It was, I’m guessing, somewhere between ten and fifteen minutes ago that I was brushing my teeth in the mirror and thinking about writing another installment of bedtime thoughts and how what has been on my mind most recently is liking these three girls but always getting confused on which I like most when I started to laugh because I realized that obviously it doesn’t matter which one I like most because I will end up with none of them. Of course part of the reason I will end up with none of them is because I will never know which one I like most, among many other reasons of course.
One I could never end up with. I like her a lot, but I just couldn’t end up with her. It’s hard to explain why, but I guess the short answer is that although she would be very cool to be with we have so many things not in common that I could see it being frustrating to her down the line, and possibly a bit frustrating to me too. Plus I could see her being extremely freaked out by my constant need to be affectionate and complimentative – I’ll maintain to my death that complimentative will one day be a word. I want the girl I am with to feel like a princess, for lack of any less clichéd saying, but unfortunately I do not have the bank account of a prince therefore I can only show my affection through words, and not jewelry that costs more than my life – I like that they say you can’t put a price on life, but isn’t that really what life insurance is for?
These other two girls are more openly affectionate and accepting of my affectionateness. However both these girls are of course miles and miles and hundreds of miles away from me. Therein lies another problem with not having money. Why, oh why, was I not born a Gates or a Jobs!? Of course then I would be a geek and inherently not care about any girls unless they were dressed in some kind of kinky anime character costume. Those girl anime characters always have huge breasts. I feel like in a perfect world I would have been born as an anime character in some sort of melodrama where I was the kooky best friend of the protagonist of the show and I had a severe sexual perverted fetish, which I’m now convinced that 80% of all anime characters have, which leads me to believe that 90% of all Japanese men have.
I was thinking a while ago that all these girls I’ve liked would in no way get along with my friends. I think one of them might. And I think another one of the girls I used to like would try to fuck all of them. Seriously. It’s sad actually. But I imagine the idea that my friends wouldn’t get along with my girlfriend, and vice versa, somewhat makes sense to me. I think part of this is that I’m attracted to girls with qualities not very similar to that of my best friends. For one I’m attracted to boobs. None of my best friends have those. But on a more serious level I’m attracted to girls who show lots of emotion, and often times friends are hesitant to open up with one another.
In my group of friends we always make jokes. It’s very impossible to have a conversation without making jokes. Ironically the most emotional argument which lacked jokes was an argument about how we couldn’t openly talk about serious personal subjects with each other because we couldn’t take it seriously and someone, namely me, would always make jokes. For me it’s almost impossible to talk about something without throwing in some jokes. The only exception is of course when I’m talking to a girl I like about something personal to her. And even then the jokes are flying through my head, I just somehow manage to keep my mouth shut, possibly because I’m extremely shy around girls, even girls I know well.
This isn’t on topic, but nothing here ever is or is ever meant to be, but I’m not getting more tired. I was hoping by now I’d be asleep. I can’t write forever. I mean I suppose technically I could, but it would all turn into mindless drivel which is actually a step up from what’s been written so far.
So the problem with this one girl who I thought might be the one – and by one I don’t mean the one who I end up marrying, but rather the one who can finally get me to forget about that girl I was in love with – is that sometimes she won’t talk to me for a while, and I’ll text her and she won’t respond, and it makes me feel like the things she tells me, particularly about how much she likes me, might not be entirely true. Today she texted me asking what I was doing and I answered and texted her back asking what she was doing and she didn’t respond. I don’t expect us to talk every day or even every other day, but I don’t know. I really just don’t know. Like I know nothing at this exact moment. I’m just going to close my eyes for a few minutes and see what happens.