#65 Do Better by Say Anything

As the year came to an end and I noticed I was about ready to place this song on my list I decided that it would be the first song I would post of the New Year, and despite the cheesiness of it I still feel like it’s a good mantra to have for me this year, after disappointing myself so much last year. I know the standards I set for myself are high, or at least the standards I’d like to one day attain to, but the minuteness of my few accomplishments last year make me have to redefine my idea of possibility and perhaps those things I thought could be achieved are just as impossible for me as all those unreachable goals I set?

I’ve never felt like a year could make or break me so much. After saying that for the first time when commenting on someone’s blog a couple of minutes ago I realized that it’s ridiculous that my success or failure could so neatly be decided within a clearly defined period of time such as a year. In reality I’m sure it will be a series of hours spanned out through months that determine what happens in my life. And even then no one stays on the path of up or down consistently. This life is filled with highs and lows. I just feel like what I do with what I have this year is going to determine weather my life has more highs or lows, and right now it’s just not looking great.

I don’t feel like writing this anymore. End.

Watch me beat this.

The key to writing is putting the words on paper (sounds easy enough). Mind you that’s not the key to good writing. I haven’t figured out the key to good writing. Perhaps the key to good writing is the kind of writing I just don’t, and perhaps can’t, do? I can’t think about what I’m going to write before I write it. Just now I was trying to figure out how the hell I was going to start writing and what it was going to be about and then I remembered that I almost never think about what I’m going to write before I write about it, and even when I try I get distracted and am off topic often.

That’s the beauty of starting without a topic. The only way to get off topic is to somehow get on a topic and stay there, and that I just can’t do. I’ve figured out my brain doesn’t work that way. I think a key to life is figuring out how our brains work, and not brains in general, but every person needs to figure out how each one of their own brains works, because you can’t convince me that they aren’t all different.

It was very disappointing to learn that I’m one of those people who want what they can’t have. Do you think I’ve liked the girls I’ve liked because they’re beautiful, or intelligent, or sweet, or funny? Hell no. It’s because every girl I’ve liked has been amazing and I know the league I’m in, and I know they’re not in it and they can do much better than me, but I’ve convinced myself that somehow someway I can get them. It’s sad in a way because they deserve much better than me, but at the same time I think every girl I’ve ever liked has been aware of that, and that’s why I’ve been single my whole life.

Disappointingly not a picture of Katy Perry's breasts

By the way, let me make one thing clear here (because all that should ever be clear is only one thing).  I’m not saying that I like these girls because I want to prove that I can get them. Katy Perry is very attractive with an extremely attractive pair of breasts, but I know very little about her personality – besides the fact that she married Russell Brand which is a huge strike against her – and therefore I don’t consider her out of my league in a sense. Yes, in terms of looks she’s a million lightyears out of my league.  And career/fame-wise there’s almost a just as big gap between our leagues, but frankly I don’t put that much stress on those leagues.

The beauty among much ugliness in guys is that the success of a person plays almost zero role in how much we want to have sex with a girl. Katy Perry may be a 9 but she’s in fantasy world and if a 7 walks by in real life that 7 becomes immediately more appealing than Katy Perry because the 7 is in the real world, and therefore the guy actually has a chance of hooking up with her, which is exclusively what guys care about in this world. Don’t let any guy fool you, anything he wants in life, whether it be a car, job, fame, money, a peanut butter and fucking jelly sandwich, he wants it because he thinks it will help him get laid. Sure I seem like some guy who doesn’t care that much about sex because I’m still a virgin at 23 and I didn’t try as hard as most guys would in situations where it seemed pretty obvious that I could have gotten laid, but I make no bones about every single thing I do being in pursuit of finding that one girl who I can spend the rest of my life in a massive explosion of happiness with, and once that happens you better believe sex will be involved.

I used to convince myself that I wanted to make this world a better place, and the reason I’m on this planet was because of that – I don’t believe we have reasons to be here, I believe we give ourselves reasons to be here – but I only spend about two nights a week feeling sad about knowing I won’t be able to make a difference. I spend the rest of my nights fearing I’ll never find that girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. I guess, and this is hesitant, that I can live without making a real difference on this planet. I can, and might have to, live without being truly in love, but I can’t do it without being in pain.

P.S. I always have thoughts I want to get to but because I never stay on topic I never end up getting to them. And also I guess I beat it for a while but it got back to being sad again, but even though it may not show it in the post, at least in real life things got much brighter.


About Danniel

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4 Responses to #65 Do Better by Say Anything

  1. lunarlacuna says:

    There aren’t leagues dude. I think by believing you are not good enough by someone you are just creating boundaries that may not be there otherwise. And plus, if someone acts like they’re above you or “too good for you” they’re not worth your time. I think this was actually one of the most focused entries you’ve written, but it made me kind of sad. I don’t think you give yourself nearly enough credit. You seem like your lightyears ahead of most of the pigheaded guys out there. At least your honest about your sexuality, wants and needs, and I really respect that. Don’t knock yourself down, you’re a good person, and it shows in your writing.

  2. lunarlacuna says:

    *for someone

  3. lunarlacuna says:

    you’re** wow my grammar’s really lacking today.

    • Danniel says:

      I didn’t even notice the grammar mistakes, but the double correction put a smile on my face for some reason. And thanks for the comment. I’ve been lied to a lot in the past few years, so I kind of put a big emphasis on being as honest as I can now, and I try to especially in my writing because often times I’m confused with my own thoughts and I find out things I really feel when I write it out. Although sometimes I’m confused with what I really want and it shows up in my writing. I don’t know, I just really want my writing to be me, which is, as I always say, why I’ll never be a good writer. Sometimes I wish I could just write happy fun stuff, but it’s hard to sometimes and I feel like taking out all the sadness wouldn’t be me.

      I am hard on myself, but I think I’m getting better. I feel like I can be better, and I feel like I’m trying harder.

      I really like the honesty in your writing too. I would comment more, but it’s hard to figure out what to say, and I feel like nothing I could say would be of any interest. But I do enjoy the writing. It’s very open and emotional and I love that in writing.

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