Exciting day in the history of Danniel Quentin Trujillo The Third – I’m not really the third but I was almost named George Daniel Trujillo and if that would have happened I would have been the third, let’s all quickly thank God that didn’t happen. I got my first ever paycheck today, which is odd, and also pathetic because I’m 22 and have never received a paycheck, but more odd because I don’t really have a job. I’ve been helping my mother with work for years now, and for the past year I’ve been putting my name on papers and registered with the company so we get extra work, although I don’t do the work most of the time but my mother does and it’s more money for her, but it wasn’t until now that I received a paycheck from the company with my name and all on it.
The absolute coolest thing about the paycheck is that it’s from Theatrical Entertainment Services, which I’ve always known as TES, which is located in Burbank California. I always forget, but my family and I technically work for the entertainment industry. I don’t want to explain it in full but basically movie companies like Warner Bros and Universal hire TES to hire people like my family to go to the theatres (or theaters) and collect data, like how many people go see a certain movie or how an audience reacts to trailers, and then we give that information to TES and they assumably give it to the hire ups at the movie companies and then they use the paper the information is printed on to cut their coke on and then green light another movie where Eddie Murphy plays eleven characters.
One of the cool things about this job is it’s not very known about and it’s hard to get this job. It’s like the Stonecutters on the Simpsons; In order to get in you have to either be related to someone already doing it or save the life of someone already doing it. I got the job because my grandpa, who’s also a member of the communist party for some reason, had the job. But then shortly after getting the job I got kicked out for not working but instead watching too many free movies and pigging out on popcorn. But as they ripped my clothes off and made me walk down the street naked dragging along the stone of shame they discovered that I had the birthmark of a movie reel on my ass and that I was the chosen one, and then they detached the stone of shame and attached the bigger stone of triumph which I had to drag down the street naked. Okay, obviously that’s the plot from Homer The Great (a great episode of The Simpsons) but the part about getting the job from my grandpa is kind of true. This job isn’t very advertised and the only way to get the job is to know someone doing the job. My Grandpa was neighbors and friends with someone who had the job and that’s how he got the job and then my mother got the job from my grandpa and then she got me and my brother into it, although I will not be making my living doing this for multiple reasons, but I will help my mother out whenever she needs me to.
I don’t know what I’m going to do with the money from the paycheck. I’d frame it but for me this is a considerable amount of money, and $12 can buy a lot of Jolly Ranchers. It’s actually more than 12 dollars, but keep it on the hush, I don’t want the Government getting their grubby hands on this and using it to help develop nuclear weapons, or even worse, put it towards somebody’s Welfare check. I’m kidding. As a bleeding heart liberal I’m all about helping out the less fortunate. But as a new member of the working society I don’t want my paycheck being taxed just so it can help out the less fortunate, they can have their homes repossessed and freeze to death during winter for all I care (you’ve never paid one cent of taxes) nor will I ever, unless the Government happens to be reading this. That’s sarcasm folks. I’ve only not paid taxes because I’ve never had a job. And again, I’m a liberal so I love taxes. When I hear Adam Carolla bitch about paying millions in taxes I use his anger and sorrow as an emotional lubricant as I masturbate thinking about the parts of that money that go into founding programs like Head Start and feeding poor inner city families (most people just use lotion and watch porn). Don’t get me wrong, I understand how people can get mad about a large portion of their paycheck being taken away, but I just don’t care. But then again, 30 years from now when because of having to pay taxes I’m not able to pay for leather interior in my Ferrari I’m sure I’ll be changing my tune.