I’m not sure where I went wrong, but then again if I really think about it I can’t ever recall a time when I was doing things right. I’m not sure what doing things right would be. In kindergarten was I not eating the Play-Doh as well as the other kids? I say that in jest of course, but my mother had this recipe for edible Play-Doh, so as a kid I actually did eat a lot of Play-Doh. I don’t recall it tasting particularly well, in fact far less good than non-edible Play-Doh. Shouldn’t every kid’s toy be made to taste terrible? If we’re so worried about kids swallowing and choking on everything shouldn’t we coat all children’s toys in some kind of broccoli flavored spray? Or better yet make toys made out of broccoli, so at least if they do eat them they’ll be nutritious.
I can’t ever be expected to stay on topic, which leads me back to where I went wrong because I think it had something to do with me not taking things seriously. It’s really hard to take things seriously when you’re young and just want to play video games and chase skirts. I guess I was more into the video game playing than the skirt chasing. Don’t get me wrong, I loved girls, and still do, but I knew my place, and chasing would only lead to further disappointment. At times I feel I made the wrong choice of spending much of my younger life playing video games and watching TV and movies and writing instead of trying to get laid, which brings me to the topic most on my mind today, but takes me completely away from the topic I started writing on.
Another girl I like had sex with a guy who isn’t me. I’m really upset about this, but it has less to do with him not being me and a lot more to do with him being an asshole. She had went on a date with this guy and said he was an asshole and her friend who basically set them up knew he was an asshole so I’m fucking pissed at her, far more pissed than I should be. I just really don’t like when assholes get laid. Especially when they trick sweet girls into it. I shouldn’t be as upset as I am. And I feel a lot of it has to do with me being a virgin.
A girl I loved had had a lot of sex in her life, and it tore me apart, and certainly didn’t help in keeping her from tearing us apart – I lay far too much blame on her when it was entirely my fault. She kept telling me that sex doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know how much I can believe that, and until I finally do have sex, God willing I one day do, – you hear that God, please, oh please let me find a lady willing to debase herself to lay down her body in the misery that will be known as sex with me – I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully understand the idea of sex without emotion.
I’ve watched a lot of what I guess is best considered amateur porn, where it’s just two people, not necessarily who know each other all that well, having sex who aren’t being paid, or at least to the best of my knowledge aren’t being paid. As a person who has never had sex I end up paying less attention to keeping my hand moving back and forth and more attention on studying what’s going on between the two people – sometimes three, four or even five people. For the guy it’s almost always the same. He’s either lying back and letting her do the work or working hard and taking control, but either way he’s enjoying it and it’s clearly for the pleasure. With the girl it’s a little different though. I always notice the high amount of eye contact that is being made. And there’s always a look in their eyes. A look that isn’t saying ‘I’m enjoying this so much’, but rather a look saying, ‘look what I’m doing for you, you should love me, I want you to remember this, I want this to be important to you, I want this to be more than just sex with another girl.’ Maybe I look into this way too much. By the way, I spend most of my time not actually masturbating but actually commenting on the things I’m watching and wondering why people are the way they are. I get bizarrely psychological when I’m jerking off. The biggest psychological question is how a man jerking off can spend so much of that time wondering what’s going through the heads of the people he’s jerking off to.
I really want to title my autobiography “The Thoughts I Think While Ejaculating.”