#64 Sic Transit Gloria…Glory Fades by Brand New

Apparently this song is about a boy hesitant to lose his virginity to a girl who he’s looking for much more than just sex with. I related a lot more with this song a few years back, in the sense that come the time I would lose my virginity I would probably have no idea what to do, and in fact having sex with the girl would probably not even be my first choice of things to do with the girl. A good cuddle while discussing the events that transpired on that night’s episode of Survivor would seem much more appealing. It’s not like younger Quentin had no desire for sex, it’s just his mind was corrupted with the idea of love and there being more to the relationship between a man and a woman than just sex. The Quentin of now realizes the error in his ways, and that true love doesn’t exist, but is just a word guys throw around to get girls to sleep with them over and over again and not feel bad about it.

I jest to a certain extent, I am not that jaded, but I’m sure one day I might be. I guess what I was trying to get to is that as the years go by I’m less and less looking for that girl I’d like to spend the rest of my life with, and now settling, although in a struggling manner, with the idea that I’ll have to go through many women to find that special girl, which is not something I’d like to do, both because I don’t like the idea of getting my heart broken and I don’t like the idea of potentially breaking any girls hearts.

I guess I’m kind of struggling with the idea of becoming a person who can have sex without real emotion. Whereas three years ago I feel like that would have been impossible I now feel like even though I don’t really want to be that kind of person – not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with being that kind of person – I think I could very well have sex with girls I don’t really feel anything for. Certainly the fact that I’m still virgin affects that. I’m completely opposed to having sex with a hooker, or even just the neighborhood slut. I’m no longer waiting for love, nor do I think I ever was, but I’d like to wait for someone I really care about and who I think the possibility of love could happen with. But the way I’m going as a person, and the constant disappointment I’ve had with women over the past couple of years, I feel like sex is going to be to me what it is to most other guys, and I don’t really like that.

I think I think about sex a lot, but after examining it I actually think a lot about me not having sex. Whenever I think about having sex it usually involves a girl I like and then it’s less about thinking about sex and is much more about other stuff involving her and me. Whenever it doesn’t work out with one of these girls I’ve liked I don’t get disappointed that I won’t have sex with them, it’s always disappointment over other things. Although to be honest it completely rips me apart to think about other people having sex with the girls I once liked. I find this weird, because at the same time when I think about them being in a loving relationship with someone else I don’t get as upset, and I think it’s because deep down if I really like them I want them to be happy above all else, and then there’s also that part about me wanting to be the saddest person in the world, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Even though the song is about sex I didn’t expect this post to take this direction. In fact yesterday I wrote mostly on serious matters, so I was hoping today I’d keep it light-hearted, but this year has started off pretty terribly, and despite how much I enjoy writing it hasn’t really been able to knock me out of the funk, and the people who usually make me happy aren’t here, so everything kind of sucks, but I’m gonna get past it, because despite all my horrible qualities I still believe I control my mood, and I’ll figure out a way to stop feeling like this.

I hate her so much. I miss her so much.

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About Danniel

http://closertoclarity.com/
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