I think this might be the most popular Say Anything song, which is unfortunately because there are so many great Say Anything songs but it just so happens that this one happens to be perhaps the catchiest. I suppose I don’t mind that as long as it lures new listeners into hearing other songs by Say Anything. The word lure always sounds so devious. Nothing good can ever come from luring. Well nothing good for the person being lured. If all goes well the person doing the luring will end up very happy, perhaps illegally so. I’d like to think if you become happy from doing illegal things you’re illegally happy.
When I become king of the world people won’t get in trouble for doing illegal things unless those things make them happy. So if there’s a person going around stealing sheep and he’s like, “why do I keep stealing these sheep? This is making me so unhappy.” Then he’s already being punished because he’s unhappy and not receiving any joy from his illegal deeds. In fact we should feel sorry for him, and even more we should hate the people who are having their sheep stolen by him, because if they didn’t have sheep to begin with then he wouldn’t be able to steal them and he wouldn’t be so sad. But if that guy starts fucking those sheep then they’ll be punishments to pay. Those sheep will go straight to jail for luring that innocent man into naughty deeds.
Since this song alludes to phone sex I thought I should talk about phone sex a little rather than my fanciful world where sheep fuckers go unpenalized. I’m not going to do that thing where I bring up a topic I might feel ashamed about, like phone sex, and then say that I’m not going to say whether I’ve had phone sex or not, because that would obviously mean that I have had phone sex but am embarrassed to admit so, because if I didn’t have phone sex I would just say I haven’t without having the guilt of lying, and if I wasn’t embarrassed I would say I have had phone sex. So what does it mean when a person does what I just did and doesn’t bring up saying he’s not going to say whether or not he’s had phone sex? It probably means he’s had phone sex. But who really knows? (You and now the reader) damn.
I was thinking a second ago that I would be better at phone sex than real sex because I don’t need a big penis to be good at phone sex – I’m not saying people need big penises to be good at sex, I’m saying I need a big penis to be good at sex. But then I realized that I don’t have a pleasant voice. I know that everybody hates their voice, but that’s because they only get to hear it once every few years when watching a holiday video or some such and when they do hear it their voice sounds so bizarrely different than it normally does. But I do a podcast and have watched myself over and over ago in videos I’ve done with friends – I’m a self deprecating egomaniac, and I’m convinced a person has to be an egomaniac in order to hate themselves with the passion I hate myself, it’s weird but makes sense to me – and I used to record my voice on cassette tapes and pretend to do a radio show with my brothers and cousins, so I’ve heard my voice a lot, and it’s absolutely terrible. It’ like if Angelia Jolie’s voice had sex with Morgan Freeman’s voice and then the angel of a voice that was produced was bathed in Acid for 23 years.
I can’t imagine a girl, and for equality’s sake I’ll add in ‘or guy’, pleasuring herself, or his self, to me describing how I’d pleasure her…(or?)…(or?)…(or?) I’m not going to say or him. Listen, I’m not against any guys wanting to have at themselves thinking of me or listening to my award winning podcast – I assume it will win the award for best project at mine and my friend’s end of the year awards – but I’m not going to go as far as describing vividly how I’d love to sensuously wrap my juicy tongue around his big, passion filled, throbbing, girlfriend’s breasts. For some reason being the douche bag who the fictitious guy’s fictitious girlfriend cheats with makes me feel worst than if I had bypassed the joke and just said penis, which would have also been a joke, but a more macabre one…no offense.