#92: Things I’ll Never Say by Avril Lavigne (one thing I’ll never say is that I actually like this song)

The chances of me listening to this song more than ten times in the rest of my life are about the same as me seeing an old couple going down on each other in a park. This song made the list solely on its nostalgia value and for the fact that is was my second favorite song for a very long time. The time during which I was absolutely obsessed with Avril Lavigne. I even bought her first two albums. I knew I had a problem when me and my cousin were talking about if we made an album who we were thank in that little book where the lyrics are usually found, and I decided that even above my mother I would thank Avril Lavigne first because she had the biggest influence on me musically. It was truly delusional. It was a typical man lie and done with all thought that she would read that I admired her so much, and then seek me out and go down on me…to ask for my hand in marriage. I imagined that’s how they would do it in the future. Fifteen year old Quentin didn’t think straight due to the new changes that had occurred to his body, but unfortunately there wasn’t enough change that occurred to a specific part of his body.

Over the years as I discovered better music, particularly the first couple albums from Dashboard Confessional, Taking Back Sunday, and Brand New, I quickly learned that Ms. Lavigne wasn’t hot shit musically. Although, I still of course wanted to fuck her hot shit (does that mean anal?) I sure hope so. So we grew apart. She married that douche from Sum 41, and I stayed single, partly because deep down I wanted to stay single so when she realized I was the only one for her I would be available, but mostly because I was, and still am, terribly shy and awkward and women have never found me appealing in person. My theory is that I’m either spectacularly ugly, or I exude some kind of anti-pheromone.

Lavigne and I hold little future anymore. The two CDs I own of hers are now placed just under John Ralston’s Soury Vampire album. Which is an okay album, but features no songs on this list, so that should give you an idea of how low it is on my album stack. Okay, you probably have no idea. I don’t own a ton of albums – nowhere near as many as my brother who has drawers filled with Cds…and video games – but Avril Lavigne’s CDs fall in places number 60 and 61, just above Jay-Z’s The Life and Times of Shawn Carter volume 3, which actually does feature a song on this list – I’d have to double check but I’m pretty sure it’s the only rap song on the list, and no, it’s not the song Big Pimpin’ which is the most famous song on that album.

I don’t own Arvil’s third album, which I think is called The Best Damn Thing, the one with that ‘girlfriend’ song on it. “Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your girlfriend. No way, no way, I think you need a new one. Hey, hey, you, you, I could be your girlfriend.” Had this song came out when I was young I assuredly would have listened to it a million times while jerking off while fantasing of holding hands with Arvil Lavigne. But it came out when I was like 20 or something so I gave it a cursory listen and didn’t care for it much. I kind of liked one song off the album at the time but I never even listened to the full album until recently, and it was, well I can’t say disappointing because I already knew it wouldn’t be good, but it was how you say, not so good.

There are a few artists who I get my hopes up for and hope they emerge into great lyricists. One of the most recent disappointments was Paramore, specifically the lead singer, the adorable Hayley Williams. I liked Paramore’s first album All We Know Is Falling a decent amount, and liked their next album less, and liked their most recent album even less. Much like Avirl Lavigne it seems which each new album the lyrics have devolved into more popish less meaningful gobbledygook I can barely get a boner to.

So let this be the last time I pay any respects (other than masturbating) to Avril Lavigne. A girl who played such a big role during my developing years, and is without a doubt in the pantheon of all time celebrity girls I have liked. By the way, there is an eerily odd reverse correlation between celebrity girls I like most and the amount of times I’ve masturbated thinking of them. For example between three of the highest all time ranking members, Kaley Cuoco, Avril Lavigne and Stephanie Kralevich (local weather girl), I’ve masturbated a combined two times. Once each for Cuoco and Lavigne and not at all for Kralevich. The idea is that I like them so much that it was never a sexual fascinating but more that I liked them to the point where I figured I could actually be in a relationship with them. That’s crazy of course, and I know that now.

Now that I’ve spoken to real women in my life I know that celebrities aren’t hot shit (don’t use that phrase anymore) and that most celebrities aren’t that interesting. I would say that two of the only celebrities I could see myself dating are oddly Sienna Miller (if she didn’t keep going back to that fucker Jude Law and walk around with her shirt off) I think I could live with the second thing. And even more oddlyer Kristen Stewart. I don’t know what it is about her, but in interviews I’ve seen she seems weird, and that’s of course a turn on for me. Another girl I would throw on the list if I were more attracted to her is Megan Fox. I don’t know why, but I think me and her would get along really well, which is probably something I should be embarrassed about.

One last thing about the song. There’s a part in this song where she says, “I wanna go down,” and pauses for a moment before she continues with, “on one knee, marry you today.” When I first heard this song for the half second pause after saying “I wanna go down” I would have swore to the Lord that she was going to say after that “on you”. I laugh every time I hear that part of the song now. It wouldn’t have been entirely ill fitting. If she really loves the guy she’d go down on him. I maintain that at the sexual rate or growth our society is going in a matter of years going down on each other will be the new holding hands for couples. “Aw, look at that old couple going down on each other in the park. They’re so cute.”


About Danniel

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2 Responses to #92: Things I’ll Never Say by Avril Lavigne (one thing I’ll never say is that I actually like this song)

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