#91 Mattresses Underwater by Colour Revolt

Wow, I’m not a particular fan of this tea at all. Yes, yet again it looks as if I will start without talking about the song. This Ginger Twist tea which is lemongrass, tropical fruits and mint fueled with a touch of ginger, is not to my liking at all. No, no, no, no, if there weren’t millions of people from third world countries who would give their right leg for a sip of this tea I’d dump it out immediately. But let’s be honest, that’s not really the reason I won’t dump it out. Really I have a sore throat and I’m too lazy to make more tea so it looks like I’m stuck with this crap.

You might think based on the way they spell colour that they’re from the UK. You would be wrong good sir. Or good ma’am if need be. They are from right here in the USA. I can only assess that with their funky spelling of the word they are trying to stand out, when it actually all it did was make me assume they were from the UK, which made them stand out to me, so job well done.

Okay, I can’t stand this one more second. This tea has got to be dumped out. This is an embarrassment to tea everywhere. I wouldn’t serve this tea to my dead great grandma for Christ’s sake, and she’s dead, so she has no taste buds. She wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between this tea and dog crap, but frankly I’d much rather feed her dog crap. I’m sure many of you may think I’m a horrible family member for joking about feeding my dead great grandmother dog crap. Well for one I don’t even know my great grandmother, so it doesn’t really mean anything to me. And two, it’s not a joke.

I can totally envision a scenario where my kid ask me, “Daddy, why are you talking about Grandma that way?” and me replying with, “Because Grandma’s a whore, Junior. Now finish up your green beans.” Two things obviously wrong with that. I would never call my kid Junior. And also I would never feed him green beans. As for his grandma being a whore? Well at the moment I don’t know who my future wife’s mom will be. Could be a whore, could be the ringmaster of a circus. As of now I have no ideas. And as for my mother? I have no idea what her 50s and 60s will entail. I’m not saying she’ll whore it up, but I never count anything out. I’ve even started writing my book of musings entitled The Devil Walks Amongst Us for when George W. Bush becomes president again in 2016.

And now to talk about the song, and then slowly segue into boobies.

This is the type of song I like to tell people I like. I also like to tell people I like boobies (that segue wasn’t very slow at all). This song gets big points for the ending. I basically love any song where the last lyrics are yelled. “She says, ‘all you ever talk about is letting us down. If you ever see me dying, just put me in the ground.’” For the sake of clarity, if you ever see me dying, please don’t put me in the ground. Do everything possible to keep me living. If you have to go ahead and cryogenically freeze me until they discover a way to keep me alive, or it becomes mandatory that all women must breast feed in public with little to no covering. Whichever comes first. Actually I’m not one of those guys who enjoys watching a mother breast feed a baby. In fact go ahead and count me out of any sensual moments involving a baby.

“Ash to ash, dust to dust. We’re all gonna die so we have to trust in something. But it’s probably nothing. There’s gotta be something.”

Those are probably my favorite lines in the song. Hold on, I’ll be right back. I gotta go poo and brush my teeth, possibly at the same time (you don’t need to let the reader know that) I have nothing to hide…except possibly that hooker in my closet. Okay, finally back. Sorry for keeping you waiting, but I decided it’d be best to shave since I haven’t done it in way too long. I haven’t shaved in a few days, which is normal for me. I hate shaving. It’s like masturbating. I hate it, but I have to do it. I’d rather not explain any further.


About Danniel

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