This song will always have a special place in my heart because it was one of the first non rap or r&b songs that I really liked, nay, loved. Enough so that I considered it my second favorite song back then, or possibly even my first; I’m not quite sure. My memory continues to fail me more with each passing year. But I do recall that this was the only rock song I went out of my way to listen to at the time, and that helped expose me to other rock songs on MTV and the radio while waiting for Everlong to come on – I suppose I thought the other rock songs were okay but nothing compared to what I thought was my true love in rap – and put me on the course to alternative rock music which is the reason why this list is flooded with bands from that genre. So possibly if it wasn’t for Foo Fighters and Marconi this list might be filled with songs by Lil Wayne, Lil Kim, Lil Romeo and The Artist Formerly Known As Little Bow Wow.
When I said Marconi I wasn’t referring to Guglielmo Marconi the Italian dude who helped develop the radio, but rather a local radio disc jockey I used to listen to during my middle school years. I credit him because during those years I used to stay home sick a lot because I was one of the many kids suffering form I’m-too-lazy-to-get-my-lazy-ass-out-of-bed-in-the-morning-so-I’m-going-to-pretend-to-be-sick…itis. So I would listen to the radio all day while I played numerous amounts of video games. Since I liked rap I would listen to the one local rap station, but as we all know radio tends to have lots of commercials, and I hate commercials.
I’m one of those people who you don’t want to be watching your favorite show with, because during the commercials I will flip through channels and inevitably one of those times I will be a minute or two late getting back to the show. It’s a risk I’m more than willing to take to avoid corporate brainwashing – I don’t believe commercials are brainwashing us, in fact I think they’re too fucking boring and horrible to be doing an anywhere near adequate job of that. So I would switch stations when my rap station would go to commercial, searching for anything that wasn’t commercials or country music. Luckily the closest station was an alternative rock station, but at the time I didn’t like alternative rock so that wasn’t what kept me tuning into it. What kept me coming back were the two humongously fat disk jockeys named Marconi and Tiny, Tiny being an ironic nickname – I knew they were fat because they never stopped mentioning it, and they also had fat people voices, i.e. heavy breathing.
I don’t recall what was so appealing about them back then. They would just talk about things, particularly girls, and make fun of their competitor disk jockey on another station because he apparently did his show from Modesto California and not my home town of Portland Oregon. Somehow everything I remember most about the Marconi show was a girl who worked at the station named Jamie Cooley.
I never got to see what she looked like, but I loved her because she had big boobs and 13 year old Quentin loved big boobs – which isn’t much different than 23 year old Quentin – even if he couldn’t see the big boobs. I’ve evolved past the point of just liking a girl’s features by looks. I can now sense them. So I could be blindfolded and if I girl with big boobs walks in the room you better believe I’ll get a boner.
There are three specific things I remember most about Jamie Cooley and her involvement with the Marconi show. The first being that they would always tease her about having sex with Pete Yorn, a fact it took them a while to get her to admit. Apparently she was very promiscuous with band members visiting her fair city. I didn’t know who Pete Yorn was at the time, but that didn’t stop me from being jealous of him.
The other, and more crazier thing was something they did probably to boost ratings. Marconi, Tiny and a third guy who I can’t remember at the moment all made molds of their penises and Jamie Cooley took them home, used them on herself, not knowing who’s was who’s, and then announced on air what one was the best. I can’t remember who’s she said was the best, all I remember was thinking about how I couldn’t wait for my penis to get big enough to where I’m not embarrassed if people knew the size of it. I’m still waiting for that day. [I’ll never announce my penis size publicly for three reasons 1) no one wants to know it anyway 2) I think a bit of mysterious is more intriguing and 3) it’s small, although not when compared to Tootsie Rolls, assuming you’ll using the average size ones]
I kind of miss that about going through puberty. I used to look at my penis every so often and be like, ‘yep, you’re going to get bigger.’ But now I just look at it and say, ‘I can’t believe you didn’t get bigger. You disgust me.’ For the most part I am what I see right now. There’s no more ‘maybe I’ll grow a couple of inches this year,’ (height wise) or ‘I wonder if my balls are going to keep getting hairier?’ Now what I see is what I get until I grow old and I start to shrink and my nose hair grows even more out of control.
The third thing about Jamie Cooley and the Marconi show, and my personal favorite, is that for some reason Jamie Cooley, and apparently the radio station, agreed that at every weekday around five Marconi would play five nonstop minutes of her moaning, of course with the intent of guys across the city jerking off to the sound of it. Of course being a perverted little boy I decided to record it onto a cassette tape. I’m not sure what happened to that cassette tape. Probably got recorded over with some Justin Bieber songs, both of which ultimately ended up being used for the same purpose.
Jamie Cooley might be my favorite all time radio disc jockey, and not because of her openly sexual ways, but because she played the music that ultimately lead me to what I listen to now. Without her I wouldn’t have discovered Taking Back Sunday so early and also she might have been the one that first introduced me to Dashboard Confessional. So in honor of Jamie Cooley I should whack one out while thinking about her, just like in the olden days. But I’m feeling lazy today, so I’m probably just going to watch some more Dog Bites Man while eating a block of cheese.