Bad Stuff, a more apt title would have been Good Stuff. Oh yeah, starting this blog off with D- joke material at best. This song has moments of good lyrics “Last ditch effort to communicate. If you hear my voice then it might not be too late. If you feel my heart then we’re tied by fate. Can you see our hearts leaving?”, but for me this song is completely driven by the instruments. The drums rule the beginning of this song, but for the last minute and fifty seconds they take to the background and the guitars take center stage for what is the best part of the song and always makes me lean back, close my eyes, imagine banging an out of her prime playboy playmate, having her knock on my door ten months later with a child in arm on the same day a doctor told me I got AIDS from said playmate, and then I jump off the Golden Gate bridge and awake in Heaven hearing a civil argument between Vincent Van Gogh and Robert Schimmel about what’s creepier, cutting off your ear and sending it to a girl or dating your daughter’s friend [by the way, Robert Schimmel will sorely be miss by many including me and you should listen to some of his stand up or listen to his appearances on Adam Carolla]. The cutting off of the ear is way creepier, or maybe not, but way less understandable. Hell, the only reason I want a daughter is so when her mother realizes she has wasted her life with me and can do much better I can rebound with one of my daughter’s younger friend’s [who will be 18 or over, or at least 17 and a half] who wants to be with an older man because one of her uncle’s molested her. This also goes for why I’m happy I have a younger sister. You can’t tell me once she’s in college one of her chubbier friends won’t want to throw her weight my direction. I’m kidding for Christ’s sake.
Well that’s about as much as I have to say about the song (you said almost nothing about the song) well I decided to eat a thing of watermelon (a thing of watermelon?) yes, a thing of watermelon. It’s like a quarter or a fifth of the entire watermelon and it’s the end part and I was too lazy to cut out a slice or two and it was already shaped like a bowl so I decided to just go at it. Then after making a mess and having trouble breathing I decided the shoving of my face directly in it strategy wasn’t working and I employed the use of a spoon, but because we have no clean real spoons in the household I’m using a measuring spoon. I’m eating this bad boy one and a half tablespoons at a time.
Oh my Christ, I just had the adventure of a life time. So I’m eating this watermelon I was just talking about when this big assed spider (like it has a big ass?) actually it’s ass was pretty firm, I just meant big spider, second biggest I’ve seen all summer, crawls up towards my watermelon. So I start looking at it thinking, ‘wow, that’s a big ass spider’, and then I remember I’m a pussy and deathly afraid of even tiny spiders, so now I go, ‘holy mother fucking shit, that’s a big ass spider’ and jump to my feet. At first I try to make a deal with it, “Look man, just take the watermelon and go. I don’t want no trouble.” But it just stares at me like I’m speaking German or something. “Don’t play dumb with me spider, I know you understand me,” I say, but still no response. Now it’s angered me and it’s on bitch. I’m not calling you guys a bitch, I mean the spider, it was a bitch. So I move the watermelon out of the way, grab a shoe and throw it Randy Johnson style at the poor, helpless, may the bastard rest in hell, spider. The shoe hits it, bounces off the bed, and there lies the spider motionless, appearingly dead. So I go to the bathroom quickly.
Now I am back from the bathroom with the fly swatter in hand. I’m going to use it like a spatula and lift up the spider over to the frying pan, heat up some butter, fry this sucker and serve it to my cats with a side of cockroach legs. So I go to pick up the spider but before I can attempt it the thing starts running, and I’m like, ‘oh fuck, it’s not dead’, because guess what, and this will come as a shock to you, it wasn’t dead. It played both possum and me for a fool. So I start swatting at it as I scream like a 14 year old girl at a Jonas Brother’s concert, or I guess like me at a Jonas Brother’s concert, and I hit it a few times and then it looks like it falls to the floor, but did it? So I’m looking for it and can’t find it and then my cat, Cloud, jumps up on the bed and there it is lying dead on the center of my bed [still not sure how it got there when it appeared to fall to the floor]. To make sure it was dead I pulled out my AK and went Tony Montana ‘say hello to my little friend’ on him. Then I took his ass to the toilet, pushed the flush lever, pulled out my penis (again, ‘say hello to my little friend) and pissed on the dumb spider as he went swirling down the toilet. Then the flushing stopped but I was still peeing so when I was done peeing I had to flush again and it was really a waste of water.
But alas, you fools thought this was Quentin typing this. But alas, it’s me the spider. But alas, I really got the best of that pussy Quentin in our battle and it was I who flushed him down the toilet while peeing on him. Two things: we spiders apparently like to say ‘but alas’ a lot, and also, how do I find spider porn on this computer contraption?