How’s Spiderman Supposed To Fuck Mary Jane In His Shitty Apartment?

The soccer World Cup has started, or is starting, or is perhaps over by now, I don’t really know, I don’ t pay much attention to soccer, but I decided since I never know what to write about I’d use the World Cup as a prompt. I remember four years ago during the last World Cup I applied for my first job ever. I entered a building with 16 or so other people around my age and watched a demonstration of knifes cutting various household items for an hour and then anyone who was over 18 was given a job selling knifes door to door. I imagine on more than one occasion there’s a kid in court saying, “Well actually your Honor, she invited me and my knifes into her home, so she was basically asking to be robbed.” Also I think that would be a good job for a super hero to have on the side, because fighting crime doesn’t pay well. So like how Spiderman works at the Daily Bugle – I imagine if people actually read this, and some of them were nerds, they would be at an uproar saying, ‘Spiderman doesn’t work at the Daily Bugle, Peter Parker does’, to which I would respond, ‘Wrong! Peter Parker is a freelance photographer whose work often gets published by the Daily Bugle, but he doesn’t actually get an on staff salary,’ then the nerds would google that, and whether its true or not is of no concern to me – a knife throwing superhero, I don’t know, possibly named Sharp Wit (because he writes little witty saying on the blades of his knifes), could have the side job of selling knifes door to door, and that could pay for his little crappy apartment.

Okay, quick addendum. First of all what’s an addendum? Because I’m almost certain I’m using the word wrong. And secondly I don’t like that Spiderman lives in a shitty apartment. He no doubt fights many evil people who have lots of money. You’re telling me he can’t stash some of that to the side for himself? Where’s all the money going anyway? It’s not going to pay for new materials for inner city schools. It’s surely going into the pockets of all the crooked cops in the Marvel universe. Spiderman deserves at least some of that money because he’s doing the job of the cops, and the cops are getting paid, so Spiderman should get paid as well. If I was Spiderman I would hold off from fighting crime until there was a Spiderman tax enacted. $1 every month charged to each citizen of the city so Spiderman can focus all his time and energy (except weekends, vacation time and of course holidays including the Jewish ones just for the heck of it) fighting crimes and protecting the city. Think about it, the money would increase the productivity of Spiderman by enabling him to buy resources to help him fight crime. Batman has a bat cave, why shouldn’t Spiderman have a spider’s web where he keeps all his gadgets and takes his gay lovers – because I assume Batman has his bat cave for mostly that purpose. It just seems very naïve, and frankly stupid, of Spiderman to think he can fight crime just as well while living his meager lifestyle of a crappy apartment and breadcrumbs for dinner, I assume. The only problem is that after seeing Spiderman 3 where Peter Parker took on an emoish look but also oddly a garishly cocky attitude, I would be a little more than concerned that the money garnished from the taxpayers would go to his head and he’d develop a coke addiction and one night he’d accidentally choke out a hooker while trying a new sex act with his web slinging capabilities and then he’d have to flee to Mexico where he’d take on chupacabra like status and forever take on the myth of El Hombre de Arana.

On second thought, this knife throwing superhero I concocted, Sharp Wit is what I believe the kids are calling him, would have a more interesting story if his side job was a professional knife thrower, and even better, a comedian professional knife thrower, and  that’s how he both devolved his already God given ability to throw knifes, and his wit. And one night while performing in Vegas the auditorium is taken over by a terrorist, yes, not terrorists, but one single terrorist, a bad boy terrorist who plays by his own rules and doesn’t do partners because they’ll only get in his way. So the terrorist will kill everyone in the building unless someone can simultaneously make him laugh and pin the tail on the donkey from 100 feet away with a knife. Long story short, Sharp Wit doesn’t make the terrorist laugh because the terrorist doesn’t like wit and is more into Dane Cook or Larry the Cable Guy and while attempting to pin the tail on the donkey with a knife he hits an old lady in the eye. So the terrorist kills everyone but lets Sharp Wit live with his shame and after that he vows to rid the world of evil, but instead he spends the next two weeks watching all of Lost on hulu and then starts a blog dedicated to the show which mostly becomes people leaving comments about how much they hated the finale. That’s good shit right that. Copy Right, fools! (Saying copy right doesn’t make it Copy Righted.) Oh, well fuck that then. Feel free to steal that gold right there. I’m looking at you Stan Lee.

So I got the job selling knifes door to door, but the next day I called the sweet semi-attractive lady who gave me the job and informed her that I was quitting, partially because I really didn’t want the job, but more partially because I wanted to watch a World Cup soccer game with my friends.

This is exactly what I love, and also, along with countless other things, what will keep me from ever being anywhere near a decent writer, and that is that I fully started writing this with the intent of the World Cup and soccer being the theme, but somehow I got to creating a knife throwing comedian superhero who writes a blog about Lost. Some people say my lack of focus and seriousness will keep me from ever succeeding, but I think it’s what will keep me alive…until I died from the massive bird flu pandemic in 2019 of course.

…..

Podcast of me and Chris talking about things such as Megan Fox, Justin Bieber and in keeping with the theme the Arizona immigration situation

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About Danniel

http://closertoclarity.com/
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2 Responses to How’s Spiderman Supposed To Fuck Mary Jane In His Shitty Apartment?

  1. lianamerlo says:

    I think you’re the modern-day Holden Caulfield. It’s a compliment.
    I love reading your writing. I have the same way of thinking. I like how you start with something and it cycles back to it in the end somehow. It’s actually quite clever. And it’s a great trace of your thought process. You definitely have talent, whether or not you believe it, you do. Don’t listen to anyone else.

    • Danniel says:

      Wow, that was quite the compliment. And if my memory serves me correctly Holden Caulfield was the character in Catcher In The Rye which unfortunately my mind doesn’t remember too much of, but I do remember that after reading it a couple years ago when I tried reading 100 books in a year, but only managed 70ish, it was one of the better books of the bunch, so whether you really meant it as a compliment, or you just want me to think it was a compliment as some diabolical scheme to boost my self esteem to the point where I’m confident enough to send a manuscript to a publisher only to have them laugh me into an agoraphobic state so I’ll spend the rest of my life trapped inside my room which will soon be filled with bottles of urine a la Howard Hughes but I will have garnered none of the success he did and I won’t have a biopic made about my life starring Leonardo DiCaprio, but rather I will be played by an aged and drunken McLoven from Superbad (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), but the point is either way whether honest compliment or not I’m taking it as one because if my memory serves me correctly (I realize I’ve already said that phrase once while writing this) you’re a fan of J.D. Salinger so I don’t think you’d call me the modern day version of his most known character without meaning it.

      Thanks for the huge compliment.

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