#77 Magazines by Brand New

You’d think this song would be number one on my list considering it alludes to masturbation, “Laetitia, you’ve got my hand shaking.” Took me years and years to realize what he meant by that. But I guess that’s what I get for deciding to jerk off with my forearms as opposed to my hands. I couldn’t possibly imagine what it’d be like to jerk off with my forearms. Okay, not only did I imagine what it’d be like, but I also all but whipped out my penis while making the motions of jerking off with my forearms. Okay, maybe my pants came down, but I’ll defend to the death that my forearms made no contact.

The Laetitia being referred to in this song is none other than Laetitia Casta, who happens to have quite pleasant breasts. I was about to mention how I’ve masturbated to Laetitia Casta the same amount of times as I’ve masturbated to this song, and then I was going to joke saying 352 times and then say ‘kidding, zero’, but after googling Laetitia Casta to give my memory a quick refresher, Laetitia may gain the lead over the song in about one minute and forty-five seconds, give or take forty-six seconds.

I’m not a genius when it comes to getting chicks, but I’m pretty sure there’s nothing more that will get a girl to fall in love with you than to write a song about masturbating to her. I’ve spoken to a few of my hot chick friends – at this point you’re wondering if I really do have hot chicks friends and I do and they’re just friends and they’ll always just be friends because I’m not a creep and just pretending to be friends with them to eventually get them drunk enough to sleep with me, but mostly they’re hot chicks so there’s no amount of alcohol that could ever get them drunk enough to debase their selves and sleep with me – and I’ve guaranteed them that there most certainly have been guys who have thought about them while masturbating, and no I don’t mean me. I only masturbate to girls I think I really have a shot with, so basically I just masturbate to pictures of cheap hookers on Craigslist. And when I tell the chicks this they first don’t believe me, and then they find it disgusting, which is beyond me.

If someone told me a girl was masturbating to me, even the most unpleasant and ugly and just unappealing in every way possible (Aunt Betty?) in that vein but let’s say not related to me – I don’t really have an Aunt Betty – I would be thrilled that they were masturbating while thinking of me. In fact it’s kind of my dream to have a girl masturbate while thinking of me, almost more so than having sex with me. Think about it, I could have been the last guy at the bar and she could be extremely drunk and gone weeks without sex and needed a fuck and basically I was her last option. But with masturbation she doesn’t have to be thinking about me. There are billions of guys she could be thinking about or googling, and out of all of them she chose to think about me while googling herself.

“Girl, come to me. The only broken-hearted loser you’ll ever need, or I’ll be left alone forever with my magazines.”

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About Danniel

http://closertoclarity.com/
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