Bedtime Thoughts 6

So there’s this new girl, well not completely new, I’ve known her off and on for about a year or something, and she’s a girl I met on the internet of course because I still exude this magical odor that when smelled compels women not to want to have anything to do with me, but me and this girl have been talking a lot more for the last couple of months, and, well, she makes me feel like only one other girl has ever been able to make me feel like, or at least as close to that feeling as possible, which is still a lot more than I ever thought possible.

It’s exciting and devastating at the same time. When I was doing whatever the hell we were doing with the online girl before, which is as close to being in a relationship as I’ve ever been, even though we couldn’t be together physically – leave it to me to get into a relationship with an extremely beautiful girl who I can’t so much as hold hands with – I was still happy just being with her at all. It was frustrating a lot, but because I truly, and perhaps stupidly, thought we were going to end up together I never thought about hooking up with other girls, and all those other girls in my life who I never thought I could just be friends with I was suddenly just friends with, and perfectly fine with that.

Ironically it was because of this long distance thing with the girl I loved that made me care so much about Eva, which ultimately backfired when the long distance thing didn’t work out because now I didn’t just like Eva, but I really cared about her a lot, which made me like her as a potential person I could one day date even more. I strongly doubt me and Eva could ever be together though. In my life she’s in the top four girls I’ve liked and of those four she’s the only one I’ve ever met, granted I’ve only met her twice. Still I feel like she’s far too beautiful for me. I know that one girl I was in love with was amazingly beautiful, but we never met in person, so I don’t think she ever grasped how much more beautiful than me she really is, although I’ve seen some of the guys she’s found attractive and dated, and I’ve laughed about this with Chris, but they aren’t extremely attractive, in fact one of them was down right not attractive, of course he was the one she said reminded her of me, which didn’t make me think very highly of myself, but the part I laugh about is that she apparently thought I was attractive but all the guys she’s found attractive aren’t that attractive, so while I like that she thinks I’m attractive, it doesn’t necessarily mean I am attractive.

It may seem like a compliment for a girl to tell an ex that their new boyfriend reminds them of them – yes I said ‘them of them’ and it’s sort of confusing but I’m going to leave it – but I found it to be anything but a compliment. It was more like, ‘Oh, great, you’re dating this guy who reminds you of me, perfect, except I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but I am me, and I’m right here, and I still love you, so I’m just saying why go for the cheap knockoff when you have the real thing right here?” The answer in my head is of course, “because the cheap knock-off lacks all the qualities that made you so horrible.”

This other girl I liked online had one too many things in common with that girl I once loved, and in fact still do love. They were both addicted, and probably still are addicted, to the same thing, a thing that in the shallowest way I feel like is the worst thing a girl I like but can’t be with can be addicted to. They both lied to me about big things, as well as some smaller things which they both thought would be bigger to me than they really were. They were both raised in Arizona. Just odd, way too odd. And as of last night I am now aware that they are both completely in love with the man I most despise on this planet, yes, none other than the Dark Knight himself. I don’t even want to say the actor’s name, that’s how much I hate him. I don’t even want to elaborate because it brings me down. It’s really stupid and petty of me to hold such a grudge, but go ahead and check my calling card one more time: yep, front and center are the words ‘stupid’ and ‘petty’.

This new girl… I don’t even know where to go with this. She makes me smile. I just felt like I should write about it. Of course in a way this writing sums me up perfectly I spent the first few paragraphs talking about that girl I loved instead of the new girl. Odd that I would come to write something happy and then decide to write about something that would bring me down. Writing can’t really bring me down though. Even when I write things that sadden me it’s still writing so there’s a certain comfort to it that takes me out of my mind and disallows me to really think about anything. I think that’s why I’m such a terrible writer. I don’t really stop to think about what I’m writing or how to make it better or how to elucidate my thoughts better or whether I’m using elucidate right. I just write, and it just is. I try really writing and really thinking and I just can’t. At least not in this form – when I write script type things there’s a lot more thinking than writing usually.

So this new girl… I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m certainly not going to try and rush anything, especially considering she’s currently further from me than Mount Rushmore – it was in my head because I said the word rush…I guess I could have somehow mentioned the band but I don’t see how that would have been relevant (whereas Mount Rushmore is completely relevant?) this new girl could enter my Mount Rushmore of all time girls I’ve liked. I talked so much about that girl I loved because until now no one has ever been anywhere near close to making me feel the way she has. But I’m not going to compare the two. That would be unfair. I’m still not over her. I’m still not convinced she’s the most beautiful and smart creature on this planet, but I’m starting to believe maybe I can be swayed of that notion. It’s still too early to tell.

Speaking of early it’s six ‘til five in the morning over here, and I had planned on waking up at eight, but now that’s certainly out of the question. I don’t mind anymore. I had a pretty bad night. And I had a huge amount of trouble getting to sleep. And then the new girl texted me, and everything got better. And now I’m going to get to sleep with a smile.

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About Danniel

http://closertoclarity.com/
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2 Responses to Bedtime Thoughts 6

  1. Ok, I got a little lost trying to figure out, ultimately, which girl it is you really want to “be” with now, but whoever it is, Maria’s rooting for you..and her.

    • Danniel says:

      Unfortunately I think we’re both a little lost on which girl I want to be with now 😦 but thanks for the support and for reading. And thanks for the comments, yours have always been really nice to read.

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