I can’t imagine what I would do if I ever pissed myself during class. I especially can’t imagine doing it now, if I were in a college class. Actually I know exactly what I would do. I’d pawn it off as humor. As soon as one person noticed the pee on my pants I’d just stand up in front of everyone and say, “look at me, I’m so drunk I pissed myself,” and I’d walk around off balance and then because I’d be super nervous and thinking poorly on the fly I’d say, “wait, look I’m retarded, durr, I peed myself,” and do that thing where I hit my limp hand against my chest. And I’d continue with a slur, “I’m so stupid I thought the toilet was in my pants, durr.” Then I’d snap back into normal me, “just kidding folks. I poured some water down my pants to make it look like I peed myself because I thought the class could use some entertainment. Anyway I’m going to go run to the bathroom and change. I’ll be right back.” Then I’d leave the class and never be seen again.
Thinking about peeing in the middle of class during school made me think about wetting the bed. I wasn’t a bedwetter, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t partake in the fun. I can’t recall the exact number of times I wet my bed as a small youth, but from the time I was officially expected to not wet the bed until now I think I wet the bed like three times. There’s always that immediate shame when waking up wet, unless you wake up during the act of peeing, in which case the immediate shame is prefaced by the greatest relief ever felt. I know this because the last time I wet my bed, which was years and years ago, or last night, oh how the days blend in (it was actually in the middle school, or possibly early high school years), I woke up during the act of peeing and it felt wonderful. Oh how many times I wished I could have peed in my bed but had to get up and walk those damn 13 steps to the toilet. And now here I was, peeing in my bed. Of course then when I realized I was peeing in my bed I immediately felt shamed, but then I remembered no one would ever find out about it, so who cares. It’s like watching animal porn. It’s nothing to be ashamed of unless someone finds out you watch animal porn. I don’t watch animal porn. But if I did I’d probably watch a mouse fuck a giraffe, if that’s even possible.
I’m always really scared of pissing my bed. I drink a lot of water and I wake up about six times a night having to go pee really badly but instead go back to sleep. Whenever I spend the night at someone else’s house I always make sure to use the bathroom 16 times before I go to sleep, and just to be safe I tied my penis in a knot ensuring that nothing can escape from it. This turned out to be a bad move the one time while sleeping at a hot female friend’s house I’ve always wanted to have sex with when she decided she wanted to do me but unfortunately for me in the Girl Scouts they apparently don’t teach you how to untie a fisherman’s knot.
Link to full episode of Chris being interviewed part one. The following is a snippet of that episode in which Chris discusses peeing himself in class in elementary school.