Because, for reasons I will mention shortly, I do not have much desire to watch the movie Inception I have decided to write about the movie while watching the movie. Some might say this will change the way I view the movie and will render an improper judgment of said movie. To them I say, “You are correct.” I however do not care. For you see in my eyes it is a win-win situation. If the movie is bad then I will be saved by the fact that I am writing about its badness which will certainly be enjoyable for me. And if the movie is good then I will probably stop writing and pay better attention to the movie and this will certainly become a much more boring, but altogether better because it will be shorter, post. Be warned, spoilers will be laden throughout, at least I assume. [It turns out not really.]
Pre-watch thoughts: As most of you know Inception has gotten rave reviews. All you’d have to do to know that is read what is said about it on the DVD cover, “Leonardo DiCaprio,” “Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun Times,” “a film by” “ception,” all remarkable statements, I am sure. The word of mouth about the movie has been excellent as well. The only person I know who hasn’t absolutely loved this movie is Doug Benson, and technically I don’t even know him, I just listen to his podcast. But because of this I am concerned with how I will like the movie. I tend not to like things after they have been hyped forever, because I already put high expectations on movies, and now I’m afraid the expectations are unreachable. And even if the expectations were to be reach I would just raise them even more so they could not be reached. Also this movie was written and directed by Christopher Nolan. I of course hate Christopher Nolan because of his affiliations with that actor who I will not mention but played the Dark Knight in the movie The Dark Knight. And because I hate everything about that actor I hate everything about Christopher Nolan, even Momento, which I enjoyed very much. So now you know how much I hate that actor. But anyway what’s say we begin the movie?
12:16am: The movie has begun. Oh crap, I think I need to pee again.
12:17am: Leo washed up on shore somewhere. I think this is the beginning of Titanic 2: Rise of the Tide…and Then the Tide’s Revenge.
12:18am: I’m going to stop writing am each time now. And also I turned the subtitles on because my hearing is that of an old man with no ears…hey, it’s the kid from Third Rock From The Sun. I bet he loves getting that.
12:22: Just found out this movie is only rated PG-13. That fucking sucks. I’m against big blockbuster movies being rated anything less than R. I want hardcore sex scenes –well maybe not hardcore – and semi-realistic violence and cussing, or as I call it the way people really talk. Christopher Nolan you disappoint me by letting your artistic integrity be lowered to PG-13.
12:27: Had the realization that acting in an action movie seems rather childish. Think about it, every kid spends most of their childhood pretending, which is what actors do and some get paid millions for. The world is crazy.
12:31: Third Rock kid to Leo, “And you, what was that?” Leo says, “I have it under control.” Third Rock Kid says, “I’d hate to see you out of control.” Lame dialogue, Nolan.
12:36: I don’t want a helicopter. Still not sure how any flying technology works. It’s the magic of the devil. Also I hate when they say the name of the movie in the movie, unless it’s at the very end of the movie, then I can’t stop laughing. But whenever they say the name of the movie, in this case Inception, it always reminds me that I’m watching a movie named that. I don’t like to be reminded that I’m watching a movie. I’m already reminded enough given the fact that I’m writing about the movie while I’m watching it. But now it’s even worse because I’m writing about watching a movie and being reminded it’s a movie. And what’s even worse is you’re reading it. Which I appreciate, Mom.
12:51: My totem would be a golden mold of my penis – you only get that joke if you’ve seen the movie, and even then you only get it if you remember totem’s are supposed to be small.
12:57: So this is like The Matrix on crack?
12:59: There’s something I like about Ken Wantanbe. I should probably rewatch The Last Samurai. That was good, right? Too bad I remember the ending. Unlike Unstoppable the title isn’t misleading.
1:01: Ugh, stop saying Inception (stop writing about the movie while you’re watching the movie) both those requests are highly unlikely to happen.
1:05: Hey, Juno stole my idea for a totem. Wait, that’s not my penis, it’s a golden Bishop piece from Chess. Very easy to confuse the two.
1:14: I could see Leo going the way of Marlin Brando, i.e. becoming insanely fat. Well maybe not insanely fat, but at least to where Jack Nicolson is now.
1:30: Uh oh, I’m being sucked into the movie. I’ve never had a movie suck this much. Ey-oh.
1:37: I couldn’t be with a girl named Mal. Inevitably I’d screw up during sex and call her mom. And then I’d have to kill myself by jumping out of the hotel room window.
1:56: Okay, the whole spinning hallway/hotel room fight scene was pretty awesome. But not awesome enough to watch the special feature of how it was made. Just awesome enough to acknowledge its aswomeness now, and then again in any future Inception talks I may have with friends.
2:02: JGL (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) didn’t need to say ‘paradox’ after he tricked the fool chasing him. We, the audience, used our memory to remember that about an earlier in the movie he taught Juno about how to make paradoxes. You don’t have to insult us by having JGL say ‘paradox’ to the fool he tricked to remind us that it’s a paradox. This annoys me more than it should.
2:12: Okay, huge spoiler alert, but now it appears they’re in a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream within a sandwich.
2:13: I’m not sure what kind of sandwich yet.
2:16: It’s been two hours, the movie is almost over, I’m totally encapsulated in all the action and intensity and Leo had to go and say Inception one more time. With that and then writing about that I am now completely out of the movie again. Damn you Nolan!
2:22: I had many problems with how The Dark Knight was directed and I don’t like some directorial choices of how this was directed either.
2:30: My mother is in the kitchen, which is about two feet outside the door of my room, and she’s talking to the kitties very loudly in that voice you use to talk to babies, and saying it’s distracting me from the movie would be an understatement.
2:35: My mother let the cats in my room so now I had to feed them to keep them from going nut, and now I have to listen to them crunch away at their food.
2:38: The movie has ended and the credits are rolling, and my girl kitty is drinking from whatever is in my Seattle Seahawks coffee mug. Wait, the movie ended with the words inception being shown on a black screen, and then it showed the writer director and some producers and Leo’s name, and then it said inception again. Double inception? And then it said ‘a film by Christopher Nolan after we already saw that he directed it. The credits have annoyed me.
Post movie thoughts: Am I glad I watched Inception? Yes. Did I enjoy Inception? Yes. Was it one of the best movies of the year? Yes. Did I even see enough movies to qualify that previous answer? No. Am I annoyed by starting this by asking myself a series of questions? No. But is the reader annoyed? Yes.
I had a few problems with some of the directing choices, most notably some flashback scenes towards the end, but, and even though it kills me to admit it, it wasn’t the work of an amateur, as that actor previously alluded to might call it if he was ranting. I didn’t really like the scene towards the beginning of the movie where Leo and JGL were teaching Juno about Inception. It reminded me of the Matrix when Neo was being taught about the matrix by that black guy whose daughter started doing porn to help her break her way into the acting business – If you have a dad who has been in multiple 100 million dollar grossing movies and you need to do porn in order to get an acting job I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re not a great actor; Jason Ritter didn’t have to do porn to become an actor, but his father was John Ritter, so that’s how strong John Ritter’s genes must be if even Jason Ritter can become a consistently working actor in this business (actually the work of Jason Ritter is quite consistently not sucky).
Anyway I’m not going to go too far on with this because I spent a little time writing before the movie and with this and the more than two hours of watching the movie I’ve now dedicated about three hours of my post Christmas evening to a movie written and directed by a man affiliated with a man I despise, so now this thing shall come to a close with my ultimate conclusion. Despite the horrible lack of bare breasts, and terrible deficiency of fucks, fuck-shits, mother fuckers, mother fucking fuck faces, and cunt rags, I think the movie was an overall success, and taught us the second most valuable lesson of the year from a movie, that being that if given the choice to enter someone’s subconscious definitely do it, but always use protection, unless entering from the rear of course – the most valuable lesson from a movie this year came from Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps. That of course being that Shia Labeouf shouldn’t be allowed to star in movies any more.