If I Were A Cat I’d Sleep Easier And Masturbate Slightly Less

There’s a huge advantage in sleeping that cats hold over humans that I don’t think gets talked about enough when taking into consideration how much fucking better it’d be to be a cat rather than a human. Everyone of course rightly cites that cats don’t have to do stuff like work, pay bills, or sleep with that girl Lisa’s disgustingly unattractive, and frankly downright uninteresting in every aspect, friend just so your friend can have some quality alone time with Lisa (no, that’s not taken from a real life experience) and because cats don’t have to do those time consuming and un-joyous tasks they can spend their entire day doing what every human covets most, sleeping. But I don’t think people think about how amazingly talented cats are at sleeping. You may think sleeping is easy, but according to bullshitstats.com three out of four people on Earth, not counting North Korea, Vietnam and Australia, suck at sleeping.

Really, think about it, like right now, like stop reading this, use that mushy thing incased in your skull (because God knows if you’re reading this you certainly aren’t using it) and think about how difficult it is to sleep for humans. From the time you human beings are born to the age of three you spend on average 13.5 hours of your day sleeping, which is a deceiving number because to the untrained eye that seems like a lot of sleep, but think about what’s going on during the other 12.5 hours of the day (and when did we start using 26 hour days?). When babies are awake they do two things. They spend 10% of that time crying because they’re hungry, and they spend 90% of that time crying because they wish they were sleeping. It’s because they’re weak and can’t force themselves to sleep, unlike cats, who at a moment’s notice can be walking down the hallway and then all of the sudden think, ‘fuck this shit, I’m tired’ and then collapse to the floor and be asleep in seconds.

That’s a superpower in and of itself. We live in an age with hundreds and hundreds and hundreds (we get it) and hundreds of sleeping pills and the like. Hours and hours and hours (don’t say hours one more time or I guarantee you’ll lose every reader) are wasted as human’s struggle to force themselves to sleep in an attempt to get a reasonable amount of rest in before their next daily grind, and then what’s worse is that throughout the day they are mock with fatigue and tiredness, which some claim are synonyms of each other so there was no use for me to use them both, but I claim due to my deprived education I don’t know what synonyms are, or why any word needs to contain two y’s. And after a full day of fatigue and or tiredness the human slave to the corporate machine comes home and is faced with the burden yet again of not being able to sleep, so he is forced to drink beer after beer then beat on his wife a little then beat off to a basic cable showing of Show Girls just to get himself to sleep. This is indeed a sad world we live in, but one that could be avoided, not if we had all the free time in the world to sleep like cats, but rather if we had the ability to sleep easily.

When thinking about this I noticed that cats can sleep so easily because they’re flexible and readily comfortable in any of the millions of positions they can get in, which if you’re like me brings one thing to mind. Move over Nadia Comaneci there’s a new favorite in my acrobatics sex fantasy and her name is Eartha Kitt (you do realize she’s not really Catwomen, and she’s dead?). I realized neither. The point is what is Batman doing flirting around with all these harlots when he could be settling down with Catwomen and having cirque du Soleil sex every night with Catwoman.


About Danniel

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2 Responses to If I Were A Cat I’d Sleep Easier And Masturbate Slightly Less

  1. I might even rather be an animal that doesn’t sleep at all… it takes me forever to fall asleep.

    • Danniel says:

      I could go for that. I could almost get some production out of my life if I didn’t waste so much time sleeping. All I manage to do while sleeping is drool and have vaguely homosexual dreams.

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