seem more moralistic than everyone else without really thinking about the logic. It doesn’t really matter if people want to cheat as long as we take down these sites helping them cheat. I mean doesn’t that really solve the problem of why these people in so obviously loving marriages want to cheat in the first place? This site and this Ryan Hill guy who is a “faithful husband, loving father, and a traditional American who values marriage just the way it is” are blaming the ashleymadison site when really they should be admonishing the married people using it.

I wanted to find out who this Ryan Hill guy really is, so I googled him and found this article that is basically saying that Ryan Hill is actually helping ashleymadison.com with his possibly fake anti-ashleymadison campaign. Because I’m too lazy – and so very hungry – to give a summery of the article I’ll just link you to it and you can read it if you’d like, but either way I’m going to go enjoy a cinnamon roll, unless someone took the last one, then I’ll just throw a tantrum until I get a brick of cheese in my hand and start gnawing away at it. That always calms me down.


About Danniel

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3 Responses to #62 Ode To Divorce by Regina Spektor

  1. Wow, this post depressed me a bit. Still I agree with you that, immoral and unethical as it is, the websites shouldn’t be shut down. If someone wants to cheat, (s)he’s going to cheat. Sadly the internet just provides easier, faster, and more access to resources. Heck, isn’t that what Craig’s List Personals, Facebook, and MySpace provide now?

    I know you’re fairly young, but you seem like you know better than to ever cheat, now or later, at least on anyone that really matters. Don’t change. I’ve been there, on both sides, and it f’n sucks.

    • Danniel says:

      Well for me sex has never seemed as appealing as being in love with someone. Plus I consider cheating lying and as a person who has been lied to kind of a lot in the past I’m not a big fan of lying. Of course just as people can change for the better as they get older some people change for the worse. I’m hoping my views on cheating and being honest don’t ever change, but life is hard, and I guess that’s what makes it interesting. I’m going to try hard not to change. I don’t have much going for me, but there are a few things I like and I’d like for those not to change.

  2. bananaheart says:

    You are pretty cool Daniel, I like reading your ranty opinions. Reginna Specktors also rocks.

    Cheating is silly, if you don’t want to be with someone you should break up with them. Why would you want to hurt someone that bad? I don’t get it.

    This girl I used to be good friends (but no more as she lives overseas and forgot my birthday recently, hahah how grudgey) had an australian boyfriend and then left to go the scotland still going out with the aus bf. She then got a scottish bf and wasn’t going to tell her aus bf. But hell broke lose when one of my friend’s bf who thinks cheating is immorally wrong hacked into his gf’s account and found the evidence and then contacted cheating girl’s aus boyfriend and aus boyfriend calls her in scotland.
    Worst thing was she denied it STILL. Such a liar.. I mean who does that? She is still with Scottish bf in case your wondering.

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