I’d like to think that trees really can think. And I think these are their five most common thoughts.
5: Why is this kid peeing on me?
4: Holy mother of God someone’s cutting me down!
3: I want to believe in Tree Jesus, but I just don’t think I have enough faith.
2: Why did I have to be a conifer tree living in Canada and not a deciduous tree outside of a New York strip club?
1: Holy crap, this kid is peeing on me again.
Apparently with uses of the words Jesus, God, Holy (twice), and faith I’ve decided trees have many thoughts on religion, not necessarily for or against it. I’d imagine they’d have to hate God. I mean if they could really think. For one they would hate God for making them a tree, and not one of the many living things that can actually have sex. The only thing worse would be a bed with a conscious. Constantly knowing that people are having sex on it, yet it will never get to know the join of having sex with a sexy female bed with two nice big pillows. Or in the case of my bed it’d be confused as to why I’m trying to procreate with my hand.