A Much Less Offensive Title Than The Original One (post still just as offensive as original)

The biggest signing in the history of the NBA took place very recently, but I’m not here to talk about Travis Outlaw signing with my new second favorite team in the NBA, the New Jersey Nets. I think its time someone gives some coverage to the little guy and talks about LeBron James. Since June 13th 2010 when the Cleveland Cavaliers lost to the Boston Celtics in game six of the Eastern Conference semi-finals there has been one question concerning LeBron’s career; would that be his last game in a Cavaliers uniform? After signing with the Miami Heat most people would assume so, but not this reporter (you’re not a reporter) for the moment I am. I think LeBron will return to Cleveland, but only after winning ten championships with the Heat and he’ll only anger Cleveland fans more because by the time he comes back he’ll be old and brittle, struggling up and down the court with his colostomy bag in tow. But in his eyes he’ll think he’s honoring the city by retiring with the team he started with in the state he was raised. But I have the feeling fans won’t be that forgiving of what he’s done to them. But what did he do to them?

Some people are going as far as saying what LeBron did to the city of Cleveland and the state of Ohio was literally the same as if he took the time to give a thorough anal raping to each and every person in the state (what people are saying that?) There’s more than six billion people on this planet, I’m sure someone must have at least thought it. Nonetheless Cleveland fans feel they’ve been screwed. But did LeBron screw them. No, not literally. But what about metaphorically? Frankly I don’t know what that word means, but once I look it up lets break down the situation.

LeBron James was born, that much we know. He then goes on to be undoubtedly the biggest high school prospect ever. By random chance the year he enters the draft his home city team the Cleveland Cavaliers get the first pick in the draft and they of course select him. The word ‘select’ is key in this. He didn’t choose to go to Cleveland and be dubbed their savior. Granted he did take on that responsibility and say that it was his mission to bring the team a championship, but he would have said that anywhere he went, and so would have anybody else of that caliber. Sport stars have to put the responsibility of winning on their soldiers. If James would have said he was going to try really hard but he’d need other good players around him (which he didn’t have) to win a championship fans would have been skeptical of him. Fans put the expectations of winning a championship on James shoulder and he did the only thing he could do, he excepted those expectations, but wasn’t able to deliver on them during his time in Cleveland – I wonder how often except and expect are written that closely together?

Should fans have lowered their expectations? Probably. But can you blame them for thinking they were going to get at least one championship with LeBron? By the time he ends his career the chances are he’ll have been the best person to have ever played the game, at least talent wise. It probably wouldn’t be true, but if you put me in a room with 100 male Clay Aiken fans could you blame me for expecting at least one of them to be gay? Yes, yes you can.

People should never expect, they should hope. It’s like that saying, expect the worst but hope for some crap better than the worst (I don’t think that’s exactly how the saying goes) it’s close enough. In school I always expect bad grades but hope for good ones. Although part of the reason I expect bad grades is because I don’t do my homework. But I don’t think lack of doing homework accurately portrays my knowledge of the subject. So I don’t mind if the teacher gives me an F for not doing any homework, I just don’t want them giving me an F based on my knowledge of the subject because they don’t know what my knowledge of the subject is, and I know they don’t because I don’t turn in any homework that would showcase my knowledge of subject, and because I didn’t turn any homework in they expect that I must not know anything about it, but as we know expecting only leads to bad things, so my teachers should stop expecting that I know nothing of the subject and hope that I actually do and am just too lazy to do the homework and give me a C – I’m not greedy.

Can one blame LeBron James for being greedy for championships? Isn’t that what this whole thing is about? When the Celtics pulled this stunt and added Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen with Paul Pierce they won a championship that year and then two seasons later made it to game seven of the finals, and that was with aging stars. LeBron, Wade and The Tag Along are all in their prime, not too mention LeBron is the best player in the league with only Kobe and Durant being close and then arguably the next closest would be his new teammate Wade. Whether they’ll be able to win a championship is still a question, but there’s no doubt they’ll contend for them, and that’s what this is all about. Had LeBron stayed in Cleveland and never got the support he needed and never got a championship I am convinced he would not have been considered the best player ever even though he would have put up better numbers than anyone ever by far – that was actually my greatest hope and dream, because while I do think championships are important and should be considered when taken in a player greatness I don’t think they are the end all be all and if you have no championships you can’t be the best ever, I think it takes away from the aspect that these are teams sports and not individual ones, so why can’t the best player to have ever played never won a championship if he never played on a good team? The entire point of playing sports has been deemed winning. Now people are mad because LeBron is going to a place where he thinks he can win championships. He could have made a lot more money if he stayed put in Cleveland. His brand could have been worth more than a billion dollars had he gone to New York. But he’s taking less money and going to Miami so he can win, and people hate him for that. In an age where players run as fast as they can to the team that offers them the most money, and players who love the team and city they play for but aren’t putting up great numbers get traded or released and fans could careless, LeBron James takes less money so he can play with a better team and win and we get mad at him for that. It’s ironic that LeBron James works his whole life to get to the point where he’s the best player in the NBA and therefore gets to play wherever he wants but somehow he needs to stay loyal to a team that would no doubt get rid of him if he played like Shawn Respert – by the way, I just googled Shawn Respert to see what pick he was (selected 8th by Portland in the 95 draft then traded to Milwaukee for the 11th pick Gary Trent) and I feel bad now mentioning him as a bad player because it turns out he had stomach cancer has a player which undoubtedly affected his career negatively. For some reason people expect players to stay loyal to their team but at the same time there’s no expectation for the team to stay loyal to the player if he’s bad. In my wacky version of the NBA if you’re a bad player the team has a right to get rid of you. If you’re a good player you’ve earn the right to leave the team and play wherever you’re wanted. And if you’re an okay player then you and the team are stuck together and neither of you get to decide your fate, you just stay on the team until you either become bad or good. Also Thursdays are simultaneously topless cheerleaders night and family night.

So far it seems I’ve done two things. One) been pretty lenient on LeBron James and Two) made one too many immature, inappropriate, unfunny jokes. One of those things is about to stop.

LeBron James is a giant doodie head, homophobic, fuckface. Not literally of course. Well I’m not too certain about the homophobic part, I have my theories. And I’m not sure what a literal fuckface would be. But if my assumptions are correct it’d be hard to be both homophobic and a fuckface.

Here’s why I feel this way about LeBron. I don’t think he had any obligation to stay with the Cavaliers. I kind of wish he had for various reasons, but I don’t think he needs to stay loyal to them. But I’m not too happy about the way he decided to make his announcement. An hour long special on ESPN is more than a little too much. Kevin Durant announced his contract extension via twitter and I’m sure some of you might think that the classy thing to do. I disagree. The classy thing to do would have been for him to have wrote personalized letters to every single ticket holder. Announcing it on twitter isn’t the classy thing to do, it’s just the right thing to do. Let’s not over praise Durant for doing what should be common place just because LeBron is doing something gaudy, and not only gaudy, but how humiliating to the Cleveland fans.

When I heard about LeBron having a one hour special to make ‘the decision’ I was shocked to find out that many sports talking about people – I can’t think of the word right now – thought that there was no way he was making such a big deal out of this just to announce he was staying with the Cavaliers. I on the other hand was naïve. I figured there was no way in God damn hell that LeBron would make an hour long drawn out event, American Idol elimination style, to announce to the millions of viewers that he was leaving his home team of Cleveland. It would be a public execution of their hopes and dreams, and not to mention most respect people once had for LeBron. When my girlfriend inevitably breaks up with me, after having first cheated on me multiple times of course, I would hope she tells me privately and doesn’t do it at a mass gathering (you don’t have to worry about that considering you have no girlfriend) yeah, but when I inevitably get one she’ll inevitably break up with me (fair enough). With something this big, with how meaningful this was to Cleveland, I think LeBron should have somehow let the city know about it before the rest of the world. I figure that may seem a bit ridiculous but this is a ridiculous situation. And to paraphrase another man’s quote and replace a certain word with ridiculous, ridiculous behavior in a ridiculous situation is normal behavior. I wish I could remember the quote and who said it so I could give him proper credit – if you know what quote I’m talking about please let me know, preferably before I post this online and look like a fool for not knowing. It was Viktor Frankle and the quote is, ‘An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.’

However I did cut LeBron a little slack (not enough to not call him a giant doodie head, homophobic fuckface apparently) for donating the money to the Boys and Girls Club. I’m not entirely sure how much, but at the end of the thingie he did say that all of the proceeds would go to them, so I can only assume that’s whatever ESPN paid him for the rights to air it. I have a way for LeBron to earn back some respect, at least with me. He tells ESPN he has another huge announcement concerning free agency to make during an hour long special, he has them pay him again, donates all the money to charity, and then after an hour of the special he announces that during his tenure in Miami he will only make waste in a pink bidet. Why not have all the crazy hour long specials he wants as long as the money is going to a good cause. I wouldn’t give a damn. In fact I’d encourage it. But more importantly why not only go to the bathroom in a pink bidet. It’d become the most ridiculous sports superstition of all time. A Florida Marlin would have to blow a goat every seventh inning stretch to out do that.

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About Danniel

http://closertoclarity.com/
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3 Responses to A Much Less Offensive Title Than The Original One (post still just as offensive as original)

  1. lianamerlo says:

    Usually I read every single word of your posts, but I have to admit I breezed through this one. Me and basketball don’t see eye to eye. Probably because I’m only 5’5″.

    • Danniel says:

      I love sports but I barely ever write about them for whatever reason. It’s hard to write about sports because all I want to do is make jokes about things and whenever you try to make a serious point it’s so utterly boring. It’s funner to talk about sports because I think there’s more leeway in making jokes before you have to get back to making the boring point about why the 86 Boston Celtics were the best basketball team ever.

      I’m only about 5’6″, which is crap because not only did it disadvantage me in sports, but also I always dreamed of being really tall so when I talked to girls I could look down at them and it’d appear like I was still making eye contact with them, but really I’d be staring at their cleavage. Well that and every girl admittedly only wants to date guys taller than them, so I’m pretty much relegated to Asians, Mexicans and hobbits. Not that that’s a bad thing. In fact being short may have had a huge impact as to why I was obsessed with Asian women in middle school, and oddly some of my best friends are Asian, and even more oddly, two of them are taller than me. Assuredly 11 year old Quentin figured he’d befriend some Asians and then he’d look taller by comparison. Young, stupid, apparently stereotype heeding, Quentin.

  2. Pingback: My Crappy NBA Predictions | Poor Sports…a play on words perhaps…

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