Not Review: The Vicious Kind

So I’m partially comfortable, not noticeably sick or having a head ache for the first time in weeks, drinking tea with for perhaps the perfect amount of sugar in it, and watching a movie that I assume will be terrible on Netflick so I won’t have to pay too much attention to it, so I figured now would be the perfect time to try a new writing prompt out.

So as you’ve probably forgotten by now I mentioned Netflick. I’m on the last week of my free month trail and it’s looking like I’m going to keep it for at least another couple of months because it’s pretty darn cheap – $8 a month and $2 more if you want the option of having the DVDs mailed to your house, which I suggest because there are a lot of good movies where that’s the only option you have to watch them. I decided that since I’m going to be watching all these crappy movies – I call them crappy because it’s widely known that I hate most movies, especially the good ones, but especially the bad ones – I might as well use them to help give me another thing to write about.

I’m not going to do a review of the movie for no other reason than I don’t want people to read it as if it’s suppose to be a review. I’m just going to write about whatever the movie makes me want to write about, and that happens to be a review than whatever, and if it happens to not be a review than so be it. I may not even say whether I liked the movie or not. Hell if I don’t feel like it I might not even say the name of the movie – that’s highly unlikely though. So let’s just begin.

Brittany Snow

The movie I would like to talk about this week, or bi-week, or tri-week, or however often I post whatever I end up calling this thing, is the movie The Vicious Kind. It’s one of the rare movies I’ve been wanting to see over the past few months. Partly because I’ve heard good things about the movie and Adam Scott’s performance. But mostly because I’ve had a big crush on Brittany Snow for a while and when I saw she had black hair in this movie, which is usually a bad thing because I love blondes, and that she looked twice as good with black hair than with blonde hair I knew there was a 99 percent chance I would be jerking off to her in this movie – that didn’t hold up as true however because the sexiness of her role in the movie was very dark and I’m more of a happiness masturbator.

Before the movie turns into a twisted, dark, somewhat depressing feature it starts out pretty funny with the conversations between Adam Scott’s asshole character and his nice brother who is played by an actor whose name I’m not going to look up. The comedy continues when they pick up that actor’s girlfriend who is played by Brittany Snow and of course Adam Scott continues to be an asshole. The funniest and quite possibly most fucked up assholery of Adam Scott’s character is when early in the movie he takes pictures of himself fucking a hooker and then drops off those pictures at his exgirlfriend’s house who apparently broke his heart which is big in setting up the story but the whole thing with the ex never gets resolved or really looked into that deeply.

The real story of the movie is how Adam Scott’s character is now overly protective of his brother because of what happened to him and how his burning hatred of his brother’s ex girlfriend turns into lust towards her. Also Adam Scott has a horrible relationship with his father who he hasn’t spoken to in 8 years, played wonderfully by J.K. Simmons who you may know as J. Jameson from the Spiderman movies or as Juno’s dad from that movie whose name I forget the name to. The story is good but the actors are better. I think all the performances are worthy of me calling them worthy. Adam Scott was amazing and Brittany Snow was even more amazing, but I’m pretty much only saying that because I’m extremely attracted to her.

Not the right Adam Scott

I’m not going to say whether or not Adam Scott’s character ended up sleeping with his brother’s girlfriend or not, and if you watch the movie it’s not obvious and you’ll probably be thinking the same thing I did, “this is so obvious he’s going to sleep with her. Wait, now he can’t sleep with her. Oh my God he’s going to sleep with her. What the fuck, there’s no way in hell he can sleep with her now. Holy fuck he actually slept with her. Wait, never mind, I accidentally switched to porn.” I can’t imagine if one of my brothers slept with my girlfriend. But to be fair I can’t imagine having a girlfriend, so it’d be pretty hard for one of them to sleep with something I don’t have.

This movie had me so confused. I didn’t want Adam Scott to sleep with his brother’s girlfriend because I would feel bad for his fictitious brother. But at the same time I really, desperately, wanted a Brittany Snow sex scene. This was my Sophie’s Choice. Although it wasn’t really a choice because it’s a movie and unlike Final Destination 3 on DVD I can’t choose what I want to happen next.

With the great actor performances, and the twisted story of Adam Scott’s character wanting to protect his virgin brother from being hurt by a girl but then falling for that girl and now being put in the situation where he might be the one to hurt his brother, this movie was thoroughly entertaining. I couldn’t take my eyes off the movie, aside for the aforementioned accidentally switching to porn and the three times I had to get up to go pee – I drink way too much water. I decided to give this movie four out of five bottles of lotion…wait, that’s my rating system for porn. I give this movie four out of five and a half buckets of overly buttered popcorn.

With that being said I say this holiday season skip the old classics like How The Grinch Stole Christmas, A Christmas Story, and Christmas Vacation, and watch an instant classic in The Vicious Kind about a fucked up asshole who wants to fuck his brother’s girlfriend. It’s a movie the whole family can enjoy…unless your family is anywhere near relatively normal.

About Danniel
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